So I've been in this situation before and I HATE it. I'm getting too excited over a girl.
I've had enough dating experiences to know what has worked and what hasn't. Getting too excited hasn't. I feel I'm repeating. Sure it's ok to be excited that a date went well, but I can't stop thinking about how well it went and also doing that thing where you start fantasizing all kinds of scenarios of dates to come. Do other people do this or am I just crazy?
I'm trying to not think about it and really not make it a big deal. We met once, had fun chatting and kissed. It's normal and doesn't mean anything per se, it's possible there won't be a second date. She could change her mind or have just been playing up the fact she liked me but didn't. A million things could happen.
Well, one thing did happen. She asked me out again.
I had waited 2 days to text her. I had the intention of asking her myself. I had decided judging by her busy schedule (Friday was her only day off) and by the fact I would probably be tired myself from my busy week, I wanted to suggest that I cook us dinner and watch Netflix rather than go out.
I was worried she would feel uncomfortable to do that since we just met and I'm already inviting her over. Is dinner and a movie at home a normal 2nd date? I just didn't want her to think all I want to do is jump in her pants.
When she beat me to it and confirmed she wanted to meet Friday, I sneakily gave her 2 options: 1. Go out to a show that sounds interesting. 2. Stay in, let me cook and watch a movie.
She warned me she's really indecisive when it comes to picking things for a date. I tried my best to causally say how option 2 sounds better (when really that's all I really wanted to do) still with the worry of her rejecting the whole idea.
Again she surprised me and said yes to that.
EXCITING!
If I was going crazy before I think now I'm completely insane. I'm trying really hard not to think about it but it's tough. And this is where I get upset about myself. If I over think things I know I can never enjoy them because I'm building too much hype. It's like Star Wars episode 1. So much hype and anticipation, such a terrible movie.
Anyways, I just need to get through today and tomorrow without having a nervous breakdown and I think I'll be ok. I just wish I could be casual about these things than get too excited like that kid in the YouTube video when he finds out he got a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. I'm 33, so I should stop acting like I'm 12.
Well here's to the two longest days ever.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Saturday, December 6, 2014
The Cute Princess
It was Sunday. 3 days since I got the phone number of Cute Princess (which I will refer to as CP from now on). My plan was to wait at least until that day to contact her. I didn't want to come across eager.
I didn't get the chance. She beat me to it. I was busy in the afternoon but checked my phone and saw she left me a message saying it was nice meeting me.
Later that night we texted for a bit and arranged a date. It turned out the only day she was free that week was Monday. So we met up the next day at a bar.
I'm not amazing with dating (otherwise this blog would be called The Amazing Date Bloomer) but I think the date went extremely well.
The bar we picked was nice but not crowded, so we could hear ourselves talk. And talk we did for 3 hours!
I read once that you don't want your dates to drag on too long. That it's good to have a goal to leave at a certain time. However, we just lost track of time.
I learned a lot about her on the first date. Examples were she's into geeky things like role playing. She's getting into costume making. She admits to being awkward. She's into classic rock. All things I enjoy/can relate to.
CP made it easy for me because she mentioned more than once that this was a date. So I didn't have to wonder about it.
We finished our first drink and I could see she had no hesitation to stay for a second one.
Once it started to get late and our 2nd beers were done, we paid for out drinks and headed outside.
We were headed in opposite directions. Normally I dread the end of dates because I never know what to do or say. Don't want to sound too eager to meet again and never sure what they will say.
She made it easy for me again.
She told me she had a really good time and was glad we met. Then she asked me how we want to go about our goodbye, if in one who kisses on the first date or not.
I've never been asked that before. Only once did I kiss on the first date and even then I wasn't really into the person. Here was different. I wanted to kiss her but was surprised she wanted the same.
Before doing anything I just had to bring up one thing. From the stories we were sharing I calculated she has to be anywhere from 10 to 8 years younger than me. I just wanted her to know that.
She said she figured that out too when she Facebook stalked me. This made me laugh.
Then we kissed.
It was nice. It wasn't a quick peck. She kissed me at least 3 times. We probably could have made out but I wanted to keep it short and save that for later, if there is a later.
We said goodbye again and she said to text her and we went our separate ways
I didn't get the chance. She beat me to it. I was busy in the afternoon but checked my phone and saw she left me a message saying it was nice meeting me.
Later that night we texted for a bit and arranged a date. It turned out the only day she was free that week was Monday. So we met up the next day at a bar.
I'm not amazing with dating (otherwise this blog would be called The Amazing Date Bloomer) but I think the date went extremely well.
The bar we picked was nice but not crowded, so we could hear ourselves talk. And talk we did for 3 hours!
I read once that you don't want your dates to drag on too long. That it's good to have a goal to leave at a certain time. However, we just lost track of time.
I learned a lot about her on the first date. Examples were she's into geeky things like role playing. She's getting into costume making. She admits to being awkward. She's into classic rock. All things I enjoy/can relate to.
CP made it easy for me because she mentioned more than once that this was a date. So I didn't have to wonder about it.
We finished our first drink and I could see she had no hesitation to stay for a second one.
Once it started to get late and our 2nd beers were done, we paid for out drinks and headed outside.
We were headed in opposite directions. Normally I dread the end of dates because I never know what to do or say. Don't want to sound too eager to meet again and never sure what they will say.
She made it easy for me again.
She told me she had a really good time and was glad we met. Then she asked me how we want to go about our goodbye, if in one who kisses on the first date or not.
I've never been asked that before. Only once did I kiss on the first date and even then I wasn't really into the person. Here was different. I wanted to kiss her but was surprised she wanted the same.
Before doing anything I just had to bring up one thing. From the stories we were sharing I calculated she has to be anywhere from 10 to 8 years younger than me. I just wanted her to know that.
She said she figured that out too when she Facebook stalked me. This made me laugh.
Then we kissed.
It was nice. It wasn't a quick peck. She kissed me at least 3 times. We probably could have made out but I wanted to keep it short and save that for later, if there is a later.
We said goodbye again and she said to text her and we went our separate ways
Friday, December 5, 2014
Halloween 2014 - Day 3
I didn't expect to do anything Halloween related on Nov. 1st but last minute was invited by a friend to join him at a party.
It could not have worked out more perfect. The house party turned out to be right across the street from my apartment building so I was able to go home and get my costume.
We arrive at the party and it's packed and full of people wearing really impressive costumes. Apparently the host is known for throwing fun Halloween parties. A group of people even showed up as other character from the cartoon my costume was inspired.
I even knew someone there and met a bunch of fun new people.
It was the experience I needed to boost my confidence and just have fun. It was a great night and I'm glad I can think back to that night for Halloween rather than Katie's party and feel down how it didn't live up to last year.
It could not have worked out more perfect. The house party turned out to be right across the street from my apartment building so I was able to go home and get my costume.
We arrive at the party and it's packed and full of people wearing really impressive costumes. Apparently the host is known for throwing fun Halloween parties. A group of people even showed up as other character from the cartoon my costume was inspired.
I even knew someone there and met a bunch of fun new people.
It was the experience I needed to boost my confidence and just have fun. It was a great night and I'm glad I can think back to that night for Halloween rather than Katie's party and feel down how it didn't live up to last year.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Halloween 2014 - Day 2
Friday night was Katie's party. I had no idea what to expect. I made sure to have plans earlier so I would arrive late.
I cabbed over with a few friends and arrived at 11:30pm. The party was packed and full of people I know. That made me feel good since that's the real reason I went - to see my friends. Having gone just for Katie would have been awkward.
I briefly saw her ad I walked in. She liked my costume and went off to other people. I mostly hung out with my friends throughout the night. I did get a chance to chat with a. Few of Katie's friends I'd hung out with when we dated. That was a bit tough.
One guy was all "hey! Good to see you! I'm sorry we lost touch but it was tough because you were cool but I'm Katie's friend...". Yeah. Save it. It's ok really.
I did get to talk to Katie later on in the night but any sparks we had are totally gone. She made it sound like she's want to remain friends after the break up but It doesn't feel genuine when I talk to her now.
I'm glad I went so I could discover that and finally feel done with her. The night wasn't really eventful and because I had SUCH an experience last year, this night felt flat.
I had fun but went home and just went to bed.
I cabbed over with a few friends and arrived at 11:30pm. The party was packed and full of people I know. That made me feel good since that's the real reason I went - to see my friends. Having gone just for Katie would have been awkward.
I briefly saw her ad I walked in. She liked my costume and went off to other people. I mostly hung out with my friends throughout the night. I did get a chance to chat with a. Few of Katie's friends I'd hung out with when we dated. That was a bit tough.
One guy was all "hey! Good to see you! I'm sorry we lost touch but it was tough because you were cool but I'm Katie's friend...". Yeah. Save it. It's ok really.
I did get to talk to Katie later on in the night but any sparks we had are totally gone. She made it sound like she's want to remain friends after the break up but It doesn't feel genuine when I talk to her now.
I'm glad I went so I could discover that and finally feel done with her. The night wasn't really eventful and because I had SUCH an experience last year, this night felt flat.
I had fun but went home and just went to bed.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Halloween 2014 - Day 1
I originally planned on writing about my experience with Katie to help me get over her and then stop. However, I think i may continue for a while as long as I'm inspired and have relevant things to talk about.
Well this past weekend was full of relevant material. So let's start with day one of my Halloween experience in 2014.
As mentioned before, I LOVE dressing up for Halloween. Been a passion of mine for the last 10 years. Every year spending weeks creating my costume. Materials are usually cardboard and tape but I've upgraded to adding fabric to the mix too. This year was no exception where I dressed up as a popular cartoon character from my childhood.
In My City, there's a guy that puts on geeky and interesting events and one of them is a Slow Dance Party. At a normal party, its usually dance music with a slow song sprinkled in here or there. This is the opposite. The main music is slow dance music.
You're encouraged to always be dancing with a partner. It may sound creepy to dance with a total stranger but it's not. That's what I love about this event. The organizer makes sure it's friendly for everyone. There are volunteers to make sure you're not just sitting on the side, if you're shy to ask someone to dance. Also it's open to all orientations, so there will be guys dancing with guys, queer with straight, etc.
I've gone before (it happens 2-3 times a year) but this one was on the 30th so costumes were encouraged.
I was supposed to go with some friends but they bailed last minute. I almost didn't go myself as I had a headache but I spent so much time on my Halloween costume I wanted to wear it and test it out.
The event started at 9pm. I got there around 9:30pm and only stayed an hour because I had to work the next day.
I was worried it would be dead until around the time I left but surprisingly there was a decent crowd. I also enjoyed the fact most people were dressed up in cool costumes.
I ended up dancing and meeting a bunch of nice people. It's like a meet and greet because you end up chatting the entire 3-4 min you're together. It's always stuff like "what's your name?where are you from? Are you a student or working?" And for this time "nice costume" or "what are you dressed as?".
I'm not shy to ask people to dance myself (in fact I've volunteered before), so I would approach people on the side. There was a cute girl, dressed as a princess, sitting down, her friends all dancing. I asked her to dance and she said maybe later. Not an unusual response, so I went to get a drink instead.
I danced for a bit longer and then had to leave. As I was saying my goodbyes to a friend, that cute girl from before approached me and asked me to dance. I had time for one more, so why not?
We danced and chatted and it was nice. I learned she likes dressing up and making her own costumes and goes to comicon dressed up (I do too!).
When the song ended we both thanked each other but the way she said goodbye... It lingered a bit. Like she wanted to say something or wanted me to. I awkwardly said goodbye and walked away.
I said my goodbyes to a few people and changed out of my costume. The entire time feeling I may have missed my chance on something. As I exited the bathroom, I saw her sitting down alone again. Now was my chance.
I approached her and said it was nice chatting but too short and asked her out for a drink.
She stared back at me for a couple of seconds and then said yes. We swapped numbers.
As I was leaving for real, when I got to the door, she had come running after me. She was worried she gave me the wrong number because my text hadn't arrived yet. Just then it did. Said goodbye again and I walked home.
I'm TERRIBLE at signals and could have easily done nothing. I'm also super shy. However, she gave me her number! And then made sure I had it. This isn't behavior of someone trying to blow me off. It was a nice feeling when walking home.
Well this past weekend was full of relevant material. So let's start with day one of my Halloween experience in 2014.
As mentioned before, I LOVE dressing up for Halloween. Been a passion of mine for the last 10 years. Every year spending weeks creating my costume. Materials are usually cardboard and tape but I've upgraded to adding fabric to the mix too. This year was no exception where I dressed up as a popular cartoon character from my childhood.
In My City, there's a guy that puts on geeky and interesting events and one of them is a Slow Dance Party. At a normal party, its usually dance music with a slow song sprinkled in here or there. This is the opposite. The main music is slow dance music.
You're encouraged to always be dancing with a partner. It may sound creepy to dance with a total stranger but it's not. That's what I love about this event. The organizer makes sure it's friendly for everyone. There are volunteers to make sure you're not just sitting on the side, if you're shy to ask someone to dance. Also it's open to all orientations, so there will be guys dancing with guys, queer with straight, etc.
I've gone before (it happens 2-3 times a year) but this one was on the 30th so costumes were encouraged.
I was supposed to go with some friends but they bailed last minute. I almost didn't go myself as I had a headache but I spent so much time on my Halloween costume I wanted to wear it and test it out.
The event started at 9pm. I got there around 9:30pm and only stayed an hour because I had to work the next day.
I was worried it would be dead until around the time I left but surprisingly there was a decent crowd. I also enjoyed the fact most people were dressed up in cool costumes.
I ended up dancing and meeting a bunch of nice people. It's like a meet and greet because you end up chatting the entire 3-4 min you're together. It's always stuff like "what's your name?where are you from? Are you a student or working?" And for this time "nice costume" or "what are you dressed as?".
I'm not shy to ask people to dance myself (in fact I've volunteered before), so I would approach people on the side. There was a cute girl, dressed as a princess, sitting down, her friends all dancing. I asked her to dance and she said maybe later. Not an unusual response, so I went to get a drink instead.
I danced for a bit longer and then had to leave. As I was saying my goodbyes to a friend, that cute girl from before approached me and asked me to dance. I had time for one more, so why not?
We danced and chatted and it was nice. I learned she likes dressing up and making her own costumes and goes to comicon dressed up (I do too!).
When the song ended we both thanked each other but the way she said goodbye... It lingered a bit. Like she wanted to say something or wanted me to. I awkwardly said goodbye and walked away.
I said my goodbyes to a few people and changed out of my costume. The entire time feeling I may have missed my chance on something. As I exited the bathroom, I saw her sitting down alone again. Now was my chance.
I approached her and said it was nice chatting but too short and asked her out for a drink.
She stared back at me for a couple of seconds and then said yes. We swapped numbers.
As I was leaving for real, when I got to the door, she had come running after me. She was worried she gave me the wrong number because my text hadn't arrived yet. Just then it did. Said goodbye again and I walked home.
I'm TERRIBLE at signals and could have easily done nothing. I'm also super shy. However, she gave me her number! And then made sure I had it. This isn't behavior of someone trying to blow me off. It was a nice feeling when walking home.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The Next Chapter
Like I mentioned before, Katie is back in town and I have seen her a bit here and there. We also chatted a little on Facebook but it's not the same as before.
Before we would chat for a long time. This would be quick answers with long periods of time in-between, from several hours to even days.
At first I was reluctant to chat, than I went trough a period where I was hoping to ignite something again and then after writing all these posts, I think I can say I feel like I've calmed down and am moving on.
Also as mentioned before, Katie is having a Halloween party. She invited me through Facebook. I was in my crazy "I want to get back together" phase and immediately thought it must mean something. We had an amazing time together last year and now I'm invited back!
Well I know it means nothing. All my friends are invited and I'm a friend per se, so totally logical to be invited. Some of my friends find it weird I want to go but I'm sure everything will be fine. In fact I just found out I'm doing a show that night so will be arriving fashionably late with some other people which is what is prefer anyways.
Aside from that I've been busy but not too busy. I've cut down a lot of projects. In putting the gym before anything and it's showing small results.
I couldn't do a push up 2 month ago and now I can do about 40 (in sets of 6). I haven't gained much weight but my muscles are more toned. And the best part is I have more energy.
With the new apartment and all the stuff I learned from my last relationship, I'm ready to just chill for a while and have fun and see what happens.
Before we would chat for a long time. This would be quick answers with long periods of time in-between, from several hours to even days.
At first I was reluctant to chat, than I went trough a period where I was hoping to ignite something again and then after writing all these posts, I think I can say I feel like I've calmed down and am moving on.
Also as mentioned before, Katie is having a Halloween party. She invited me through Facebook. I was in my crazy "I want to get back together" phase and immediately thought it must mean something. We had an amazing time together last year and now I'm invited back!
Well I know it means nothing. All my friends are invited and I'm a friend per se, so totally logical to be invited. Some of my friends find it weird I want to go but I'm sure everything will be fine. In fact I just found out I'm doing a show that night so will be arriving fashionably late with some other people which is what is prefer anyways.
Aside from that I've been busy but not too busy. I've cut down a lot of projects. In putting the gym before anything and it's showing small results.
I couldn't do a push up 2 month ago and now I can do about 40 (in sets of 6). I haven't gained much weight but my muscles are more toned. And the best part is I have more energy.
With the new apartment and all the stuff I learned from my last relationship, I'm ready to just chill for a while and have fun and see what happens.
Monday, December 1, 2014
What I Learned
As up and down things were with Katie I did learn a lot from both her and my experience with her.
- Be more positive. She always had a positive spin on things. Not that I'm only negative but I saw we saw things differently at times. Where I would be more like "I'm excited for this show but I sure hope I perform well", she would be "Woo! This is going to be a kick ass show!.
- Do LESS. I was doing way too much in my life. I really couldn't handle all the projects I put on my plate, and then have time for a girlfriend. And it showed. I got sick so often. I figured this out before we broke up and had already cut things out of my schedule. Also I started going got the gym in my building 3 times a week. It's keeping me home, forcing me to so less and also gives me lots of energy.
- Pay attention. Nothing bugs me more than when I'm talking to someone and they are not listening. I discovered with Katie that I'm just as bad. I think it had to do with being so busy that I was so easily distracted.
- Talk more. We had a huge chat off the top of the relationship that we would communicate if anything was bothering us. We both agreed to not be afraid to voice our opinions and that talking about stuff is the best way to go. Well, that in itself was just talk. Neither of is kept that up.
- No texting. This one ties in with hand last. I'm not really saying no texting at all but I really don't think chatting every night by text message was the way to go. It made it easier for me to pay less attention to what Katie was saying. In my next relationship I'd like to set up a habit of talking on the phone every now and then than just texting all the time.
- Don't let things drag. I saw things weren't working but let it drag on instead if voicing opinion when I first noticed something going on.
- Be more sure of what I want. This has always been a struggle. I'm never sure what I want in a partner. I mean, I know things I'd enjoy in someone but as soon as someone shows interest in me I drop everything and gravitate towards them. Liking someone solely on the basis that they like you isn't enough. I tend to wrestle with if I should give someone a chance if I don't feel it right away. I think that's ok but letting it drag for 9 months, a year, etc. and still feel the same uncertainty is clearly not healthy.
- Music. One thing I loved about Katie was we were into a lot of the same music but not everything which was great. I got to discover a lot of awesome music through her. My first girlfriend was really into top 40 pop which drove me nuts. I'm into indie rock and most things rock based which Katie was also into. It was perfect having someone who enjoyed the same style of music but introduced me to new stuff. And I LOVED sending her new music as well.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
What I Regret
Part of my struggle to get over Katie isn't just that I think I still have feelings for her. Part of it is trying not to beat myself up for things I did (usually unintentional) that I feel affected the relationship. So to get them off my chest once and for all, I'm just going to admit the things I did and stop worrying about them. Here they are in no particular order:
- Not paying attention. This was a big one. Being busy, tired and sick all the time there were plenty of times I didn't give Katie my 100% attention.
- Complaining about bring sick or tired. This ties in with the last one. Sure it's ok to voice if you're tired or not happy to be sick but that was me ALL the time. I'd meet up with her and that would usually be the first thing out of my mouth. It really annoyed her after a while.
- The time I voted for another team and told her. I went to see her in a competition show. We watch groups perform and then vote for our favorite. Instead of voting for her team I voted for another I thought really deserved it. I KNOW NOW this was stupid and one should support their significant other but at the time I honestly thought she would have done the same thing. I personally don't like pity votes. Regardless I made things much worse by telling her. Boy was she not happy.
- Bringing work over to her apartment when I was invited to hang with with her friends. I had so much going on in one point it was either not see her another day (after many days not seeing her) or bring my laptop to send someone something that was due (freelance job). So I chose the latter. It was rude, I know but I really thought at the time I was making things work.
The time I was on my phone instead of talking to Katie. We hadn't seen each other for several days (yes again!) and the only time she had was when selling tickets at a show. Once the show started we just had to watch the door. I was desperately looking for an apartment at the time so I was multi tasking. She got upset I wasn't giving her my full attention. I still feel bad about that to this day.
Wow I feel better and crappy at the same time now. Crappy to recount shitty times but better knowing it wasn't all my fault and I can also learn from my mistakes.
- Not paying attention. This was a big one. Being busy, tired and sick all the time there were plenty of times I didn't give Katie my 100% attention.
- Complaining about bring sick or tired. This ties in with the last one. Sure it's ok to voice if you're tired or not happy to be sick but that was me ALL the time. I'd meet up with her and that would usually be the first thing out of my mouth. It really annoyed her after a while.
- The time I voted for another team and told her. I went to see her in a competition show. We watch groups perform and then vote for our favorite. Instead of voting for her team I voted for another I thought really deserved it. I KNOW NOW this was stupid and one should support their significant other but at the time I honestly thought she would have done the same thing. I personally don't like pity votes. Regardless I made things much worse by telling her. Boy was she not happy.
- Bringing work over to her apartment when I was invited to hang with with her friends. I had so much going on in one point it was either not see her another day (after many days not seeing her) or bring my laptop to send someone something that was due (freelance job). So I chose the latter. It was rude, I know but I really thought at the time I was making things work.
The time I was on my phone instead of talking to Katie. We hadn't seen each other for several days (yes again!) and the only time she had was when selling tickets at a show. Once the show started we just had to watch the door. I was desperately looking for an apartment at the time so I was multi tasking. She got upset I wasn't giving her my full attention. I still feel bad about that to this day.
Wow I feel better and crappy at the same time now. Crappy to recount shitty times but better knowing it wasn't all my fault and I can also learn from my mistakes.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Remember The Last Time Together
I spoke to several friends about the break up and all the things bothering me. One told me probably the best, most straight forward thing to help move on:
Remember the last time together.
What sound advice! We tend to remember all the good stuff and then yearn for it back. But remember all the crap? Nope, I don't want to! Well you have to, or you're living in a dream land.
As I was writing this blog over the past couple of weeks, as I recounted all the good stuff, I really couldn't stop thinking of Katie. Almost to the point where I would have made a bad decision and write to her about how I feel and try to explain things, with hopes of trying again.
I'm not dating I shouldn't have. It would have been healthy to have talked things through with her months ago. But 5 months later... What's the point? I missed that boat, it's too late for that.
But then when I got to all the crappy stuff, I remembered. I remembered how shitty I felt. How there was this side to Katie I never knew existed. Why would I want to be around that again?
So every now and then when I feel lonely or yearn for Katie, I just tell myself to remember the night of the breakup and it's been really helping me move on.
Remember the last time together.
What sound advice! We tend to remember all the good stuff and then yearn for it back. But remember all the crap? Nope, I don't want to! Well you have to, or you're living in a dream land.
As I was writing this blog over the past couple of weeks, as I recounted all the good stuff, I really couldn't stop thinking of Katie. Almost to the point where I would have made a bad decision and write to her about how I feel and try to explain things, with hopes of trying again.
I'm not dating I shouldn't have. It would have been healthy to have talked things through with her months ago. But 5 months later... What's the point? I missed that boat, it's too late for that.
But then when I got to all the crappy stuff, I remembered. I remembered how shitty I felt. How there was this side to Katie I never knew existed. Why would I want to be around that again?
So every now and then when I feel lonely or yearn for Katie, I just tell myself to remember the night of the breakup and it's been really helping me move on.
Friday, November 28, 2014
The Different Stages Of Recovery
As mentioned in the previous post I've been finding it hard not to think about Katie and the breakup and all kinds of things related to the whole situation since she returned back to My City.
I just don't understand the phases feelings I've been going through.
After a couple of very quick awkward interactions at the theater either after or before a show, I knew that she would be at a big party that was coming up, so I wrote to her. I just said it was good to see her again and that I valued our time together and I didn't want things to be weird between us and that I hope we could catch up at the party.
I sent her this message because I know that between then and when she moves away in January forever, it would be unavoidable to see her. We are both part of the same art community and have tons of mutual friends.
I also wanted to break the ice and see how she would respond. She did reply saying she appreciated the note and would like to catch up as well.
At the party we did chat a little but then she got distracted and had to attend to something.
With seeing her again and talking a little I've just been having a hard time getting over her.
I'd start to interpret what it all means. For example, first she wrote on my Facebook wall. But THEN she sent me a private message to show me something.
At a second party we talked a lot more. She even touched my arm!
She even invited me to get Halloween party. The night last year we had sex for the first time!
Surely it means something!
I have to keep telling myself it means nothing.
When we dated, I wrestled back and forth if I was truly attracted to her (I know, yet another good sign). She had gained a lot of weight from when we started dating. Being a very skinny guy who can't gain any weight, it started to become a big turn off.
Now all of sudden that feeling completely went away and I find myself attracted to her again all of a sudden.
I keep getting the feelings to show her how I've improved so much since we broke up. I hate to admit but part of me wanted to get back together.
None if this behavior makes sense! We dated. It wasn't working out. I wasn't so into it at the end. She treated me like garbage near the very end and we broke up. End of story!
So why do I secretly want to get back together with her?
It must be loneliness. I'm grabbing at the last thing that made me feel good (for a while anyways).
I just don't understand the phases feelings I've been going through.
After a couple of very quick awkward interactions at the theater either after or before a show, I knew that she would be at a big party that was coming up, so I wrote to her. I just said it was good to see her again and that I valued our time together and I didn't want things to be weird between us and that I hope we could catch up at the party.
I sent her this message because I know that between then and when she moves away in January forever, it would be unavoidable to see her. We are both part of the same art community and have tons of mutual friends.
I also wanted to break the ice and see how she would respond. She did reply saying she appreciated the note and would like to catch up as well.
At the party we did chat a little but then she got distracted and had to attend to something.
With seeing her again and talking a little I've just been having a hard time getting over her.
I'd start to interpret what it all means. For example, first she wrote on my Facebook wall. But THEN she sent me a private message to show me something.
At a second party we talked a lot more. She even touched my arm!
She even invited me to get Halloween party. The night last year we had sex for the first time!
Surely it means something!
I have to keep telling myself it means nothing.
When we dated, I wrestled back and forth if I was truly attracted to her (I know, yet another good sign). She had gained a lot of weight from when we started dating. Being a very skinny guy who can't gain any weight, it started to become a big turn off.
Now all of sudden that feeling completely went away and I find myself attracted to her again all of a sudden.
I keep getting the feelings to show her how I've improved so much since we broke up. I hate to admit but part of me wanted to get back together.
None if this behavior makes sense! We dated. It wasn't working out. I wasn't so into it at the end. She treated me like garbage near the very end and we broke up. End of story!
So why do I secretly want to get back together with her?
It must be loneliness. I'm grabbing at the last thing that made me feel good (for a while anyways).
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Post Break Up
This one has been so weird. The week of the break up I felt pretty good about myself. I knew things weren't working and from day one her plan was always to move away from My City when she finished school, so now I had once less thing to worry about.
I avoided the theater for a bit and one month after the break up I went to a show, caught a glance of her and felt a pang in my chest. After the show I just bolted out of the theater instead of hanging around to avoid bumping into her.
I got lucky because I knew from before we broke up that she was spending a month and a half in the US for a school thing so I was able to spend the entire summer going to the theater and hanging out with all my friends without bumping into her. I barely thought about her or the break up.
Then in late August, I calculated she would be back. I went to the theater to see a show and LITERALLY bumped into her as I was turning the corner. She was in a hurry to leave and we barely said more than a hello.
From that day EVERYTHING flooded back into my brain and until the writing of this post I have been obsessing about her and the breakup and being alone.
I avoided the theater for a bit and one month after the break up I went to a show, caught a glance of her and felt a pang in my chest. After the show I just bolted out of the theater instead of hanging around to avoid bumping into her.
I got lucky because I knew from before we broke up that she was spending a month and a half in the US for a school thing so I was able to spend the entire summer going to the theater and hanging out with all my friends without bumping into her. I barely thought about her or the break up.
Then in late August, I calculated she would be back. I went to the theater to see a show and LITERALLY bumped into her as I was turning the corner. She was in a hurry to leave and we barely said more than a hello.
From that day EVERYTHING flooded back into my brain and until the writing of this post I have been obsessing about her and the breakup and being alone.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
This Is The End My Friend
It was close to 9 months with Katie. It was the last week of May. By this time my mind was wavering. I have to admit I was starting to question how attracted I was to Katie. I started to admire other women on the bus, the street, etc.
The funny thing is at the time I never put two and two together that this was a direct result of how I was subconsciously feeling about the attitude Katie was giving me. Instead I just felt ashamed I wasn't feeling it for her as much and kept saying to myself "give it just a bit more time".
Holy crap! Why didn't i do something about this??
Well I turned out I didn't have to do anything.
I had a show the upcoming Friday. We were supposed to meet up for dinner on Wednesday (it had been a couple of weeks that we spent alone tlme) but Katie had to cancel last minute. Instead we agreed to go for dinner the night of my show and that she'd crash over after at my apartment.
Actually as a side rant, around this time she kept canceling on a lot of stuff. Or answers I would get was "we'll see", never an excited "yes! Can't wait to see you!".
Back to Friday night. I'm at the restaurant waiting for her. She arrives and is the most terrible mood. I ask her what's wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it. I tried prying if it was about her best friend (they would get into tiffs) but she wouldn't talk about it.
After opening up a bit and pretending like noting was wrong we had a decent conversation and dinner.
We headed to my show where I performed really well.
After the show was a tiny party at the theater. I suggested to Katie we should stay nn and she said I could but she would go home.
Just then the wheels in my head started turning. The past 2-3 weeks was nothing but pain trying up meet up with Katie. She shows up tonight in a sour mood. We were supposed to spend the night together yet now she's so quick to get away!? I knew right there and then she was going to break up with me.
So I tell her no it's ok we can just go back to my place. Just as we left the theater, a bus was coming. I ask if she wants to grab it and she said no. I knew for sure she wasn't planning on coming over now.
We walk 5 steps and she turns and says "I don't think this is working".
As soon as I heard the words I WAS SO ANGRY INSIDE. Now I'm not someone to get angry over stuff. I don't tell and I'm definitely not a violent person. I was angry though.
I was angry at Katie for not just telling me sooner. I REALLY lost respect for her for being so deceptive. Yes she wasn't pretending like everything was great and then suddenly dumped me. However, I still didn't like that she went along with the whole evening when it was SUPER CLEAR she didn't want to be around me.
I was also mad at myself for not doing something about it sooner. I could have ended things myself. I could have called her out on all the times she made me feel like crap. Do you think it's fun being around someone and seeing them be miserable around you and knowing you're the cause of their misery? It's a horrible feeling.
Even then when the cat was out of the bag, I didn't do anything. I could have said so much and we could have talked about stuff but I didn't see the point.
It was clear to me that she had made her decision at least a couple of weeks prior and nothing I would say would change her mind so I just kept quiet.
I did call her out on how there was no point talking about it since she already made her mind and she told me that wasn't fair to say. So, I knew it wasn't worth going into details with her. What was done was done.
Not to say I didn't say anything. In the past when someone's broken up with me (and it's usually them doingit, not me) I get emotionally balled up and get really quiet. I know I didn't do that this time. I did talk a bit about my point of view but alas it wasn't enough to get any real closure.
We walked until her street and she asked if I still wanted to walk some more and talk but I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. So I replied no, we had an awkward hug and I walked back to the party.
The funny thing is at the time I never put two and two together that this was a direct result of how I was subconsciously feeling about the attitude Katie was giving me. Instead I just felt ashamed I wasn't feeling it for her as much and kept saying to myself "give it just a bit more time".
Holy crap! Why didn't i do something about this??
Well I turned out I didn't have to do anything.
I had a show the upcoming Friday. We were supposed to meet up for dinner on Wednesday (it had been a couple of weeks that we spent alone tlme) but Katie had to cancel last minute. Instead we agreed to go for dinner the night of my show and that she'd crash over after at my apartment.
Actually as a side rant, around this time she kept canceling on a lot of stuff. Or answers I would get was "we'll see", never an excited "yes! Can't wait to see you!".
Back to Friday night. I'm at the restaurant waiting for her. She arrives and is the most terrible mood. I ask her what's wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it. I tried prying if it was about her best friend (they would get into tiffs) but she wouldn't talk about it.
After opening up a bit and pretending like noting was wrong we had a decent conversation and dinner.
We headed to my show where I performed really well.
After the show was a tiny party at the theater. I suggested to Katie we should stay nn and she said I could but she would go home.
Just then the wheels in my head started turning. The past 2-3 weeks was nothing but pain trying up meet up with Katie. She shows up tonight in a sour mood. We were supposed to spend the night together yet now she's so quick to get away!? I knew right there and then she was going to break up with me.
So I tell her no it's ok we can just go back to my place. Just as we left the theater, a bus was coming. I ask if she wants to grab it and she said no. I knew for sure she wasn't planning on coming over now.
We walk 5 steps and she turns and says "I don't think this is working".
As soon as I heard the words I WAS SO ANGRY INSIDE. Now I'm not someone to get angry over stuff. I don't tell and I'm definitely not a violent person. I was angry though.
I was angry at Katie for not just telling me sooner. I REALLY lost respect for her for being so deceptive. Yes she wasn't pretending like everything was great and then suddenly dumped me. However, I still didn't like that she went along with the whole evening when it was SUPER CLEAR she didn't want to be around me.
I was also mad at myself for not doing something about it sooner. I could have ended things myself. I could have called her out on all the times she made me feel like crap. Do you think it's fun being around someone and seeing them be miserable around you and knowing you're the cause of their misery? It's a horrible feeling.
Even then when the cat was out of the bag, I didn't do anything. I could have said so much and we could have talked about stuff but I didn't see the point.
It was clear to me that she had made her decision at least a couple of weeks prior and nothing I would say would change her mind so I just kept quiet.
I did call her out on how there was no point talking about it since she already made her mind and she told me that wasn't fair to say. So, I knew it wasn't worth going into details with her. What was done was done.
Not to say I didn't say anything. In the past when someone's broken up with me (and it's usually them doingit, not me) I get emotionally balled up and get really quiet. I know I didn't do that this time. I did talk a bit about my point of view but alas it wasn't enough to get any real closure.
We walked until her street and she asked if I still wanted to walk some more and talk but I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. So I replied no, we had an awkward hug and I walked back to the party.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
All Gone To Shit
The more I think about it, I just can't pinpoint when things shifted back to crap but it felt like almost immediately after that one nice day we had, Katie just started being cold me again. Plus we got busy again.
It was tough. I really had made an effort to cut projects to spend more time with Katie but then our schedules wouldn't match up. She got busy with her phd and I still had projects I couldn't abandon. Ones I had started before we has our big talk, that were to close to completion to stop now.
I kept telling myself everything would be better once I was done the last of my stuff. Then I would have all the time in the world to focus on Katie.
Meanwhile it was like pulling teeth to actually see her. We kept canceling on each other because it was just too rush or tight to see each other.
One night I tried to see her and ask her if she wanted to see a show together. It would have been the first time in a few days we would have hung out. She said she was going but with her best friend and that night was hang out time with her best friend. She said I could sit with them but not expect to hang out after.
After the show, I went with a bunch of people to a bar to watch a hockey game and her and her friend showed up: I ended up sitting behind her and it was the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I really didn't feel welcomed by her at all.
Looking back, I knew things were bad but I never did anything about it. I should have called her out on stuff but instead kept saying once June arrives (and we're both less busy) things would get better. It was only 2 weeks away. Things had to get better!
They never did.
It was tough. I really had made an effort to cut projects to spend more time with Katie but then our schedules wouldn't match up. She got busy with her phd and I still had projects I couldn't abandon. Ones I had started before we has our big talk, that were to close to completion to stop now.
I kept telling myself everything would be better once I was done the last of my stuff. Then I would have all the time in the world to focus on Katie.
Meanwhile it was like pulling teeth to actually see her. We kept canceling on each other because it was just too rush or tight to see each other.
One night I tried to see her and ask her if she wanted to see a show together. It would have been the first time in a few days we would have hung out. She said she was going but with her best friend and that night was hang out time with her best friend. She said I could sit with them but not expect to hang out after.
After the show, I went with a bunch of people to a bar to watch a hockey game and her and her friend showed up: I ended up sitting behind her and it was the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I really didn't feel welcomed by her at all.
Looking back, I knew things were bad but I never did anything about it. I should have called her out on stuff but instead kept saying once June arrives (and we're both less busy) things would get better. It was only 2 weeks away. Things had to get better!
They never did.
Monday, November 24, 2014
A New Beginning
I can't remember how many days passed from out phone call and the next time we spent the entire day together but we had one day where everything was perfect again.
We hung out the whole day doing stuff and Katie wasn't gloomy or cold, but actually smiling and happy. I even remember her telling me later on in the evening how much she enjoyed herself being with me.
Looked like things were looking up.
Little did I know I was terribly wrong.
We hung out the whole day doing stuff and Katie wasn't gloomy or cold, but actually smiling and happy. I even remember her telling me later on in the evening how much she enjoyed herself being with me.
Looked like things were looking up.
Little did I know I was terribly wrong.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
A Heart To Heart
So fine, she was ignoring me and not taking to me about it so I avoided her the day of her birthday. I don't even know if I wished her happy birthday. I definitely didn't call her.
Late that night, just before I was heading to bed for work, she texts me and says she's upset she spent her birthday alone.
I immediately texted her back saying we have a communication problem and then phoned her.
We finally spoke about things.
It turned out THE ENTIRE TIME Katie was anxious for her birthday and couldn't wait to see what surprise her best friend had planned. Her best friend had never told her that there wasn't actually anything planned for her on her actual birthday. That that was just a set up for the surprise party.
So while Katie was all anxious to spend the day with her best friend, her friend was out with her boyfriend all day. And I wasn't around either.
I called her out about her ignoring me. You know what, even though we talked about things, I still don't know exactly why she was giving me the cold shoulder. I know she was having doubts about us but we never really discussed it.
What I did talk to her about was how I didn't appreciate being ignored. How obviously things weren't working because we were both too busy to see each other. That it shouldn't be "where can I fit seeing you in my busy schedule" and more prioritizing us first.
Katie brought up at least twice in the 8 months we dated up to that point that she felt I wasn't emotionally invested into the relationship as much as I should have. I never 100% agreed with her but definitely was aware and made efforts to improve.
Again it's not that I didn't want to be, but our schedules were so busy it was really hard to keep a strong connection, and not just for me. For her too.
Now I would regret my choice of words later on but to drive home the point that how could we have a connection of we barely see each other, and when we do we're both distracted with things, I told her I didn't love her.
Before you scream at your computer screen and shout "how could you say that?!", let me explain.
I've only had two long term relationships before Katie and up until now have never experienced love. I just don't know what it is. I haven't found it yet.
Now as much as I liked having Katie in my life, I knew I didn't love her, yet. But I honestly wanted to. I just felt that maybe the reason was because we didn't have a super strong connection. And the reason for that was because we didn't spend enough time together actually connecting.
Watching tv together was not connecting. I mean really talk and get to know each other. I blame myself for always being tired, sick and distracted.
So I was trying to tell Katie how could she expect me to fall in love with her if we never saw each other?
We talked for a while longer and then ended on good terms and agreed we'd both make time for each other.
Late that night, just before I was heading to bed for work, she texts me and says she's upset she spent her birthday alone.
I immediately texted her back saying we have a communication problem and then phoned her.
We finally spoke about things.
It turned out THE ENTIRE TIME Katie was anxious for her birthday and couldn't wait to see what surprise her best friend had planned. Her best friend had never told her that there wasn't actually anything planned for her on her actual birthday. That that was just a set up for the surprise party.
So while Katie was all anxious to spend the day with her best friend, her friend was out with her boyfriend all day. And I wasn't around either.
I called her out about her ignoring me. You know what, even though we talked about things, I still don't know exactly why she was giving me the cold shoulder. I know she was having doubts about us but we never really discussed it.
What I did talk to her about was how I didn't appreciate being ignored. How obviously things weren't working because we were both too busy to see each other. That it shouldn't be "where can I fit seeing you in my busy schedule" and more prioritizing us first.
Katie brought up at least twice in the 8 months we dated up to that point that she felt I wasn't emotionally invested into the relationship as much as I should have. I never 100% agreed with her but definitely was aware and made efforts to improve.
Again it's not that I didn't want to be, but our schedules were so busy it was really hard to keep a strong connection, and not just for me. For her too.
Now I would regret my choice of words later on but to drive home the point that how could we have a connection of we barely see each other, and when we do we're both distracted with things, I told her I didn't love her.
Before you scream at your computer screen and shout "how could you say that?!", let me explain.
I've only had two long term relationships before Katie and up until now have never experienced love. I just don't know what it is. I haven't found it yet.
Now as much as I liked having Katie in my life, I knew I didn't love her, yet. But I honestly wanted to. I just felt that maybe the reason was because we didn't have a super strong connection. And the reason for that was because we didn't spend enough time together actually connecting.
Watching tv together was not connecting. I mean really talk and get to know each other. I blame myself for always being tired, sick and distracted.
So I was trying to tell Katie how could she expect me to fall in love with her if we never saw each other?
We talked for a while longer and then ended on good terms and agreed we'd both make time for each other.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Crappy Birthday to You
From early on, Katie always told me stories of how almost every year her friends throw her a surprise party. To point where she expects it now, but still loves how it one-ups the previous year.
I had already set things in motion before we went away. The plan was to hold a surprise party at the theater.
Her friends helped me by telling her that "something" was happening her birthday weekend and to keep it free.
Her best friend told her to keep the actual day of her birthday free to throw Katie off the fact we were surprising her the night before.
Now I was deliberately not bringing up doing anything for her birthday to throw her off. However, I kept feeling I was doing too good a job.
Maybe, as her boyfriend, she expected me to approach her with ideas of how I wanted to spend her birthday with her. Like arrange to go out for dinner or something but, but surprise, we never talked about it.
Maybe I'm wrong on this train of thinking but it was HER birthday and not ONCE did she approach me to tell me how she wanted to spend it with me. She was only anxious for what her best friend and other friends had planned. We were dating 8 months by then, you'd think it was given we should have some sort of plans? I was also pretty pissed to not be included in with her actual birthday plans. Never told "on my birthday my friend is surprising me, come meet us after", etc.
The worst of it for her was there WAS NO actual birthday plans, it was all a set up for the night before.
So as you can tell, things were strained with Katie. I was only getting cold reactions from her and was was too busy organizing the surprise party to do anything about it. Instead of talking about it I was worried of ruining her birthday so I kept saying to myself things will work out once the party happens.
The day of the party I got a bunch of friends to come early to help me set up. The plan was Katie thought she had a rehearsal that night with her best friend and another friend. She would arrive at night and we'd all jump out from behind things.
All day everyone was telling me how such a great boyfriend I was for doing this for her. Meanwhile I felt a a big ball in my stomach from how much I was sure that wasn't the case in Katie's mind from all the signals I was getting from her.
Finally the moment of her surprise had arrived. She opened the door, we all yelled SURPRISE... And her reaction was "oh... Hey guys". Not the happy thrilled reaction you'd expect.
She ignored me almost through the entire party. All day I was debating canceling the whole thing and now I was tempted to just walk out, but didn't want to cause a scene.
Once things died down she was talking to some friends to have them over to her place and I practically had to invite myself.
After a couple of hours of board games, when her friends called it a night she didn't ask me to stay or anything, she wanted me out, I could tell. We barely spoke and I left.
I had already set things in motion before we went away. The plan was to hold a surprise party at the theater.
Her friends helped me by telling her that "something" was happening her birthday weekend and to keep it free.
Her best friend told her to keep the actual day of her birthday free to throw Katie off the fact we were surprising her the night before.
Now I was deliberately not bringing up doing anything for her birthday to throw her off. However, I kept feeling I was doing too good a job.
Maybe, as her boyfriend, she expected me to approach her with ideas of how I wanted to spend her birthday with her. Like arrange to go out for dinner or something but, but surprise, we never talked about it.
Maybe I'm wrong on this train of thinking but it was HER birthday and not ONCE did she approach me to tell me how she wanted to spend it with me. She was only anxious for what her best friend and other friends had planned. We were dating 8 months by then, you'd think it was given we should have some sort of plans? I was also pretty pissed to not be included in with her actual birthday plans. Never told "on my birthday my friend is surprising me, come meet us after", etc.
The worst of it for her was there WAS NO actual birthday plans, it was all a set up for the night before.
So as you can tell, things were strained with Katie. I was only getting cold reactions from her and was was too busy organizing the surprise party to do anything about it. Instead of talking about it I was worried of ruining her birthday so I kept saying to myself things will work out once the party happens.
The day of the party I got a bunch of friends to come early to help me set up. The plan was Katie thought she had a rehearsal that night with her best friend and another friend. She would arrive at night and we'd all jump out from behind things.
All day everyone was telling me how such a great boyfriend I was for doing this for her. Meanwhile I felt a a big ball in my stomach from how much I was sure that wasn't the case in Katie's mind from all the signals I was getting from her.
Finally the moment of her surprise had arrived. She opened the door, we all yelled SURPRISE... And her reaction was "oh... Hey guys". Not the happy thrilled reaction you'd expect.
She ignored me almost through the entire party. All day I was debating canceling the whole thing and now I was tempted to just walk out, but didn't want to cause a scene.
Once things died down she was talking to some friends to have them over to her place and I practically had to invite myself.
After a couple of hours of board games, when her friends called it a night she didn't ask me to stay or anything, she wanted me out, I could tell. We barely spoke and I left.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Reflection
I think the biggest problem with the trip wasn't that I got sick. It was there was so much pressure for it to go amazing.
I think things had reached a plateau with Katie and I and this trip was supposed to "fix" everything. Even the first day I didn't feel 100% connected with Katie which was an issue of mine the entire time we dated.
She brought it up more than once that she didn't feel I was giving my all to the relationship. I never believed her because I was constantly trying to see her.
Looking back, though, because I had so much going on and was tired/sick all the time, even when we were together, I wasn't always 100% there. I was easily distracted.
With the trip behind us I was hoping things would bounce back.
They got worse.
I think things had reached a plateau with Katie and I and this trip was supposed to "fix" everything. Even the first day I didn't feel 100% connected with Katie which was an issue of mine the entire time we dated.
She brought it up more than once that she didn't feel I was giving my all to the relationship. I never believed her because I was constantly trying to see her.
Looking back, though, because I had so much going on and was tired/sick all the time, even when we were together, I wasn't always 100% there. I was easily distracted.
With the trip behind us I was hoping things would bounce back.
They got worse.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Everything Went Wrong
Okay, don't let the title confuse you, it wasn't a trip from hell or anything but it didn't quite turn out the way I planned.
We went on a road trip for 4 days, 3 nights.
First day/night was great. Spent the day at the water park followed by dinner, playing in an arcade like kids and wine and sexy time back in the gorgeous cottage we rented for the night.
The second day started well. We checked out and drove 2 hours to the next town. It was raining so we went out for dinner and headed back to our motel for a movie.
We were both exhausted and went to bed.
4am I woke and puked in the bathroom. I HAD FOOD POISONING.
I kept going back to bed and back to the bathroom. It was terrible. I had never had it before.
I didn't want to wake up Katie so I kept all my thoughts to "do not puke, do not wake Katie". However, as I would find out the next morning, she was awake and concerned. She tried comforting me but I didn't know because I had ear plugs in my ears. I remember feeling her hand in my shoulder as I turned away from her to try and sleep (not on purpose) and she just did the same.
This must have pissed her off. It just added a whole other layer to our miscommunication problem, even if it wasn't deliberate.
Getting sick RUINED the trip. It was supposed to be a fun bonding experience. Instead it became a situation I wanted to never remember again.
We continued on with our trip but it was strained. I looked like death and even though I made sure not to complain I can see I was not fun to be around.
We got through the last 2 days and headed back home. Bonding and getting to know each other better, we did not.
By no means was getting sick my fault but things were never the same after that trip.
We went on a road trip for 4 days, 3 nights.
First day/night was great. Spent the day at the water park followed by dinner, playing in an arcade like kids and wine and sexy time back in the gorgeous cottage we rented for the night.
The second day started well. We checked out and drove 2 hours to the next town. It was raining so we went out for dinner and headed back to our motel for a movie.
We were both exhausted and went to bed.
4am I woke and puked in the bathroom. I HAD FOOD POISONING.
I kept going back to bed and back to the bathroom. It was terrible. I had never had it before.
I didn't want to wake up Katie so I kept all my thoughts to "do not puke, do not wake Katie". However, as I would find out the next morning, she was awake and concerned. She tried comforting me but I didn't know because I had ear plugs in my ears. I remember feeling her hand in my shoulder as I turned away from her to try and sleep (not on purpose) and she just did the same.
This must have pissed her off. It just added a whole other layer to our miscommunication problem, even if it wasn't deliberate.
Getting sick RUINED the trip. It was supposed to be a fun bonding experience. Instead it became a situation I wanted to never remember again.
We continued on with our trip but it was strained. I looked like death and even though I made sure not to complain I can see I was not fun to be around.
We got through the last 2 days and headed back home. Bonding and getting to know each other better, we did not.
By no means was getting sick my fault but things were never the same after that trip.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Planning Ahead
I can't remember when but at one point we talked
about going away to the united states for a long weekend road trip. The
perfect getaway form everything and just spend time together, the two of
us.
We planned on going away end of April. Originally we picked a city 9 hours away by car but the planning of it just dragged on forever because we were both busy. It then got complicated finding a place to stay and finding a way to get there. Katie doesn't drive and I didn't want to do the whole 9 hours myself.
Eventually I convinced her we go to a different city a lot closer, only 3 hours away.
Since we weren't making headway in planning I went full gear and just booked our accommodations, rented the car and booked all our fun activities. It was just easier to do it all myself since it was tough to find time to sit with her and pick stuff together - again too busy to see each other.
Then a couple of weeks before the trip, she casually voices how she wanted to move our trip so she could not miss a show she had the chance to be in. It wasn't the biggest deal. We could just move it. She eta to do her thing and we go away and everyone is happy.
The big problem was my work is weird and I had give notice WAY in advance. It became such a huge deal to move it.
At the time I just couldn't understand why Katie was making such a big deal about this show and it bothered me. She could always be in the next one (they happened often). Maybe it's because I put a lot of effort into organizing it and her wanted to prioritize something instead made me feel she didn't care that much about going.
Again our communication was crap but it was my fault this time. I wanted to confront the about my feeling about the whole thing but instead of talking to her, I sent upset text messages. I KNOW, no more text messages in future relationships.
She did vocally tell me if there's a big issue like that bothering me to just talk to her. Advice as wouldn't follow herself later on.
In any case we sorted things out. She got to perform in her show. The rental booking went without a hitch and we were off to spend four romantically filled days together. What could go wrong?
We planned on going away end of April. Originally we picked a city 9 hours away by car but the planning of it just dragged on forever because we were both busy. It then got complicated finding a place to stay and finding a way to get there. Katie doesn't drive and I didn't want to do the whole 9 hours myself.
Eventually I convinced her we go to a different city a lot closer, only 3 hours away.
Since we weren't making headway in planning I went full gear and just booked our accommodations, rented the car and booked all our fun activities. It was just easier to do it all myself since it was tough to find time to sit with her and pick stuff together - again too busy to see each other.
Then a couple of weeks before the trip, she casually voices how she wanted to move our trip so she could not miss a show she had the chance to be in. It wasn't the biggest deal. We could just move it. She eta to do her thing and we go away and everyone is happy.
The big problem was my work is weird and I had give notice WAY in advance. It became such a huge deal to move it.
At the time I just couldn't understand why Katie was making such a big deal about this show and it bothered me. She could always be in the next one (they happened often). Maybe it's because I put a lot of effort into organizing it and her wanted to prioritize something instead made me feel she didn't care that much about going.
Again our communication was crap but it was my fault this time. I wanted to confront the about my feeling about the whole thing but instead of talking to her, I sent upset text messages. I KNOW, no more text messages in future relationships.
She did vocally tell me if there's a big issue like that bothering me to just talk to her. Advice as wouldn't follow herself later on.
In any case we sorted things out. She got to perform in her show. The rental booking went without a hitch and we were off to spend four romantically filled days together. What could go wrong?
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Sick, Sick, Sick
I was doing too much. Working full time, performing in too many shows, rehearsals and extra freelance projects. It didn't leave much time for Katie.
Due to my busy schedule I was constantly tired or sick. Most the time we hung out I'd be complaining about one or the other. I was sick during our first romantic dinner, over Christmas, during valentines day, the time she met my parents for the first time, and other times off and on throughout the relationship.
It bothered me and I can see it bothered her. A LOT. And I don't blame her. The rare time we had to spend together I'd be too tired to be fun around. I'd be distracted easily and find it hard to pay attention to her. I would become quiet, or constantly complain about being sick.
If she was tired or sick around me all the time I know I'd feel disappointed as well.
This is something I KNOW that added strain to the relationship. And to my Heath too.
Due to my busy schedule I was constantly tired or sick. Most the time we hung out I'd be complaining about one or the other. I was sick during our first romantic dinner, over Christmas, during valentines day, the time she met my parents for the first time, and other times off and on throughout the relationship.
It bothered me and I can see it bothered her. A LOT. And I don't blame her. The rare time we had to spend together I'd be too tired to be fun around. I'd be distracted easily and find it hard to pay attention to her. I would become quiet, or constantly complain about being sick.
If she was tired or sick around me all the time I know I'd feel disappointed as well.
This is something I KNOW that added strain to the relationship. And to my Heath too.
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