Tough Times

Warning: this may be a long one...

Last night was probably one of the most emotional nights in my life.

Wendy and I agreed to meet in the evening. Nothing went the way I had envisioned it.

I decided in advance that when I had to confront her it should be at a mutual place that wasn't her house or mine. Instead, I agreed for her to come pick me up at my house. I then figured we'd go to a coffee shop but she didn't want to go anywhere public, so we ended up in a parking lot.

We stayed in her car. It got so hot that we eventually took off our jackets and got really comfortable.

Since we weren't mad at each other and were just confused more than anything, we just sat and held each other for a long time and talked.

I had made a list of all the things we talked about the night before, and showed it to her. She read it over and then just held me.

I found the whole thing so hard because we knew something we wrong and we most likely weren't going to be continuing the relationship but on the other hand we never felt so close. We whispered in each others ears, and held each other tightly. At first Wendy leaned across from her seat, but eventually was on my lap facing me and holding on tight.

I don't know why but since the e-mail I got last week I've found it very hard to think. Maybe it was lack of sleep or some weird defense mechanism I have but I lost all thoughts, like my head was numb. Usually, in the past, when I worry about something, I think about it over and over again, but inside Wendy's car I wasn't.

Getting back to my situation with Wendy, throughout the night we jumped back and forth again with the thought of maybe trying not to break up. She kept asking me what I feel and I didn't know what to say. I felt... nothing. Nothing bad and nothing good. Maybe I'm in shock, I don't know. She kept saying that maybe that means I don't want to continue the relationship.

I thought about it a lot today and finally broke down in my mind what Wendy and I had told each other and a agreed on from last week leading to last night's break up:

-We dated for 10 months.

-Things were really good at the beginning but I was shy and I held back on the physical part.

-When I finally got comfortable with her, she had lost some of the attraction to me. She didn't feel passionate when I kissed her.

-I had feeling for her but was not getting a strong connection. I felt that she was pushing me away a lot. There were times she didn't have anything to tell me (we'd hang out all day and she'd barely add to the conversations) and at times she'd totally be uninterested if I tried fooling around with her.

-We never had sex. We tried a few times but there was always a different excuse and it never happened. The one time, quite recently, that we finally connected and felt really passionate for each other and I felt ready and knew I'd want to lose my virginity to her, she felt sick and ran to the washroom to throw up. She never did, but let's just say that killed the moment.

- I had wanted to tell her some thigns were bothering me but never did and kept it to myself instead.

-She finally realized something was wrong to and sent me an e-mail telling me that she's at a stage in her life that she may want to start getting serious and wasn't sure if I was the guy for it (this is before she even knew I didn't have strong feeling for her). She knew she liked me but wasn't sure if she could ever love me.

-After reading her e-mail I was totally under the impression that she had lost feeling for me.

Last night totally blew me away.

She admitted that she thought once I admitted my doubts about the relationship, we could have an easy break and leave each other with no problems. However, over the week, she realized that she did have strong feelings for me.

Throughout the night, I felt her attitude changed. First it sounded like she was unsure about her feelings to me, but there we talked about it and the more I admitted that I was confused but more leaning towards not being so into her, the more she came on stronger.

She admitted that she felt strong to me. That I was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. That she had been jerked around and hurt by a lot of guys and had never been with someone as sweet and caring as I have.

After hearing all that, I really really wanted to just say "fuck it" and stay with her and make her happy. I'm the kind of person that gets joy of making others happy. After learning that someone else things I'm special to them, just makes me want to continue that and makes me feel good and loved and special.

But it just felt wrong.

to be continued...