Self Analysis

Although I'm hard on myself sometimes and there are a few traits I have that I wish I could change, I've come to the realization that it's very hard to change who you are and I've come to accept who I am.

I find that in a way I'm two different type of people trapped in the same body.

In general, I think I'm a pretty outgoing kind of guy. I can be loud at times. I'm not afraid to talk to people. Not afraid to go up n a stage and make a fool of myself (ex: Kareoke). I really burst out of my bubble during University and made lots of friends and acquaintances. I have a way of knowing how to talk to people.

By people I mean anyone who's not female.

When it comes to women, I'm the complete opposite.

I get shy and nervous. I try to impress too much. Then I get hard on myself.

In general I think I lack a certain kind of confidence. I'm not saying I'm completely insecure, just that I need to work on it. I'm like that with women, work, making decisions, etc.

I'm a very sensitive guy. I've been known to cry for some of the dumbest reasons while growing up.

Although I am a gentlemen and I like to help others, at times I tend to put others before me.

I try not to, but sometimes I also tend to care how others judge me. For example, when I had a fall out with Psycho Girl (I was drunk and spilled water all over her - purposely - she was not happy) I tried so hard to get her to not be angry with me and felt horrible for a couple of weeks. Then when I got her approval, I realized I wanted nothing to do with her but just knowing someone was angry with me made me nuts.

I also have a bad habit of being too open. I used to tell everyone about my problems because they would really bother me.

I've got a lot better and now I'm telling the whole internet about my problems.

The hard thing is that Wendy is the exact opposite.

She's strong willed. More confident than I am. She's very personal and doesn't talk to anyone about her personal life.

When we were dating she never openly told anyone I was her boyfriend. I would never hear her tell someone "I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Elwood".

On the plus side, seeing that she kept a lot to herself rubbed off on a me a bit. I felt obliged to keep things in as she did or else I'd feel like I was doing something wrong.

Unfortunately, I feel like I've been slipping since we broke up.

I promised myself I wouldn't tell anyone at work but I spilled the beans twice. Once last week and once today.

I felt on the spot!

I was in the elevator with my boss and she asked me how Wendy was. So I told her we had broken up.

I've been asked that a lot lately and although I want to keep it to myself, I just can't lie about it. The truth is we broke up and that's what happened.

In a way it's good I"m being asked because I have to be reminded that it happened.

Because Wendy and I are in limbo it's hard to remember, but it did happen.

Like Wendy put it once recently: "things would be easier if we were mad at each other".

Hopefully I'll get some answers soon...