Day Five - Contact

After 5 days of not caring, caring, worrying and lying, I finally spoke with Wendy.

"Spoke" may be stretching it. She contacted me by MSN late at night (while i was still setting up this blog, actually).

It was weird.

Normally I'm excited to hear from her. This time I was a bit afraid and confused.
She started with normal chit-chat, asking me how I'm doing and letting me know what she's been up to in Another City.

Eventually "us" came into the picture. She told me how much she missed me (as I did her), told me not to be mad at her (which I'm not, should I? I don't see the point), and mentioned that she is staying in Another City until after New Years.

For a split second I was disappointed. Part of me wanted her to say that she was coming back to My City to see me and that we could be a couple again, go out together with friends, have a good time, and then spend the night together. But reality kicked in and I knew that that's not possible. That there is no point to fixing this part now if we're going to be on two different pages (i.e. her wanting something serious and me not really taking it seriously or even ready to date other people).

I decided days earlier that I did not want to spend NYE with her if we were not going to be a couple anymore. It would be just too weird. A friend of mine compared it to breaking up with her ex-boyfriend and then being invited to a wedding as his guest. I was quite happy to hear about her decision to stay with her friends. I'd rather see her have fun than sit home all night in My City and mope (which is why I'm going out with two of my really good friends that night instead of staying home).

The toughest part about our MSN chat was that we both wanted to talk about "us" but both agreed to wait until we saw each other in person. I feel talking about it on the computer or on the phone is a cop out. This is my first real relationship and I need to learn from it. One way to do that is to suck things up and deal with them, and there is no harder way than in person.

As much as it sucks, I know I'll gain a lot from my experience and now how to handle things in the future.

The scariest thing I found out was when she told me she missed talking to me before bed (we would talk every night before bed). At first, after not doing that for a few days, I almost forgot completely that we even did that to begin with.

Then she surprised again and said that that was her favorite part of the day. The part that scared me was that I was about to say the same thing.

Again, I don't know how much truth there is to her words, or even mine. Is it sincere or just feeling sorry for the other?

At least I don't have to worry anymore about when we will have "the talk".

She's back on Tuesday.