On Wednesday I'm going to see Wendy and we're going to have "The Talk". The only thing I can see the need for The Talk is closure. We both know what's going to happen (we're breaking up) and that no matter what she or I say, it's not going to change the inevitable. She'll have a lot of things to get off her chest as will I.
I figured nows a good time for me to reflect on what I think is bothering me about the relationship and why we ended up as we did.
Before Wendy, I never dated anyone. The closest I got to was this Psycho Girl at University. I met Psycho Girl just after she broke up with her boyfriend of three years. I had never been liked by anyone (who admitted it) before her, and I ended up falling for her quickly not realizing I was totally being used as a rebound guy. We dated for 2 weeks and had tons of drama that lasted almost a full year. Even after the fact, I kept obsessing about her for months and months. I don't know why acted so stupid but I did.
After the Psycho Girl debacle, I met a lot of girls but never really dated.
Then last February I met Wendy through an online dating service.
We kept hanging out and getting to know each other and then by the fourth date we added kissing to the mix.
I was really shy at the beginning. She helped me though because she seemed really into me. Once i drove her home and i was so nervous she told me to come to her for a kiss. It was so awesome to have someone want me bad.
After a couple of months, I got more comfortable with her but her gung ho attitude diminished.
We got into a habit of talking on the phone before bed every night. That was a good thing. However I noticed by the later months I'd be so excited to spend the day with her (sometimes I''d have to wait several days until I'd see her for whatever reason) and then when we'd finally see each other, I'd feel disappointed. This was mostly due to the fact that we would hardly talk or I felt like I did all the talking. Now that I think about it, most of the time that she sounded excited to talk to me was when she would talk to me about her friends (one got engaged and one pregnant).
I'm not only blaming Wendy for the above. I'm sure my shyness at the beginning probably turned her off after a while and when I got used to being with it, it was too late and she had already started to lose interest. If that is true, then she should have mentioned something way earlier. But then again, me figuring that out should have a been a sign for me to say something.
Besides the lack of communication in person, the other big thing that was killing the relationship was the lack of intimacy. Before Wendy, I was a virgin.
I'm still a virgin.
Don't worry, we tried a few times, but each time something would happen and we just would be able to go all the way. The first couple of times made sense but after that it started to just sound like a bunch of excuses.
Again, at first I blame myself for I was really shy, but once I started to break my shell I felt like every time we would get together I wanted to have sex and no matter what I tried, I could never get her to want to.
In the later months, we spent more time just watching movies and her falling asleep than even making out.
Truly something is wrong and I have some idea as to why but it will be very interesting to her her thoughts on the matter.
Lets see how off I am from things when I talk to her on Wednesday.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Day Five - Contact
After 5 days of not caring, caring, worrying and lying, I finally spoke with Wendy.
"Spoke" may be stretching it. She contacted me by MSN late at night (while i was still setting up this blog, actually).
It was weird.
Normally I'm excited to hear from her. This time I was a bit afraid and confused.
She started with normal chit-chat, asking me how I'm doing and letting me know what she's been up to in Another City.
Eventually "us" came into the picture. She told me how much she missed me (as I did her), told me not to be mad at her (which I'm not, should I? I don't see the point), and mentioned that she is staying in Another City until after New Years.
For a split second I was disappointed. Part of me wanted her to say that she was coming back to My City to see me and that we could be a couple again, go out together with friends, have a good time, and then spend the night together. But reality kicked in and I knew that that's not possible. That there is no point to fixing this part now if we're going to be on two different pages (i.e. her wanting something serious and me not really taking it seriously or even ready to date other people).
I decided days earlier that I did not want to spend NYE with her if we were not going to be a couple anymore. It would be just too weird. A friend of mine compared it to breaking up with her ex-boyfriend and then being invited to a wedding as his guest. I was quite happy to hear about her decision to stay with her friends. I'd rather see her have fun than sit home all night in My City and mope (which is why I'm going out with two of my really good friends that night instead of staying home).
The toughest part about our MSN chat was that we both wanted to talk about "us" but both agreed to wait until we saw each other in person. I feel talking about it on the computer or on the phone is a cop out. This is my first real relationship and I need to learn from it. One way to do that is to suck things up and deal with them, and there is no harder way than in person.
As much as it sucks, I know I'll gain a lot from my experience and now how to handle things in the future.
The scariest thing I found out was when she told me she missed talking to me before bed (we would talk every night before bed). At first, after not doing that for a few days, I almost forgot completely that we even did that to begin with.
Then she surprised again and said that that was her favorite part of the day. The part that scared me was that I was about to say the same thing.
Again, I don't know how much truth there is to her words, or even mine. Is it sincere or just feeling sorry for the other?
At least I don't have to worry anymore about when we will have "the talk".
She's back on Tuesday.
"Spoke" may be stretching it. She contacted me by MSN late at night (while i was still setting up this blog, actually).
It was weird.
Normally I'm excited to hear from her. This time I was a bit afraid and confused.
She started with normal chit-chat, asking me how I'm doing and letting me know what she's been up to in Another City.
Eventually "us" came into the picture. She told me how much she missed me (as I did her), told me not to be mad at her (which I'm not, should I? I don't see the point), and mentioned that she is staying in Another City until after New Years.
For a split second I was disappointed. Part of me wanted her to say that she was coming back to My City to see me and that we could be a couple again, go out together with friends, have a good time, and then spend the night together. But reality kicked in and I knew that that's not possible. That there is no point to fixing this part now if we're going to be on two different pages (i.e. her wanting something serious and me not really taking it seriously or even ready to date other people).
I decided days earlier that I did not want to spend NYE with her if we were not going to be a couple anymore. It would be just too weird. A friend of mine compared it to breaking up with her ex-boyfriend and then being invited to a wedding as his guest. I was quite happy to hear about her decision to stay with her friends. I'd rather see her have fun than sit home all night in My City and mope (which is why I'm going out with two of my really good friends that night instead of staying home).
The toughest part about our MSN chat was that we both wanted to talk about "us" but both agreed to wait until we saw each other in person. I feel talking about it on the computer or on the phone is a cop out. This is my first real relationship and I need to learn from it. One way to do that is to suck things up and deal with them, and there is no harder way than in person.
As much as it sucks, I know I'll gain a lot from my experience and now how to handle things in the future.
The scariest thing I found out was when she told me she missed talking to me before bed (we would talk every night before bed). At first, after not doing that for a few days, I almost forgot completely that we even did that to begin with.
Then she surprised again and said that that was her favorite part of the day. The part that scared me was that I was about to say the same thing.
Again, I don't know how much truth there is to her words, or even mine. Is it sincere or just feeling sorry for the other?
At least I don't have to worry anymore about when we will have "the talk".
She's back on Tuesday.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Day Four
Today I was back at work.
I had slept pretty badly the night before.
I had vague dreams about Wendy. I don't know why. I'm afraid i"m starting to sound obsessed, but really I know I'm not. I guess our subconscious works in mysterious ways.
During dinner, I had never lied as much to my Mother as I have ever lied my whole life. She just kept wanting to know if I heard from Wendy and what my New Years Plans were. She kept asking in front of my Father and Ira. I basically fabricated that I did speak with her and added a few tidbits of what she's been up to from the e-mail she sent me on Sunday(I forgot to mention that before telling he thoughts about us, she wrote a whole paragraph about how much fun she's having in Another City).
My Mother told me a while back that it's almost a given for a boyfriend and girlfriend to spend New Years Eve together and if they do not then something is wrong (I'm not sure where she got this from... I think I"m out growing making a big deal out of New Years Eve). That is why I kept lying, because if I told Mother I wasn't sure if we were spending NYE together, than she's know the truth and I wasn't ready for a lecture. You don't know Mother. Rather than be supportive and say something like "I"m so sorry to hear you guys are finished" she would say something more like "Good! You could do better anyways!"
I wonder how long until Mother figures out something isn't right...
I had slept pretty badly the night before.
I had vague dreams about Wendy. I don't know why. I'm afraid i"m starting to sound obsessed, but really I know I'm not. I guess our subconscious works in mysterious ways.
During dinner, I had never lied as much to my Mother as I have ever lied my whole life. She just kept wanting to know if I heard from Wendy and what my New Years Plans were. She kept asking in front of my Father and Ira. I basically fabricated that I did speak with her and added a few tidbits of what she's been up to from the e-mail she sent me on Sunday(I forgot to mention that before telling he thoughts about us, she wrote a whole paragraph about how much fun she's having in Another City).
My Mother told me a while back that it's almost a given for a boyfriend and girlfriend to spend New Years Eve together and if they do not then something is wrong (I'm not sure where she got this from... I think I"m out growing making a big deal out of New Years Eve). That is why I kept lying, because if I told Mother I wasn't sure if we were spending NYE together, than she's know the truth and I wasn't ready for a lecture. You don't know Mother. Rather than be supportive and say something like "I"m so sorry to hear you guys are finished" she would say something more like "Good! You could do better anyways!"
I wonder how long until Mother figures out something isn't right...
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Day Three
Today was Boxing Day and I got through it pretty well. I had a lot of things keeping my mind off of Wendy. I guess tons of shoppers and crazy sales can have that effect. Maybe shopping can be a cure for depression?
I was in a good mood all night, reveling in the things i bought super cheap at the mall earlier that day.
Then before bed, I got the unexpected.
I had been watching TV and left my phone by my bed. Before going to sleep I checked it and had missed a text message.
It was from Wendy.
It said "Just to let you know I miss you".
Upon reading that, a whole bunch of feelings just flooded through me:
I felt special - By saying that she obviously still cares about me and it felt good to finally hear form her even though she said she wanted no contact for the entire week.
I felt angry - How much could she really mean those words? She likes me but but wants something more serious. She wants something serious but not sure if she wants it with me. From her e-mail I can guess that she wants to end it. If thats the case than why even care? I figure that it's a defense mechanism that we have. We want to end things but also feel bad for our actions. We want things for ourselves but would rather have things finish on a good note than bad. I know for a fact that I would feel terrible knowing that someone is angry at me for my actions, so I try to make things right. But in the end it's for you and not the other person.
Is that what Wendy is doing, or are her words really sincere?
I felt confused - Sunday I could 100% say that we needed to break up. Now I was thinking "is this really what I want? Why do things have to get all complicated?
In the end I wrote back saying that I was sorry I missed the text (from two hours earlier) and that I missed her too.
Maybe now she'll be confused as well.
I was in a good mood all night, reveling in the things i bought super cheap at the mall earlier that day.
Then before bed, I got the unexpected.
I had been watching TV and left my phone by my bed. Before going to sleep I checked it and had missed a text message.
It was from Wendy.
It said "Just to let you know I miss you".
Upon reading that, a whole bunch of feelings just flooded through me:
I felt special - By saying that she obviously still cares about me and it felt good to finally hear form her even though she said she wanted no contact for the entire week.
I felt angry - How much could she really mean those words? She likes me but but wants something more serious. She wants something serious but not sure if she wants it with me. From her e-mail I can guess that she wants to end it. If thats the case than why even care? I figure that it's a defense mechanism that we have. We want to end things but also feel bad for our actions. We want things for ourselves but would rather have things finish on a good note than bad. I know for a fact that I would feel terrible knowing that someone is angry at me for my actions, so I try to make things right. But in the end it's for you and not the other person.
Is that what Wendy is doing, or are her words really sincere?
I felt confused - Sunday I could 100% say that we needed to break up. Now I was thinking "is this really what I want? Why do things have to get all complicated?
In the end I wrote back saying that I was sorry I missed the text (from two hours earlier) and that I missed her too.
Maybe now she'll be confused as well.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Day Two
Today I went up North with my two older brothers, Ira and Jason.
The drive up was killer. I kept getting asked questions about my New Years Eve plans and what I'd be doing with Wendy.
Having not yet actually talked to Wendy about our situation, I decided I did not want to share it with others. Especially my brothers.
In the end, I told Ira, the younger of the two. I've always felt closer to him and especially now that his wife and him divorced. His situation over the summer was a lot worse than what I'm going through and I figured he'd be a good person to talk to.
Jason, on the other hand is really immature for his age (in his 40's) and he would definitely not make me feel better or make things easier on me.
I also am starting to feel a bit of denial. I know I initially figured the best thing to do would be to breakup, but something else is tugging in my mind. I keep thinking a lot about our time together.
But it hit me hard. I keep thinking of all the good stuff.
I guess it's human nature to always remember things that make you happy and forget about the other stuff. Now I enjoy my happy memories but also try to remember why things are weird and are where they are now.
I just hope I can keep this up and stay strong and focused.
The drive up was killer. I kept getting asked questions about my New Years Eve plans and what I'd be doing with Wendy.
Having not yet actually talked to Wendy about our situation, I decided I did not want to share it with others. Especially my brothers.
In the end, I told Ira, the younger of the two. I've always felt closer to him and especially now that his wife and him divorced. His situation over the summer was a lot worse than what I'm going through and I figured he'd be a good person to talk to.
Jason, on the other hand is really immature for his age (in his 40's) and he would definitely not make me feel better or make things easier on me.
I also am starting to feel a bit of denial. I know I initially figured the best thing to do would be to breakup, but something else is tugging in my mind. I keep thinking a lot about our time together.
But it hit me hard. I keep thinking of all the good stuff.
I guess it's human nature to always remember things that make you happy and forget about the other stuff. Now I enjoy my happy memories but also try to remember why things are weird and are where they are now.
I just hope I can keep this up and stay strong and focused.
Day One
I managed the day pretty well. I had to go into work (lets just say I work in the advertising field) for half the day but had so much to do I pulled in a couple of hours overtime.
The extra work kept my mind off of Wendy for the most part, but thoughts of her started creep in by the end of the day.
Still, the thought of Christmas outweighed a bit and I don't want to let something like this ruin my holiday time.
Still no idea when she gets back...
The extra work kept my mind off of Wendy for the most part, but thoughts of her started creep in by the end of the day.
Still, the thought of Christmas outweighed a bit and I don't want to let something like this ruin my holiday time.
Still no idea when she gets back...
Monday, December 24, 2007
The Dreaded E-mail
I've been dating this girl - let's call her Wendy - for almost a year now.She is my first real girlfriend (Note: I'm in my mid twenties, hence the name of the blog).
Things were pretty good.
We enjoyed each other's company, talked a lot on the phone, hung out a lot and never fought. However, I started to feel some doubt about our relationship. I really like her but have feeling a lack of connection for a while now. I probably should have mentioned something sooner but being shy and her being my first girlfriend, I wasn't really sure what to do, how to do it and when to do it.
Then, earlier this morning, I received an e-mail from her. I knew something couldn't be right. She never sends me e-mails; She'd just call me instead.
The e-mail was pretty long. Wendy was basically telling me that she's not sure where we're going as a couple. She feels she's getting to the point where in her life she's ready for something more serious. That alone is something for me to really think about, but the real clincher is she's not sure if she wants to get serious with me.
It's funny but instead of getting angry or feeling sad, my initial reaction was just "Ok, it's official, we need to break up." I was having doubts for a few months but was enjoying my time with her and not looking for anything serious enough, that it kept me going. Now that she's saying she has doubts too and that I may be holding her back, than I'm just being selfish if we stay together.
Even if we fix that lack of connection and really start getting close and serious, then it's a "forever or never" thing. I can't do that.
How can I?
I've never had a girlfriend before her. I have no one to compare her to. It's a scary thing to commit with the first person you meet. I fell it truly is different dating for the first time when your 25 than when you're 15. At 15 you have no worries because you have so many years to meet others and everyone is in the same boat. But at 25, a lot of people have dated others and know what they're looking for by now.
She's had many boyfriends, I have only had her.
So you're saying "Ok Elwood, I get it, you're rambling on about how it's over. So you guys 'had the talk' and it's over right?"
Wrong...
She's currently in another city visiting friends. We've agreed to talk about it when she gets back by New Years Eve (well she never even told me a specific day she's back), so I have to wait at least seven days!
Let's see how I handle that...
Things were pretty good.
We enjoyed each other's company, talked a lot on the phone, hung out a lot and never fought. However, I started to feel some doubt about our relationship. I really like her but have feeling a lack of connection for a while now. I probably should have mentioned something sooner but being shy and her being my first girlfriend, I wasn't really sure what to do, how to do it and when to do it.
Then, earlier this morning, I received an e-mail from her. I knew something couldn't be right. She never sends me e-mails; She'd just call me instead.
The e-mail was pretty long. Wendy was basically telling me that she's not sure where we're going as a couple. She feels she's getting to the point where in her life she's ready for something more serious. That alone is something for me to really think about, but the real clincher is she's not sure if she wants to get serious with me.
It's funny but instead of getting angry or feeling sad, my initial reaction was just "Ok, it's official, we need to break up." I was having doubts for a few months but was enjoying my time with her and not looking for anything serious enough, that it kept me going. Now that she's saying she has doubts too and that I may be holding her back, than I'm just being selfish if we stay together.
Even if we fix that lack of connection and really start getting close and serious, then it's a "forever or never" thing. I can't do that.
How can I?
I've never had a girlfriend before her. I have no one to compare her to. It's a scary thing to commit with the first person you meet. I fell it truly is different dating for the first time when your 25 than when you're 15. At 15 you have no worries because you have so many years to meet others and everyone is in the same boat. But at 25, a lot of people have dated others and know what they're looking for by now.
She's had many boyfriends, I have only had her.
So you're saying "Ok Elwood, I get it, you're rambling on about how it's over. So you guys 'had the talk' and it's over right?"
Wrong...
She's currently in another city visiting friends. We've agreed to talk about it when she gets back by New Years Eve (well she never even told me a specific day she's back), so I have to wait at least seven days!
Let's see how I handle that...
Oh No! Not another dating blog!
In the past year I got addicted to reading peoples' blogs, especially the ones about their dating/love life. It's fun and interesting to see how people interact and feel about certain things.
After many months of pondering, I finally decided to write my own anonymous blog (No, Elwood is not my real name). What made my decision you may ask? Well, I will admit that for starters, things with my girlfriend are "not going so well". I don't believe we will be a couple much longer (more on that later). I know that while dating her, I could never write about things involving her. I say "involving her" and not "about her" because, the purpose of this blog isn't for me to bash my ex-girlfriends. I hear writing is a good outlet to get things off your chest and yes this will help me feel better.
However, I've always been intrigued to write about my experiences with the opposite sex for a long time now. Although, I'm a really fun and outgoing guy, I could never quite "get it right" with women. This may explain why I started dating at such a late age.
Also, this blog will help me learn things too, by reading what I write and by others (more experienced people perhaps?) who leave their two cents - Yes! Comments are encouraged! (once I figure a way to get people to read this blog...).
Let the secret life of an anonymous blogger begin...
After many months of pondering, I finally decided to write my own anonymous blog (No, Elwood is not my real name). What made my decision you may ask? Well, I will admit that for starters, things with my girlfriend are "not going so well". I don't believe we will be a couple much longer (more on that later). I know that while dating her, I could never write about things involving her. I say "involving her" and not "about her" because, the purpose of this blog isn't for me to bash my ex-girlfriends. I hear writing is a good outlet to get things off your chest and yes this will help me feel better.
However, I've always been intrigued to write about my experiences with the opposite sex for a long time now. Although, I'm a really fun and outgoing guy, I could never quite "get it right" with women. This may explain why I started dating at such a late age.
Also, this blog will help me learn things too, by reading what I write and by others (more experienced people perhaps?) who leave their two cents - Yes! Comments are encouraged! (once I figure a way to get people to read this blog...).
Let the secret life of an anonymous blogger begin...
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