The Talk

Well, for the most part of the day I did not think of Wendy.

During the evening, though I was talking to a friend online. She knew what was going on with Wendy and I and was asking me how I was doing. I told her I had become really confused and that I know long was absolutely certain that I would break up with Wendy. I got pretty angry talking to her because she was basically telling me that I already said I'd break up with Wendy and that I'm just fooling myself to think I want to stay with he. She then started to list all the things that had been bothering me in my relationship.

That's all nice and dandy but it really got me to think that this is my relationship with girlfriend. I know she was just giving me advice so as not to get hurt, but I don't think there is a rule about when you make a decision you can't have second doubts. It made me realize that I really need to figure things out for myself and that no one can give me the answers I'm looking for except perhaps Wendy herself.

I also realized that I was starting to think of Wendy as a bad guy. Like I was using every excuse to have something to be mad at her for. For example, she text messaged me to tell me her plane was late and my initial thought was "Ugh. She's just being nice to me and pretending like nothing is wrong". This made me realize, though, that she hadn't done anything wrong to me and it was quite clear that we both were having doubts about our relationship, so I had no reason to be mad at her.

Those two key points above made me realize that I was ready to talk with her.

The original plan was to see her tonight, but with the bad weather and the delayed flight, it never happened.

She initially called me while i was watching a movie and sounded quite pleasant and happy to hear me. I kind of came off as a jerk at first when she asked me a question about something I already answered the night before when she was drunk, to which I replied "do you remember anything from last ". It sounded really harsh but I was referring to more of the fact if she meant all the stuff she told me, or if it was all just a drunken rant that she has no recollection about. Thankfully, I found out later it was the former.

I called her after the movie. It started as chit chat and quickly dived into a serious talk. I think I started it but getting really upset and even started to cry a little. She started to cry as well. A lot.

After about a full year together we finally had our first talk and really let it all out. The talk lasted for about 3 hours. During the talk we:

- Got to talk about the things that were bothering us about the relationship or other person

- Established that upon reading my e-mail reply to her own, that she originally wanted to end the relationship clean slate. However, during the week she found out that she really hard stronger feeling for me and may not want to end the relationship after all.

-I admitted to her as well that I really wanted to end the relationship after all.

-Discussed the positive and negative reasons of why we think we should or shouldn't' stay together.

-What we were expecting from the relationship and what was missing.

-The possibilities of introducing or replacing the missing or bad things.

In the end, after 3 hours, we still haven't figured out that we are both on the same page. We both have problems with the relationship and are afraid to keep it going in the result that we may either hurt the other or both be hurt. We also think that it may be worth at least trying to fix things and see from there if this really is what we want or not. In the end, not trying just for fear of hurting the other person doesn't really sound like a valid reason.

The more I keep thinking about it the more I keep realizing that I do like Wendy and that my fear of getting too involved with my first girlfriend may have held me back a bit.

In the end we didn't come up with a solution but totally exhausted all possibilities and the result that can occur from those possibilities. We agreed to see each other tomorrow and see how we react in person. This meeting may make or break our relationship.

A lot of my friends would probably say I could be making a mistake but I've come to realize that in the end it's my decision and if I make a mistake well than I'll just have to deal with it, but I'll never know unless I try.

We'll see how I feel after tomorrow.