Tough Times Part 2

I'm really ranting now and may be babbling over and over the same things so I figured I'd split the rant into two posts. Please read below for part 1.


I know that deep down inside I really did not want to hurt Wendy and was afraid that even if we fixed things, what was the point in continuing if she were to fall madly in love with me and I would still feel indifferent. and I know at first she said she wasn't sure on her feelings either, but after her letting them all out, I could tell she was more attached to me than she wanted to admit.

I really wish I could have felt the same way back, but I just didn't. I really like her but this whole situation is just making me more confused than straightening out any answers.

I originally thought that I could not stay friends with her if we broke up but I never realized how much I meant to her and how much she meant to me and promised her that I would still be her friend, that I just needed a few days break from her to be by myself.

We still kept talking about "us" and the topic of sex came up. Wendy admitted that she had really wanted to do it that time she got sick, and that she wasn't drunk then but felt sick from drinking earlier. She got really upset and told me that she didn't want me to lose my virginity on a drunken night out and that she had wanted it to special. I told her I would never do it with a stranger while drunk (believe me if I had wanted to there are always ways of hooking up while drunk).

I probably kept messing with her head but I truly meant it when I said that I had grown comfortable with her and had wanted her to be my first time.

Then we did what any emotionally charged individuals would do. We made out.

It got so hot and passionate.

We weren't sure what we were doing but she said that maybe it could be a way of saying goodbye.

Another problem was we didn't have any condoms in the car. Another thing missing was logic. We both stopped thinking rationally. We even drove back to my house and played with the thought of going into my room but my mom was still up. Wendy waited in the car while I went inside and grabbed a box of condoms. We went driving again btu then both of us had to go to the bathroom and stopped at a coffee shop.

After the pit stop we went back in the car and drove back to my house since we ran out of ideas as to where to go.

We started making out again but it just wasn't going to happen. I could tell she really wanted it but I was having doubts. I really wanted to, but something just didn't feel right. Deep down, I knew I would just be playing with her feeling and mine.

This was the problem we had from the beginning and i guess it only added more to my hesitation.

We held each other again but I couldn't take it anymore. We just sat in the car and it was getting late. I was even getting sleepy. I was so angry with myself. I'm in a car having the biggest heart to heart ever and I was falling asleep. I truly thought that something was wrong with me.

I finally said that I had to go. Wendy got really upset and wanted me to not let her go. She asked me to promise her I would call her and be her friend. I did.

I held her a bit longer but then I realized it was up to me to put the action in motion.

I couldn't understand how this whole situation went from her not being sure if I was the right one for her to me having to tell her I don't love her.

I gave her one last long kiss, said good night and walked out of the car.

I looked back and she was crying her heart out.

I went inside. She was still in front for a few minutes and then drove off.

I really hope I didn't make a mistake...