Confession

Work has been crazy and I've so busy and tired, hence the lack of blog posts. Also, nothing really exciting has been happening in my life lately. I'm still in Limbo with Wendy and on Sunday I felt at my most awkward state since we entered "the Devoid".

We spent last Sunday at the City's Gardens. There was an exhibit on butterflies. Not to look at dead ones, but they let loose about a hundred live ones so you can watch them in all their glory. I had decided to ask her if she wanted to go but surprised her about the butterfly thing.

She was happy.

I was surprised she even agreed to go. I'm not if she would have agreed to do that while we were dating. It's funny but the image i have of her when we dated is that she was always tired. It's not a very good image, but it's true. Now that I see her less often, she seems more awake when I do see her.

I feel like everyone has been telling giving me advice to end the situation I'm in. My parents, my brother, my friends, and even that tiny voice in the back of my head.

I guess it's true what they say, that in order to believe something you have to admit to doing that something.

I've been thinking a lot and I truly don't see how getting back together with Wendy is going to necessarily make me feel better. I know that I'd just worry more because if we get back together again, then it will have to be something serious. If we're going to get back together to just break up then whats the point.

I feel this tiny tug telling me to start meeting other people. Not necessarily to date but just to get out there and make new friends and meet interesting people.

I think I'm at that point to tell Wendy that I can't move forward with her anymore.

The big problem with me (and I guess her) is that I'm in a very comfortable situation. I enjoy talking on the phone with her and hanging out and it makes me feel good. So part of me doesn't want to loose the comfort.

I now know that (I think) I'm ready to end this but i"m not sure how. Part of me wants to remain friends with her but the other part of me doesn't trust that part. I don't want to have tiny thoughts in my head that things will work out if i"m trying to move on. Also, I know from experience that I'd have a hard time begin friends with her knowing that she's dating someone else, and even worse, even telling me about it.

I keep telling myself "I'll tell her after (this)" or "I have a big day at work, maybe another day" or "I really feel like talking to her now so I don't want to bring it up".

I have to admit that I guess i"m just prolonging the inevitable.

There, I admitted it! Now everyone leave me alone!

Naw, don't leave me alone, I love the attention.

So maybe in the not so distant future, this blog may get a lot more interesting...

Is there soemthing I"m not seeing?

I don't mean to keep coming back to this subject but it seems everyone won't leave me alone about it.

Tonight my mom blatantly said at the dinner table something along the lines of "You should start dating girls again" or something like that. Also, yesterday, my brother Ira was giving me a speech how Wendy is not treating me well by having us be in Limbo.

Things aren't 100% black and white but I am enjoying what I'm doing right now. It's not exactly where I want to be but I feel like we may be getting somewhere.

I went out with Wendy on Tuesday. I had to go into town to pick something I left at a friend's place and I gave Wendy a call asking if she'd like to come since her house is on the way (sort of).

We headed into town, got my stuff and then went to a book store where I bought an excellent book (The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-Time by Mark Haddon . Go buy it now!). We then went for coffee and chatted.


I've been pretty tired all week (hence the lack of posting) and I wasn't any better at coffee. Then I did something I didn't expect to do:
Wendy was telling me a story and for some strange reason I just got mesmerized in her eyes. I stopped paying any attention to her words and just dove in her eyes and started splashing around.

Then I broke out of it and was like "Yeah, that sounded like fun". To which she replied "Fun? Are you listening? We never ended up going there!"

I was totally embarrassed and just kept apologizing. I guess i could have told her the truth but was afraid I'd come on too strong and weird her out.

See thats whats tough about this situation. We're not technically dating so I"m afraid to say certain things or do certain things.

On the other hand I've been thinking lately and wonder if I"d truly enjoy it if I saw her as often as I did before.

Before we'd hang out every weekend and maybe once or twice more in the week. We'd spend days doing something together and some evenings we'd just crash on the couch and watch tv and cuddle.

Now we get together once or twice a week and talk on the phone every second day.

It's funny, but seeing her a little less is actually helping. Now when we talk we actually have things to talk about because it's been a couple of days since we last spoke. Also, we've been hanging out with other people so we actually have stories to tall about things we did, whereas before we did everything together.

However, whats shitty about this situation is I miss being with her. I miss falling asleep in her arms. I miss having her come over for dinner. I miss hanging out with her and her friends (not that I really miss her friends, it just felt good to be accepted in her circle of friends).

I realized if I really want to make that push to bring things close to how they were before, I can at least try, but something is holding me back.

I don't think I really want to go to back to how things were. I'm afraid of her coming over all the time and just sleeping, and me only wanting to have sex and not do anything about it except feel awkward. I'm afraid all we'll do is watch movies.

I know now is the best time to try to bring us to a new and different place than we were in before, but I'm not sure what that place is and how to get there.

And besides all this, as I mentioned above, it seems I'm the only one (and hopefully Wendy) who thinks we are going some place. Most people think I'm either being jerked around or wasting my time.

I'll find out soon enough.

Elwood's Dating Stories 4 - University: Psycho Girl Part 3

To conclude my story about Psycho girl. This is chock full of stupid drama.

So we spent months hanging out as friends but things just got really weird.

On one occasion I ended up at a movie with Psycho Girl and Creepy Guy. Creepy Guy was part of a club I hung out with at University and we were all having lunch. Psycho Girl had come out that day on my behalf. After lunch I invited everyone to go see Big Fish. Everyone bailed except Psycho Girl and Creepy Guy.

I"m not sure if Pyscho Girl was doing it to get rid of Creepy Guy, but by the end of the night she was giving me a lot of attention.

I was tempted to kiss her but had too many thoughts running in my head (does she want me to? She's just a friend! She hurt me already... etc.).

Another time we went skating with a bunch of my friends. I was hoping to hang out with her after the skating part and she wanted to as well. Then, al of a sudden she tells my friends goodbye and leaves!

I was pretty disappointed and left the other way to go home. Fifteen minutes later I get a call from her asking why I didn't follow her.

Very strange.

She went away on vacation for a week to Europe with her roomate and upon returning she said she missed me.

Later in the year, she missed me just being away for Valentines Day weekend.

It started to drive me crazy.

Finally one night I couldn't help it and told her I wanted to kiss her again.

Then I juped the gun and wanted to go home with her. Most people would thing I wanted sex. I absolutely was NOT thinking about sex. I just really want hold her and cuddle with someone in my sleep (I had not yet done this with anyone).

She wasn't too keen for me coming over, saying her roommate would not be happy.

The next time I saw her she was disappointed to find out that after i had left to go home that night, she found out her roommate never came home.

So at this point i had thought we were kind of dating again. The only problem was I was to shy to do anything.

We went on dates but I never kissed her.

One time we were alone in her apartment and the topic of sex came up (just general conversation, not about us having sex) and I was joking around a lot.

At one point i said "Well we better go" referring to our evening of playing pool, but as a joke, I pointed to her bedroom.

Then I got up with the intention of really going to play pool and she gave me this confused look and said "oh... ok then..." and when I asked what was wrong she said "It's nothing... must be my hormones..."

You don't know how many friends yelled at me after I told them that story. They all think she wanted sex badly.

I don't know what it is with me and sex (still a virgin, even after having dated someone for 10 months) but that's for another post on another day.

Things really got fucked up when we had planned to spend an all nighter having fun outside in the city. I was excited and thought I'd end up at her place at the end of the night.

Before the nigt even began she started to tell me how tired she was and was probably going to call it an early night. My heart was crushed.

Then later on in the evening I bumped into a friend completely by accident and she had thought i planned to meet him because I didn't want o spend time with her.

In the end she turned to me and said "I'm sorry" and left me to go home.

Next time I saw her she was all happy to hang out with me. I was pretty happy too. We went for coffee and thats when she tells me she started dating that guy from her high school who she e-mailed earlier that year.

I was devastated.

I felt used. Hurt. Sad.

Worst of all I had to endure that for months because i worked with her and she still wanted to be my friend.

I almost lost all my friends complaining about her and my situation for almost a full year.

I finally got out of it by graduating from University and moving overseas for a year.

I kept it a secret from her as much as a could and right before I left she e-mailed me this whole long story how she wanted to remain my friend.

I simply replied that I could write a whole e-mail about how much I hated her but instead decided to wish her a good life and that this was goodbye.

About 1 month later, in Australia, I found out she got engaged.

Boy was I glad I wasn't there for that.

EPILOGUE

I never saw her again until one day last winter after having moved back to My City, I was walking on a cold winter day all bundled up with my headphones in my ears. I look up and see her waving at someone.

I was shocked!

She didn't notice me. I kept walking and was thinking: "Oh my god! What should I do? Should I talk to her? Should i keep walking? Will she remember me? What would i say?"

Then when I broke out of my thoughts I looked up again only to realize I had walked 8 blocks from where I had seen her.

So i just kept walking.

Valentines Day Recap

Yesterday was Valentines day.

I'm not the biggest fan. At first it bothered me because I was always single at the time. Over the years when I got over feeling sad because I was single, I started to dislike Valentines Day more for the whole Hallmark/let's spend money buying crap theme.

Yesterday started off pretty interestingly. I spent the whole day having an "anti-valentines" day attitude but had unconsciously put on a bright red t-shirt. This made everyone at work think I was totally in to the holiday spirit.

However, last night was the closest to a romantic Valentines Day I could say I had.

Last year I had just started dating Wendy and we didn't even get together that day. I can't even remember if I bought her anything.

This year, even though were in limbo, Wendy and I decided to meet last night.

I had bought my mom a shitty, overpriced bouquet of flowers from the convenience store (it's all they had). She really liked the thought. Then I took a single, half closed rose and gave it to Wendy.

Wendy almost sat on it as she came into the car. When she noticed it she really liked it.

We had decided to go for coffee but our time got cut really short since the place closed 30 minutes after we got there.

I told her we had two choices: 1. Drop her off at home 2. Find somewhere to hang out and talk.

We ended up spending 40 minutes driving around her town. She showed me where she went to elementary school and the house she grew up in as a kid.

The whole time I had a bad case of hiccups and she kept making fun of me.

Eventually, she led me back to her house.

We chatted a bit more and I started to tease her. Poke her a bit, etc.

Finally, I couldn't help myself and reached in for a kiss.

We made out for a bit and then I held her in my arms.

It felt good. I hadn't done that in at least month.

We got to talk seriously about us and that also felt good. I'm glad I'm not afraid to talk to her about these things anymore. We both gave each other solid feedback. The only shitty thing is she still doesn't know what she wants.

She's away this weekend so I'm going to play things by ear for a little while . I'm thinking of upping the situation a bit. Start inviting her over again., try to do really stuff and see how she reacts. However, I'm not going to keep this up forever and sooner or later I'm going to tell her either we're dating or not - no more of this limbo stuff.

I don't feel like I'm ready to move on just yet but the longer we keep this up the less I can keep my feeling for her so high.

I hope others had a pleasant V-day as well.

Elwood's Dating Stories 4- University: Psycho girl Part 2

So to continue where I left off, Psycho Girl had admitted that she had a crush on me.

I should have seen the bad signs right off the bat. I only realized later that week that when she told me she liked me, she kept taking big sips of her beer, like she was trying to get drunk so it all made sense. It went like this:

"I" *sip* "Really" *sip* "Have a"*sip* "Crush on you!" *SIP!*

After downing our beers, we headed to a local park dubbed Crack Park (for the obvious reasons).

We sat down on a bench and talked a bit more.

I remember looking at the fountain in the middle of the park and seeing a weird looking couple getting their wedding picture taken.... at 11:30pm... by 1 guy.... with no one else around...

Anyways, Psycho Girl kept looking at me. Then she offered me some gum. Then looked some more. Finally she asked me if I would kiss her, and I did.

(Funny enough, I owe it to Psycho Girl because on my third date with Wendy, she had asked me if I wanted gum and this time I knew it was code for "do you want to kiss me", so Wendy didn't need to ask me).

For the res of October, I kept getting huge mixed signals from Psycho girl. We never kissed again since that night, only hung out as friends. I was too shy to try anything and I guess she didn't seem to mind.

That all changed on Halloween.

The plan was to hang out and get drunk. Boy did we ever!

I spent the night with Pyscho Girl, my buddy Football Guy and his girlfriend at the time.

We went to a University party where you paid a price to enter the building and throughout there were stations for shots. We were pretty sloshed on the way out.

We were all supposed to head to a club but Football Guy and his girlfriend were arguing or something. I'm not really sure what was going on because Psycho Girl kept making out with me in the street.

I probably should have left, but I really wanted to hang out with my buddy (I know, I didn't have my priorities straight back then).

Finally, Psycho Girl admitted she didn't feel well and that we had to go back to her place, which thankfully was near by.

On the way there, I heard her slur to me "I just want to hang out with you until I find someone else".

She told me that straight up to my face, and in such a passive manner like it was nothing.

It ruined the night for me.

Before I could even react to that, I found myself in her bathroom, being yelled at her to take off her dress so she could puke in the toilet. (Also, strangely enough, two months ago I almost found myself helping Wendy puke in a toilet at a hotel, but she yelled at me not to come into the bathroom, and in the end she never puked).

I helped Pyscho Girl into her bed. She asked me to join her but I was still all fucked up from what she told me earlier, and although I was drunk, something inside told me to get the fuck out of there, so I did.

I ended up at a friend's party instead of the club. At the party I had a really drunk conversation with two of my equally drunk friends:

Friends 1 and 2: "You left her all alone in her place?"
Elwood: "Yeah..."
Friends 1 and 2: "How'd you leave her?"
Elwood: I left her to sleep on her back"
Friends 1 and 2: "ON her BACK?! She could choke on vomit! You need to go back there!"
Elwood: Are you sure that's necessary?"
Friends 1 and 2: "Yes! Lets go!"
Elwood" Lets go? I don't even remember where she lives! I ran out of there as fast as a could!"
Friends 1 and 2: "Do you have her number? At least call her!"

We finally all calmed down and I called her. Not only was she fine, by calling her I had woken her up.

The next day, she had called me.

It was awkward on the phone. I just cut her off and said I thought we should just remain friends.

She agreed.

That was when I should have just gotten over her and moved on, but I didn't...

Instead, we still hung out. I used to drop by her job at the school supply shop between classes, had lunch with her , and talked to her on the phone.

Sometime time during that semester, she had admitted to me that she had e-mailed her High School Crush and asked him if he was available. He had told her that he just broke up with his girlfriend and wasn't ready to start dating again.

Lucky for he she had me around to mess with my head...

(Stay tuned for part 3. Yes this is a long fucking story. )

Elwood's Dating Stories 4 - University: Psycho Girl Part 1

In 2000 I started University. I was entering the college life without ever having kissed someone, been in a relationship or had sex. I also didn't go out much or drink.

Within the first year I befriended a group of good guys and we'd go out almost every weekend and hit up some bars. I eventually started going out more and more and even got involved with a committee that organized parties for my faculty.

It's through that that I had my first kiss.

Although I can't remember if it happened before or after that kiss, I do recall hanging out with some friends outside on campus when all of a sudden a bunch of people in a FROSH group came barreling towards us and all at once said excitedly that they were in a scavenger hunt and needed a picture of someone kissing a stranger.

Next thing I know it, some chick kissed me and ran off.

My friends all laughed and said I got kiss-raped.

So for the first couple of years at University I pretty much avoided any drama with girls. In my third year however things changed.

Thats when I met psycho girl.

I have mentioned her here and there throughout my blog already but I figure nows as a good a time as ever to give the whole story. I was so obsessed with it that I told everyone this story for up to year after it ended.

Basically I worked all summer in a lab at my University. During that time I met Psycho girl. She worked in the basement of the building.

She quickly joined my group of fellow co-workers who would hang out at lunch and sometimes go out after work.

I had a crush on her pretty quickly. She was tall, average weight and had long blond hair. I thought she was so hot.

We started to hand out a lot. I would go visit her at her lab and she'd be happy to see me.

About a month after meeting her, she had ended a 3 year relationship with this guy she lived with. She had told me that the day he asked her out, he came to class with some roses, then they dated for 3 years.

I didn't piece together in my head that she just finished a three year relationship and only thought "she's single and ready for the taking!".

had devised a plan to buy her a rose but because I didn't want her to think I was looking for something serious, I thought at the time if I bought her a fake rose that would make things better. And to make things even weirder, I thought it'd be a good idea to give it to her on my birthday.

I ended up getting really drunk and hitting on her quite strongly. She didn't like it so much and eventually she left. I never had a chance to give her the rose because I was way too shy.

About a week later I cornered her at her lab and gave her the rose. She laughed it off and thought it was a joke to which I played the "yes, that's it! It's a joke! Ha ha ha..... I going to go now..." card.

She soon caught on and told me she wasn't interested.

Fair enough. I was being so selfish and not thinking what she was going through. So I made it clear to myself to only be friends with her.

Things were good. We hung out a lot and flirted a bit but it was fun because we were just friends.
Then things got weird when a mutual friend got obsessed with Psycho Girl. He wouldn't leave her alone and looking back now, she totally used me to get him off her back.

On her birthday, she held my hand in front of him to make him jealous and it worked. The only shitty thing was I was crashing at his place and I didn't want to be stranded on the street. Luckily I calmed him down and reassured him I was just friends with Psycho Girl (which was the truth).

My favorite moment with Psycho Girl that summer was when we sat on the grass outside in a park right next to the spot where a Radiohead concert was playing. She didn't know their music, but we chatted and I got to talk to her about the music and the band.

Our friendship continued into the fall semester at University. I'd call her sometimes and invite her to my friends' parties. We'd bump into each other at school and hang out at lunch with our mutual friends. It was a lot of fun.

Finally one fall evening, I had an awful day at school. I accidentally erased my lab report and had to rewrite the whole thing. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a beer that I so needed. She said yes and we ended up at my favorite bar.

We had a couple of beers and talked. Then she had admitted after knowing her 5 months that she had a crush on me. That she thought I was cute and that she had wanted to kiss me way back at the Radiohead concert.

Deep down inside I was thrilled! I couldn't believe I was hearing this gorgeous girl who I thought was out of my league tell me she actually liked me!

Then she said "I don't want a relationship. I just want a fling".

I actually convinced myself I could handle that.

I would soon find out that I definitely could not handle that...

(to be continued)

Surpised

Wendy called tonight.

I was surprised that she called at all. I was even more surprised when she brought up the getaway tomorrow with my friends. However, I wasn't surprised when she told me she wasn't coming.

Her reason for cancelling is that she's going to learn how to snowboard with some friends.

It didn't bother me, really, to hear that. I kind of expected it anyways and wasn't trying to keep my hopes up either. I was happy to hear her at least acknowledge it. I even told her that and she said "why wouldn't I tell you?"

Out of curiosity, I asked her if she hadn't had those plans would she have come anyways and she said probably but that she just wasn't interested in the whole getaway thing to begin with. I'm not sure what to think about that.

I must be slipping or something and hope not to make a habit of this but again at dinner Wendy came up some how and my mom asked me about the weekend thing. I told her Wendy wasn't coming. My mom made a point that at one time, she'd do certain things, that she may not have been entirely interested in, but wanted to be there because of me.

Now I don't have that kind of power anymore.

I feel like things are crumbling all over the place. However I was thinking about it and I know that if she wants to stop seeing me at all or just stay friends, she will tell me.

Since she hasn't yet, either she's still thinking things through or it's going to come out very soon.

Meanwhile I'm tempted to start moving on. Thankfully I have a lot of group activitie coming up this weekend and the next that it'll keep my mind of things.

Wendy is coming by later to borrow some goggles for tomorrow and then we're going to hang out somewhere.

I'm going to make a huge effort to stop worrying and thinking about it and just go and have some fun.

Mother knows best?

I forgot to mention how my mom was asking me about Wendy during dinner.
She wanted to know what is going on with us. I told her I don't even know what is going on.

Long story short my mom was hinting really non-discretely that I should move on already and start dating others.

I didn't want to really talk to her about it but I told her I had things under control.

I hope I do...

Considerable thinking

So as the post title states, I've been thinking a lot.

I dated Wendy for ten months. From the beginning things were exciting. Here was a beautiful girl who actually was interested in getting to know me!

We started going out on a few dates and talking on the phone. This eventually led to talking on the phone everyday. She'd come out to some parties and events I was involved with and vice versa. We'd hang out with my friends. We'd hang out with her friends.

We talk about everything. We had inside jokes. We'd always kid about giving each other medals for stupid things. We'd play thumb wars all the time. She taught me about punch buggies and constantly punched me when we saw a Beetle or a yellow car.

After a 5 month we started holding hands. I'd kiss her goodnight every time our time together was over.

We celebrated each others birthdays. I got her a nice gift on hers but I had just met her. By my birthday she knew me well enough to buy me something that I really appreciated.

We'd watch movies and snuggle. We'd hold each other in our arms and fall asleep. She'd stay over some times and we'd share my tiny bed.

There were some times we'd have a chance to get intimate. At times it was awkward but so exciting and interesting and new!

We even spent a weekend away. Just the two of us.

These are all things I remember and cherish.

Then we stopped growing and it dragged on until we broke up.

The break up was really wishy washy. The night of was probably the most connected, intimate night I ever had with her. Emotions were flying.

Now everything feels empty.

We broke up but are still "sort of" seeing each other and I have to admit it really sucks.

I don't know whats going on. I've told Wendy my intentions and unintentionally pushed her to give me an answer on if we're dating or not. She says she's still confused.

We went on a few dates. The dates were fun and we made out after each of them, but something just feels off. A little voice in the back of my head keeps ruining the evening but saying "whats going on? You need ot find out whats going on or you're going to get hurt.

We're now talking onthe phone every second day instead of everyday.

I used to see her at least 3 times a week. Now I haven't seen her in over a week.

She's been spending more time with friends than me.

I've decided that it's coming to the point where i need to make a decision. At first I kind of liked where we were at because I thought it might lead somewhere but now I'm not so sure.

I invited her to a weekend getaway with friends this weekend and I'm pretty sure now she's not going to come. She told me last night how she wanted to go to Toronto this weekend but because she's going next weekend, she decided not too. It sounded like she didn't even consider the possibility of if she went that meant she couldn't' come to my thing. To me that means she never had any intention on coming. On top of that she still hasn't told me she won't come. I know that I'm going to have to ask her for an answer or else I won't get one. I'd be really surprised if she brings it up to tell em she decided not to come for whatever reason.

Then next weekend she's going to Toronto. That is also the same weekend I have a really big comedy show I"m doing with my friends. It's thinks like that that inteh past she would have made an effort to come to or if she really couldn't come (in this case, even if we were still dating she would go to Toronto to see her pregnant instead) she'd at least make it up to me.

Not now.

it's starting ot feel like the magic is slowly fading away.

I still like her but the longer we keep this up the harder I think it'll be for me to keep my feelings high.

I feel like me being a priority to her is starting to drop down her list.

So, I figure I can call her tomorrow night and ask her to go out and try to make something out of it and still try to build things for the small possibility of maybe getting back together.

Or, I could leave it in her hands. See if she calls me to go out. Otherwise, I won't see her this weekend or next weekend and who knows if we'll go out in the week. If that's the case it'll be 3 weeks not seeing her. Then I'll evaluate how she acts around me.

If she sounds like she's missing me, than I say she has some interest in trying to get things going again. If not, then I'm going ot tell her we're not getting anywhere and just let it fizzle.

So now the question is do I call or not?

(If you read this whole post good for you! I'm sorry it's so long! Don't worry I have other things i want to talk about besides Wendy. Keep your eyes open in the next few days!)

Is what it is

Sunday I started feeling sick. Now i have some sort of cold. I hate it because I'm not technically sick sick but I'm not feeling 100% healthy either. It's like I'm 50% sick.
My throat was sore but it went away. Now my my nose is partially blocked but I'm pretty sleepy and week.

Anyways, because of this, I went to bed early Sunday night. All weekend I didn't hear from Wendy and was wondering if that could mean something. Lo and behold, Monday morning I notice she called but because I was so tired I slept right through it.

I called her back last night. It felt good to hear her say that she called me late because she was got really caught up in her book but also really wanted to talk to me so she just ended up calling me later than usual. I know it's silly but it's things like that that make me feel nice inside. She didn't have to call me but she wanted to and did.

We talked a bit and she felt bad to hear I was sick. For obvious reasons, this time she won't be coming over to make me feel better but talking on te phone was nice enough.

I took a chance and mentioned to her the small get together at my friend's cottage this weekend and asked if she wanted to come. I told her I know it may be too soon but I just want to hang out and it would be a lot of fun.

She seemed pretty reluctant about it and told me she's "think about it". 99.99% she's not going to come but I don't blame her. She's trying to figure things out and I keep pushing (not intentionally). I can see how she could think I was pushing with this but I also asked just to see where we stand. If she had said yes right away then at least I would know how comfortable she feels. Since she said no, to me that means she's still figuring things out an dI respect her choice.

I'll see what happens by Saturday but maybe in the end it's better she doesn't come because I know myself better than anyone and I may start to get ideas in my head that aren't true.

Until then...

One Year Anniversary

Today would have been the 1 year anniversary with Wendy.

Wendy and I officially broke up over a month ago. It's weird in that past month sometimes I feel like nothing has changed and then other times, like right now, it feels different and bothers me.

I haven't actually seen her since we had coffee on Tuesday and the last time we spoke on the phone was on Thursday.

I don't know why, but I was kind of hoping she'd call me this weekend. Just to talk. I think I've been a bit depressed a lonely. I know it's the worst reasons to want to talk to her but it's the truth.

In any case, even if we were together still, i always got the impression she never cared for stuff like "anniversaries", or reminiscing on things we did within the relationship. I could be wrong but that's just the vibe I got from her.


I've been feeling weird since I spoke to her on Thursday. We were chatting and everything was fine. then we talked about this huge snow storm we were expecting here in My City:

Elwood: (I was practically falling asleep at this point)
Elwood: "Hey, I know the weather is bad tomorrow, but if it clears, do you want to get together?"

Wendy: (long awkward pause)
Wendy: "um I'm probably not going out at all tomorrow"

Then, almost completely asleep, I wished her a good night and passed out. I only really remembered the conversation when I woke up.

I was pretty mad at myself because it makes me sound like I'm so eager to hang out with her all the time. The shitty thing is I would be like that when we were dating. I always felt like i had to ask her a day or two in advance if she were free to do something. I always felt stupid having to do that but thats how we did things. I'm not sure if it's how she liked to do things and I adapted to it or if she figured thats how I liked to operate.

Since that call, I've been feeling pretty down about our situation. My mind keeps wandering and saying things like "That's it. This means its really over. She doesn't like you anymore.". All this just because she told me she didn't want to hang out during a snow storm...

Sometimes I wonder where my logic is,

Also, next weekend a friend of mine is having a get together at his cottage up North. I've been toying with the thought of asking Wendy to come. I'm curious to see her reaction because it pretty much implies i want to sleep with her in the same bed (although we don't have to, I'd like here there anyways even if it means I have to sleep on the floor).

I'm still not sure what to do...