Aftermath

It's been 3 day since Wendy and I broke up.

I keep thinking about it.

I keep talking about it. Trying to analyze everything. Looking for advice. Looking for answers.

It just feels all over whelming.

I'm now having doubts about what happened.

Most of the people I told seem to think that I made the right choice.

However, a good friend of mine, Body Builder (he works out) disagrees.

Body builder was out of town since before Christmas so he didn't know about anything that happened. He's a bit older than I am and really experienced with girls. He's dated a lot and is a bit of player although he doesn't promote that I be like him, he more gives me advice on a deep level, because he understands a lot.

He got really mad when I told him the whole story about Wendy and I breaking up. He told me that he can tell from what I've told him in the past that I must like her. He also said that it didn't matter that Wendy and I were too afraid to continue or not and that we should have used the night as a sign of a new start since we were bonding so well that night. If things were to have continued poorly than we would have known it wasn't meant to happen but now Wendy and I will never know.

Basically Body Builder spelled it out to me: She had her heart out at me, not sure if she wanted to get serious or not but still wanted something with me, and I was also unsure. So why end it?

Now my head really feels like mush.
I checked Facebook and saw that Wendy's profile says she's feeling really shitty for so many reasons.
I keep wanting to call her and see if she's ok, maybe even tell her we're making a mistake...

Sigh...

Worst of all I blame myself for feeling this way because I told so many people before I could think logically (which I don't think I'm still totally there). Now if I change my mind so many people will wonder why I'm doing the opposite of what I had told them earlier. I know I should care how people judge me but I feel a bit like a fool.

This whole thing is fucked up... why can't it feel so black and white, right and wrong?

Whats wrong with my heart?

There is this show called Dexter that I like to watch. It's basically about this guy who grew up with the urge to kill people but is taught by his foster father (who is a cop) how to hone in on his urges to kill only bad people. Eventually he grows up and becomes a forensic cop. Anyways, besides the fact that character is a killer, he has no emotions, and throughout the season we see him pretending to feel emotion and react to situations. We see him fall in love with his girlfriend, care for her kids and look after his sister, but in reality he's just pretending.

Last night, I'm ashamed to say it, but I kind of felt like Dexter. No I didn't want to kill Wendy. I just couldn't find the emotion I thought I would have. I wasn't bored. I said a lot of deep things to her and meant every word but at points it felt almost forced. Here I am with this beautiful woman in my arms and I couldn't even react. I wasn't angry at her, I wasn't mad at myself, I wasn't crying. I was just holding her and couldn't get a single thought in my head.

It really scared me. It made me think that besides all the stuff going on with Wendy, that I may need to figure myself out before I get involved with someone else. I've contemplated seeing a psychologist for a while now. Maybe it's time I see one...

When I got into my house I ad a quick chat with my brother Ira and he told me I can't force feelings I think I should have to appear. I believe that, I just want to know why they're missing.

Tough Times Part 2

I'm really ranting now and may be babbling over and over the same things so I figured I'd split the rant into two posts. Please read below for part 1.


I know that deep down inside I really did not want to hurt Wendy and was afraid that even if we fixed things, what was the point in continuing if she were to fall madly in love with me and I would still feel indifferent. and I know at first she said she wasn't sure on her feelings either, but after her letting them all out, I could tell she was more attached to me than she wanted to admit.

I really wish I could have felt the same way back, but I just didn't. I really like her but this whole situation is just making me more confused than straightening out any answers.

I originally thought that I could not stay friends with her if we broke up but I never realized how much I meant to her and how much she meant to me and promised her that I would still be her friend, that I just needed a few days break from her to be by myself.

We still kept talking about "us" and the topic of sex came up. Wendy admitted that she had really wanted to do it that time she got sick, and that she wasn't drunk then but felt sick from drinking earlier. She got really upset and told me that she didn't want me to lose my virginity on a drunken night out and that she had wanted it to special. I told her I would never do it with a stranger while drunk (believe me if I had wanted to there are always ways of hooking up while drunk).

I probably kept messing with her head but I truly meant it when I said that I had grown comfortable with her and had wanted her to be my first time.

Then we did what any emotionally charged individuals would do. We made out.

It got so hot and passionate.

We weren't sure what we were doing but she said that maybe it could be a way of saying goodbye.

Another problem was we didn't have any condoms in the car. Another thing missing was logic. We both stopped thinking rationally. We even drove back to my house and played with the thought of going into my room but my mom was still up. Wendy waited in the car while I went inside and grabbed a box of condoms. We went driving again btu then both of us had to go to the bathroom and stopped at a coffee shop.

After the pit stop we went back in the car and drove back to my house since we ran out of ideas as to where to go.

We started making out again but it just wasn't going to happen. I could tell she really wanted it but I was having doubts. I really wanted to, but something just didn't feel right. Deep down, I knew I would just be playing with her feeling and mine.

This was the problem we had from the beginning and i guess it only added more to my hesitation.

We held each other again but I couldn't take it anymore. We just sat in the car and it was getting late. I was even getting sleepy. I was so angry with myself. I'm in a car having the biggest heart to heart ever and I was falling asleep. I truly thought that something was wrong with me.

I finally said that I had to go. Wendy got really upset and wanted me to not let her go. She asked me to promise her I would call her and be her friend. I did.

I held her a bit longer but then I realized it was up to me to put the action in motion.

I couldn't understand how this whole situation went from her not being sure if I was the right one for her to me having to tell her I don't love her.

I gave her one last long kiss, said good night and walked out of the car.

I looked back and she was crying her heart out.

I went inside. She was still in front for a few minutes and then drove off.

I really hope I didn't make a mistake...

Tough Times

Warning: this may be a long one...

Last night was probably one of the most emotional nights in my life.

Wendy and I agreed to meet in the evening. Nothing went the way I had envisioned it.

I decided in advance that when I had to confront her it should be at a mutual place that wasn't her house or mine. Instead, I agreed for her to come pick me up at my house. I then figured we'd go to a coffee shop but she didn't want to go anywhere public, so we ended up in a parking lot.

We stayed in her car. It got so hot that we eventually took off our jackets and got really comfortable.

Since we weren't mad at each other and were just confused more than anything, we just sat and held each other for a long time and talked.

I had made a list of all the things we talked about the night before, and showed it to her. She read it over and then just held me.

I found the whole thing so hard because we knew something we wrong and we most likely weren't going to be continuing the relationship but on the other hand we never felt so close. We whispered in each others ears, and held each other tightly. At first Wendy leaned across from her seat, but eventually was on my lap facing me and holding on tight.

I don't know why but since the e-mail I got last week I've found it very hard to think. Maybe it was lack of sleep or some weird defense mechanism I have but I lost all thoughts, like my head was numb. Usually, in the past, when I worry about something, I think about it over and over again, but inside Wendy's car I wasn't.

Getting back to my situation with Wendy, throughout the night we jumped back and forth again with the thought of maybe trying not to break up. She kept asking me what I feel and I didn't know what to say. I felt... nothing. Nothing bad and nothing good. Maybe I'm in shock, I don't know. She kept saying that maybe that means I don't want to continue the relationship.

I thought about it a lot today and finally broke down in my mind what Wendy and I had told each other and a agreed on from last week leading to last night's break up:

-We dated for 10 months.

-Things were really good at the beginning but I was shy and I held back on the physical part.

-When I finally got comfortable with her, she had lost some of the attraction to me. She didn't feel passionate when I kissed her.

-I had feeling for her but was not getting a strong connection. I felt that she was pushing me away a lot. There were times she didn't have anything to tell me (we'd hang out all day and she'd barely add to the conversations) and at times she'd totally be uninterested if I tried fooling around with her.

-We never had sex. We tried a few times but there was always a different excuse and it never happened. The one time, quite recently, that we finally connected and felt really passionate for each other and I felt ready and knew I'd want to lose my virginity to her, she felt sick and ran to the washroom to throw up. She never did, but let's just say that killed the moment.

- I had wanted to tell her some thigns were bothering me but never did and kept it to myself instead.

-She finally realized something was wrong to and sent me an e-mail telling me that she's at a stage in her life that she may want to start getting serious and wasn't sure if I was the guy for it (this is before she even knew I didn't have strong feeling for her). She knew she liked me but wasn't sure if she could ever love me.

-After reading her e-mail I was totally under the impression that she had lost feeling for me.

Last night totally blew me away.

She admitted that she thought once I admitted my doubts about the relationship, we could have an easy break and leave each other with no problems. However, over the week, she realized that she did have strong feelings for me.

Throughout the night, I felt her attitude changed. First it sounded like she was unsure about her feelings to me, but there we talked about it and the more I admitted that I was confused but more leaning towards not being so into her, the more she came on stronger.

She admitted that she felt strong to me. That I was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. That she had been jerked around and hurt by a lot of guys and had never been with someone as sweet and caring as I have.

After hearing all that, I really really wanted to just say "fuck it" and stay with her and make her happy. I'm the kind of person that gets joy of making others happy. After learning that someone else things I'm special to them, just makes me want to continue that and makes me feel good and loved and special.

But it just felt wrong.

to be continued...