There is this show called Dexter that I like to watch. It's basically about this guy who grew up with the urge to kill people but is taught by his foster father (who is a cop) how to hone in on his urges to kill only bad people. Eventually he grows up and becomes a forensic cop. Anyways, besides the fact that character is a killer, he has no emotions, and throughout the season we see him pretending to feel emotion and react to situations. We see him fall in love with his girlfriend, care for her kids and look after his sister, but in reality he's just pretending.
Last night, I'm ashamed to say it, but I kind of felt like Dexter. No I didn't want to kill Wendy. I just couldn't find the emotion I thought I would have. I wasn't bored. I said a lot of deep things to her and meant every word but at points it felt almost forced. Here I am with this beautiful woman in my arms and I couldn't even react. I wasn't angry at her, I wasn't mad at myself, I wasn't crying. I was just holding her and couldn't get a single thought in my head.
It really scared me. It made me think that besides all the stuff going on with Wendy, that I may need to figure myself out before I get involved with someone else. I've contemplated seeing a psychologist for a while now. Maybe it's time I see one...
When I got into my house I ad a quick chat with my brother Ira and he told me I can't force feelings I think I should have to appear. I believe that, I just want to know why they're missing.
3 comments:
I don't think anything's wrong with you. But I'm a big fan of therapy.. I think everyone should do it. It can only help, assuming you find the right therapist for you.
Your story about the car ride and the talk is so sad.
I think the saddest part about what has happened is that this is the kind of open communication you guys should have been having throughout your relationship. And now that you finally got there, you're breaking up.
I wouldn't worry about not feeling stronger right now. That might come in the next couple weeks.. it's all so new. You can feel a little numb after a breakup sometimes.
But it sounds like the lack of communication (and intimacy) up until this point led you to hold back your feelings, which may be why you don't feel as much as you think you should. You were just protecting yourself.
I totally agree. I never felt more connected with her than when we were in her car that night.
I realized last night how amazing it would have been had we not been breaking up. The connection was so intense.
I played with the thought of not breaking up but it just felt like it was too late. Too much stuff had come out.
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