Summer Time Rocks

I've been realy tired and worn out from the 2 weddings I attended recently and I feel like it's been catching up with me.

I was feeling a bit down seeing other people get married. From missing being with someone and not wishing to get married. Hell no! I ain't ready for that yet. Also there is a bit of pressure on me since I'm the last of the cousins (we'e 14) to get married. Thankfully, Ira's divorce kind of put him at the top of the list again, so I may be out of the clear for a little bit longer, haha.

Anyways, I was pretty hot this evening and decided to go take a bike ride to the bookstore to research soem ideas for work. The drive was fantastic!

I live on an area that is a nit higher up then the city center, so when I need to go into the heart of downtown, I just coast downwards and it feels great. Especially tonight with the nice cool summer breeze pushing in my face.

I chilled at the bookstore for a bit. After the book store, I decided to get myself a milkshake and just chilled some more. I guess the point of this story is as much a sometime I yearn to be sith someone, sometimes being alone feels so good. Living over seas really let me appreciate going for long walks on my own. I would just hit the streets and explore and enjoy some "Elwood" time.

When I used to hang out with Psycho Girl back in the day, she owuld always take me on walks and all I wanted to do was make out with her (which I never did since I was so shy), but now i"m so glad I've come to appreciate walking and biking alone.

So for all you people who sometimes feel really lonely, enjoy the summer and go for a walk or a bike ride and enjoy some time to yourself! You'll come to realize there are plus things to being single!

Speaking of which, I'm actually going on another date tomorrow night. This makes Date #5 of 10 dates. Keep a look out for a post about it soon.

Elwood's Dating Stories 4 - University: Psycho Girl Part 3

To conclude my story about Psycho girl. This is chock full of stupid drama.

So we spent months hanging out as friends but things just got really weird.

On one occasion I ended up at a movie with Psycho Girl and Creepy Guy. Creepy Guy was part of a club I hung out with at University and we were all having lunch. Psycho Girl had come out that day on my behalf. After lunch I invited everyone to go see Big Fish. Everyone bailed except Psycho Girl and Creepy Guy.

I"m not sure if Pyscho Girl was doing it to get rid of Creepy Guy, but by the end of the night she was giving me a lot of attention.

I was tempted to kiss her but had too many thoughts running in my head (does she want me to? She's just a friend! She hurt me already... etc.).

Another time we went skating with a bunch of my friends. I was hoping to hang out with her after the skating part and she wanted to as well. Then, al of a sudden she tells my friends goodbye and leaves!

I was pretty disappointed and left the other way to go home. Fifteen minutes later I get a call from her asking why I didn't follow her.

Very strange.

She went away on vacation for a week to Europe with her roomate and upon returning she said she missed me.

Later in the year, she missed me just being away for Valentines Day weekend.

It started to drive me crazy.

Finally one night I couldn't help it and told her I wanted to kiss her again.

Then I juped the gun and wanted to go home with her. Most people would thing I wanted sex. I absolutely was NOT thinking about sex. I just really want hold her and cuddle with someone in my sleep (I had not yet done this with anyone).

She wasn't too keen for me coming over, saying her roommate would not be happy.

The next time I saw her she was disappointed to find out that after i had left to go home that night, she found out her roommate never came home.

So at this point i had thought we were kind of dating again. The only problem was I was to shy to do anything.

We went on dates but I never kissed her.

One time we were alone in her apartment and the topic of sex came up (just general conversation, not about us having sex) and I was joking around a lot.

At one point i said "Well we better go" referring to our evening of playing pool, but as a joke, I pointed to her bedroom.

Then I got up with the intention of really going to play pool and she gave me this confused look and said "oh... ok then..." and when I asked what was wrong she said "It's nothing... must be my hormones..."

You don't know how many friends yelled at me after I told them that story. They all think she wanted sex badly.

I don't know what it is with me and sex (still a virgin, even after having dated someone for 10 months) but that's for another post on another day.

Things really got fucked up when we had planned to spend an all nighter having fun outside in the city. I was excited and thought I'd end up at her place at the end of the night.

Before the nigt even began she started to tell me how tired she was and was probably going to call it an early night. My heart was crushed.

Then later on in the evening I bumped into a friend completely by accident and she had thought i planned to meet him because I didn't want o spend time with her.

In the end she turned to me and said "I'm sorry" and left me to go home.

Next time I saw her she was all happy to hang out with me. I was pretty happy too. We went for coffee and thats when she tells me she started dating that guy from her high school who she e-mailed earlier that year.

I was devastated.

I felt used. Hurt. Sad.

Worst of all I had to endure that for months because i worked with her and she still wanted to be my friend.

I almost lost all my friends complaining about her and my situation for almost a full year.

I finally got out of it by graduating from University and moving overseas for a year.

I kept it a secret from her as much as a could and right before I left she e-mailed me this whole long story how she wanted to remain my friend.

I simply replied that I could write a whole e-mail about how much I hated her but instead decided to wish her a good life and that this was goodbye.

About 1 month later, in Australia, I found out she got engaged.

Boy was I glad I wasn't there for that.

EPILOGUE

I never saw her again until one day last winter after having moved back to My City, I was walking on a cold winter day all bundled up with my headphones in my ears. I look up and see her waving at someone.

I was shocked!

She didn't notice me. I kept walking and was thinking: "Oh my god! What should I do? Should I talk to her? Should i keep walking? Will she remember me? What would i say?"

Then when I broke out of my thoughts I looked up again only to realize I had walked 8 blocks from where I had seen her.

So i just kept walking.

Elwood's Dating Stories 4- University: Psycho girl Part 2

So to continue where I left off, Psycho Girl had admitted that she had a crush on me.

I should have seen the bad signs right off the bat. I only realized later that week that when she told me she liked me, she kept taking big sips of her beer, like she was trying to get drunk so it all made sense. It went like this:

"I" *sip* "Really" *sip* "Have a"*sip* "Crush on you!" *SIP!*

After downing our beers, we headed to a local park dubbed Crack Park (for the obvious reasons).

We sat down on a bench and talked a bit more.

I remember looking at the fountain in the middle of the park and seeing a weird looking couple getting their wedding picture taken.... at 11:30pm... by 1 guy.... with no one else around...

Anyways, Psycho Girl kept looking at me. Then she offered me some gum. Then looked some more. Finally she asked me if I would kiss her, and I did.

(Funny enough, I owe it to Psycho Girl because on my third date with Wendy, she had asked me if I wanted gum and this time I knew it was code for "do you want to kiss me", so Wendy didn't need to ask me).

For the res of October, I kept getting huge mixed signals from Psycho girl. We never kissed again since that night, only hung out as friends. I was too shy to try anything and I guess she didn't seem to mind.

That all changed on Halloween.

The plan was to hang out and get drunk. Boy did we ever!

I spent the night with Pyscho Girl, my buddy Football Guy and his girlfriend at the time.

We went to a University party where you paid a price to enter the building and throughout there were stations for shots. We were pretty sloshed on the way out.

We were all supposed to head to a club but Football Guy and his girlfriend were arguing or something. I'm not really sure what was going on because Psycho Girl kept making out with me in the street.

I probably should have left, but I really wanted to hang out with my buddy (I know, I didn't have my priorities straight back then).

Finally, Psycho Girl admitted she didn't feel well and that we had to go back to her place, which thankfully was near by.

On the way there, I heard her slur to me "I just want to hang out with you until I find someone else".

She told me that straight up to my face, and in such a passive manner like it was nothing.

It ruined the night for me.

Before I could even react to that, I found myself in her bathroom, being yelled at her to take off her dress so she could puke in the toilet. (Also, strangely enough, two months ago I almost found myself helping Wendy puke in a toilet at a hotel, but she yelled at me not to come into the bathroom, and in the end she never puked).

I helped Pyscho Girl into her bed. She asked me to join her but I was still all fucked up from what she told me earlier, and although I was drunk, something inside told me to get the fuck out of there, so I did.

I ended up at a friend's party instead of the club. At the party I had a really drunk conversation with two of my equally drunk friends:

Friends 1 and 2: "You left her all alone in her place?"
Elwood: "Yeah..."
Friends 1 and 2: "How'd you leave her?"
Elwood: I left her to sleep on her back"
Friends 1 and 2: "ON her BACK?! She could choke on vomit! You need to go back there!"
Elwood: Are you sure that's necessary?"
Friends 1 and 2: "Yes! Lets go!"
Elwood" Lets go? I don't even remember where she lives! I ran out of there as fast as a could!"
Friends 1 and 2: "Do you have her number? At least call her!"

We finally all calmed down and I called her. Not only was she fine, by calling her I had woken her up.

The next day, she had called me.

It was awkward on the phone. I just cut her off and said I thought we should just remain friends.

She agreed.

That was when I should have just gotten over her and moved on, but I didn't...

Instead, we still hung out. I used to drop by her job at the school supply shop between classes, had lunch with her , and talked to her on the phone.

Sometime time during that semester, she had admitted to me that she had e-mailed her High School Crush and asked him if he was available. He had told her that he just broke up with his girlfriend and wasn't ready to start dating again.

Lucky for he she had me around to mess with my head...

(Stay tuned for part 3. Yes this is a long fucking story. )

Elwood's Dating Stories 4 - University: Psycho Girl Part 1

In 2000 I started University. I was entering the college life without ever having kissed someone, been in a relationship or had sex. I also didn't go out much or drink.

Within the first year I befriended a group of good guys and we'd go out almost every weekend and hit up some bars. I eventually started going out more and more and even got involved with a committee that organized parties for my faculty.

It's through that that I had my first kiss.

Although I can't remember if it happened before or after that kiss, I do recall hanging out with some friends outside on campus when all of a sudden a bunch of people in a FROSH group came barreling towards us and all at once said excitedly that they were in a scavenger hunt and needed a picture of someone kissing a stranger.

Next thing I know it, some chick kissed me and ran off.

My friends all laughed and said I got kiss-raped.

So for the first couple of years at University I pretty much avoided any drama with girls. In my third year however things changed.

Thats when I met psycho girl.

I have mentioned her here and there throughout my blog already but I figure nows as a good a time as ever to give the whole story. I was so obsessed with it that I told everyone this story for up to year after it ended.

Basically I worked all summer in a lab at my University. During that time I met Psycho girl. She worked in the basement of the building.

She quickly joined my group of fellow co-workers who would hang out at lunch and sometimes go out after work.

I had a crush on her pretty quickly. She was tall, average weight and had long blond hair. I thought she was so hot.

We started to hand out a lot. I would go visit her at her lab and she'd be happy to see me.

About a month after meeting her, she had ended a 3 year relationship with this guy she lived with. She had told me that the day he asked her out, he came to class with some roses, then they dated for 3 years.

I didn't piece together in my head that she just finished a three year relationship and only thought "she's single and ready for the taking!".

had devised a plan to buy her a rose but because I didn't want her to think I was looking for something serious, I thought at the time if I bought her a fake rose that would make things better. And to make things even weirder, I thought it'd be a good idea to give it to her on my birthday.

I ended up getting really drunk and hitting on her quite strongly. She didn't like it so much and eventually she left. I never had a chance to give her the rose because I was way too shy.

About a week later I cornered her at her lab and gave her the rose. She laughed it off and thought it was a joke to which I played the "yes, that's it! It's a joke! Ha ha ha..... I going to go now..." card.

She soon caught on and told me she wasn't interested.

Fair enough. I was being so selfish and not thinking what she was going through. So I made it clear to myself to only be friends with her.

Things were good. We hung out a lot and flirted a bit but it was fun because we were just friends.
Then things got weird when a mutual friend got obsessed with Psycho Girl. He wouldn't leave her alone and looking back now, she totally used me to get him off her back.

On her birthday, she held my hand in front of him to make him jealous and it worked. The only shitty thing was I was crashing at his place and I didn't want to be stranded on the street. Luckily I calmed him down and reassured him I was just friends with Psycho Girl (which was the truth).

My favorite moment with Psycho Girl that summer was when we sat on the grass outside in a park right next to the spot where a Radiohead concert was playing. She didn't know their music, but we chatted and I got to talk to her about the music and the band.

Our friendship continued into the fall semester at University. I'd call her sometimes and invite her to my friends' parties. We'd bump into each other at school and hang out at lunch with our mutual friends. It was a lot of fun.

Finally one fall evening, I had an awful day at school. I accidentally erased my lab report and had to rewrite the whole thing. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a beer that I so needed. She said yes and we ended up at my favorite bar.

We had a couple of beers and talked. Then she had admitted after knowing her 5 months that she had a crush on me. That she thought I was cute and that she had wanted to kiss me way back at the Radiohead concert.

Deep down inside I was thrilled! I couldn't believe I was hearing this gorgeous girl who I thought was out of my league tell me she actually liked me!

Then she said "I don't want a relationship. I just want a fling".

I actually convinced myself I could handle that.

I would soon find out that I definitely could not handle that...

(to be continued)

Self Analysis

Although I'm hard on myself sometimes and there are a few traits I have that I wish I could change, I've come to the realization that it's very hard to change who you are and I've come to accept who I am.

I find that in a way I'm two different type of people trapped in the same body.

In general, I think I'm a pretty outgoing kind of guy. I can be loud at times. I'm not afraid to talk to people. Not afraid to go up n a stage and make a fool of myself (ex: Kareoke). I really burst out of my bubble during University and made lots of friends and acquaintances. I have a way of knowing how to talk to people.

By people I mean anyone who's not female.

When it comes to women, I'm the complete opposite.

I get shy and nervous. I try to impress too much. Then I get hard on myself.

In general I think I lack a certain kind of confidence. I'm not saying I'm completely insecure, just that I need to work on it. I'm like that with women, work, making decisions, etc.

I'm a very sensitive guy. I've been known to cry for some of the dumbest reasons while growing up.

Although I am a gentlemen and I like to help others, at times I tend to put others before me.

I try not to, but sometimes I also tend to care how others judge me. For example, when I had a fall out with Psycho Girl (I was drunk and spilled water all over her - purposely - she was not happy) I tried so hard to get her to not be angry with me and felt horrible for a couple of weeks. Then when I got her approval, I realized I wanted nothing to do with her but just knowing someone was angry with me made me nuts.

I also have a bad habit of being too open. I used to tell everyone about my problems because they would really bother me.

I've got a lot better and now I'm telling the whole internet about my problems.

The hard thing is that Wendy is the exact opposite.

She's strong willed. More confident than I am. She's very personal and doesn't talk to anyone about her personal life.

When we were dating she never openly told anyone I was her boyfriend. I would never hear her tell someone "I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Elwood".

On the plus side, seeing that she kept a lot to herself rubbed off on a me a bit. I felt obliged to keep things in as she did or else I'd feel like I was doing something wrong.

Unfortunately, I feel like I've been slipping since we broke up.

I promised myself I wouldn't tell anyone at work but I spilled the beans twice. Once last week and once today.

I felt on the spot!

I was in the elevator with my boss and she asked me how Wendy was. So I told her we had broken up.

I've been asked that a lot lately and although I want to keep it to myself, I just can't lie about it. The truth is we broke up and that's what happened.

In a way it's good I"m being asked because I have to be reminded that it happened.

Because Wendy and I are in limbo it's hard to remember, but it did happen.

Like Wendy put it once recently: "things would be easier if we were mad at each other".

Hopefully I'll get some answers soon...

Origins

On Wednesday I'm going to see Wendy and we're going to have "The Talk". The only thing I can see the need for The Talk is closure. We both know what's going to happen (we're breaking up) and that no matter what she or I say, it's not going to change the inevitable. She'll have a lot of things to get off her chest as will I.

I figured nows a good time for me to reflect on what I think is bothering me about the relationship and why we ended up as we did.

Before Wendy, I never dated anyone. The closest I got to was this Psycho Girl at University. I met Psycho Girl just after she broke up with her boyfriend of three years. I had never been liked by anyone (who admitted it) before her, and I ended up falling for her quickly not realizing I was totally being used as a rebound guy. We dated for 2 weeks and had tons of drama that lasted almost a full year. Even after the fact, I kept obsessing about her for months and months. I don't know why acted so stupid but I did.

After the Psycho Girl debacle, I met a lot of girls but never really dated.

Then last February I met Wendy through an online dating service.

We kept hanging out and getting to know each other and then by the fourth date we added kissing to the mix.

I was really shy at the beginning. She helped me though because she seemed really into me. Once i drove her home and i was so nervous she told me to come to her for a kiss. It was so awesome to have someone want me bad.

After a couple of months, I got more comfortable with her but her gung ho attitude diminished.

We got into a habit of talking on the phone before bed every night. That was a good thing. However I noticed by the later months I'd be so excited to spend the day with her (sometimes I''d have to wait several days until I'd see her for whatever reason) and then when we'd finally see each other, I'd feel disappointed. This was mostly due to the fact that we would hardly talk or I felt like I did all the talking. Now that I think about it, most of the time that she sounded excited to talk to me was when she would talk to me about her friends (one got engaged and one pregnant).

I'm not only blaming Wendy for the above. I'm sure my shyness at the beginning probably turned her off after a while and when I got used to being with it, it was too late and she had already started to lose interest. If that is true, then she should have mentioned something way earlier. But then again, me figuring that out should have a been a sign for me to say something.

Besides the lack of communication in person, the other big thing that was killing the relationship was the lack of intimacy. Before Wendy, I was a virgin.

I'm still a virgin.

Don't worry, we tried a few times, but each time something would happen and we just would be able to go all the way. The first couple of times made sense but after that it started to just sound like a bunch of excuses.

Again, at first I blame myself for I was really shy, but once I started to break my shell I felt like every time we would get together I wanted to have sex and no matter what I tried, I could never get her to want to.

In the later months, we spent more time just watching movies and her falling asleep than even making out.

Truly something is wrong and I have some idea as to why but it will be very interesting to her her thoughts on the matter.

Lets see how off I am from things when I talk to her on Wednesday.