It's done

It's 4am and I'm exhausted. I just sent Wendy an e-mail. I know what you're thinking, that it was really lame and chicken to send it by e-mail but I gave it a lot of thought and it made most sense to me.

I hadn't spoken to Wendy in 5 days. For me to just call her out of the blue just to tell her I don't want to talk to her anymore (for a while at least), made no sense to me. plus, I felt this way I could express myself properly and not leave anything out.

I'm not sure if I made the best decision or if I wrote a good e-mail but I did this and it's over with. I know it'll take me a while until i can move on but it's something I'm going to have to deal with.

In the end I think it's better to do this than just let it drag on because i"m scarred or inconvenienced to end things properly.

I included my e-mail below:

Hey,
It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. I didn't want to do this by e-mail but I feel it's the only way I can express all my thoughts properly.

This whole past week has been stressful. I've been working very late hours everyday, not sleeping very well and letting my mind waver all over the place.
In turn, I've been thinking real long and hard about us.

I kind of mentioned it before but I have to tell the whole truth - I hate this situation we're in. I hate that we're in limbo. When we broke up, this is what I wanted to avoid but let it happen anyways. When we broke up, I gave it a lot of thought, I really did, and decided that we may have broken up too soon and could have given it another shot. I called you back right away and tried to "fix" things. I thought we could work things out slow and then get back together.

It's been two months and nothing has changed. You still seem unsure about things. I feel horrible that at first I was almost pushing you to make a decision and now after a lot of thinking have come up with my own decision. I realized recently that I've been trying so hard to fix things that I never gave it a lot of thought of how things would be if we did get back together. The few times i did, I got scared and only thought of the things I disliked when we were a couple. I have a lot of feelings for you still and I really enjoyed being with you for those 10 months but near the end we both knew something was wrong. I'm afraid I might want to get back together for all the wrong reasons and that would make things even worse.

As hard as it is for me to say this, I decided I need to be alone for a while. I'm not saying I never want to see you again. I truly would want nothing more than for us to be friends. I know that you have remained close friends with multiple guys you've dated in the past, but for a while I'm going to need some distance.

You were my first girlfriend and you still mean a lot to me. I experienced many things I haven't before with anyone else and am glad I got to experience them with you.

I hope you won't hate me for this and all the back and forth nonsense I put you through these past couple of months, and that somewhere down the road we can stay in touch.

Elwood

Harder than I thought

So yeah, as of the past couple of days I've been all "I think I better end things with Wendy. I'll just call her, tell her my feelings and move on - 1,2,3".

SO SO much harder than that.

All day yesterday my plan was to call her up and talk. Instead, I got really tired and decided to go to sleep.

I realized that I need to call her at the right time; That it wouldn't be good to force myself to call her just to tell her the news. I'd rather call her when I feel awake and ready to talk and hear what she has to say (not that anything she says will change my decision). I just don't want to come across as barking at her in the phone. I need to be civil. There is nothing wrong (we're not fighting or anything) with us so it's like I'm adding trouble which is why it feels safer not to do anything.

I admit I'm scared.

Yesterday every time my phone moved I was scared it would be her. Another thing I decided is I won't bring it up if she calls me. Unless, it makes sense.

I'm hoping not to drag this out much longer than needed.

Is there soemthing I"m not seeing?

I don't mean to keep coming back to this subject but it seems everyone won't leave me alone about it.

Tonight my mom blatantly said at the dinner table something along the lines of "You should start dating girls again" or something like that. Also, yesterday, my brother Ira was giving me a speech how Wendy is not treating me well by having us be in Limbo.

Things aren't 100% black and white but I am enjoying what I'm doing right now. It's not exactly where I want to be but I feel like we may be getting somewhere.

I went out with Wendy on Tuesday. I had to go into town to pick something I left at a friend's place and I gave Wendy a call asking if she'd like to come since her house is on the way (sort of).

We headed into town, got my stuff and then went to a book store where I bought an excellent book (The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-Time by Mark Haddon . Go buy it now!). We then went for coffee and chatted.


I've been pretty tired all week (hence the lack of posting) and I wasn't any better at coffee. Then I did something I didn't expect to do:
Wendy was telling me a story and for some strange reason I just got mesmerized in her eyes. I stopped paying any attention to her words and just dove in her eyes and started splashing around.

Then I broke out of it and was like "Yeah, that sounded like fun". To which she replied "Fun? Are you listening? We never ended up going there!"

I was totally embarrassed and just kept apologizing. I guess i could have told her the truth but was afraid I'd come on too strong and weird her out.

See thats whats tough about this situation. We're not technically dating so I"m afraid to say certain things or do certain things.

On the other hand I've been thinking lately and wonder if I"d truly enjoy it if I saw her as often as I did before.

Before we'd hang out every weekend and maybe once or twice more in the week. We'd spend days doing something together and some evenings we'd just crash on the couch and watch tv and cuddle.

Now we get together once or twice a week and talk on the phone every second day.

It's funny, but seeing her a little less is actually helping. Now when we talk we actually have things to talk about because it's been a couple of days since we last spoke. Also, we've been hanging out with other people so we actually have stories to tall about things we did, whereas before we did everything together.

However, whats shitty about this situation is I miss being with her. I miss falling asleep in her arms. I miss having her come over for dinner. I miss hanging out with her and her friends (not that I really miss her friends, it just felt good to be accepted in her circle of friends).

I realized if I really want to make that push to bring things close to how they were before, I can at least try, but something is holding me back.

I don't think I really want to go to back to how things were. I'm afraid of her coming over all the time and just sleeping, and me only wanting to have sex and not do anything about it except feel awkward. I'm afraid all we'll do is watch movies.

I know now is the best time to try to bring us to a new and different place than we were in before, but I'm not sure what that place is and how to get there.

And besides all this, as I mentioned above, it seems I'm the only one (and hopefully Wendy) who thinks we are going some place. Most people think I'm either being jerked around or wasting my time.

I'll find out soon enough.

Stressed to impress

This week has been very stressful at work and it's only going to get worse. I have a big deadline for tomorrow night.

On the bright side it's been keeping my mind off of Wendy. Well actually even though we're not officially back together we've sort of been dating again.

Last night I went out for coffee and dessert with her. For the first time ever, we just talked for hours. Wendy couldn't believe how late it was.

Wendy invited me to see a Lifehouse concert. I was crossed with what to do:
pro: I really want to spend time with Wendy
con: I really hate Lifehouse

At first I agreed to go because she could have asked anyone and she told me she knows people who would love to go see them with her, but she asked me. She didn't have to and to me that shows she really likes my company.

I told her although I don't particular like Lifehouse, I'd make an effort to get into their music. So, I went onto their website and heard of few songs. After 10 minutes I decided I just can't go. I can't be bothered paying 25$ to watch a band surrounded by screaming females. I saw Bon Jovi with Wendy 2 months ago and that was bad enough (don't get me wrong, I like some Bon Jovi songs but man, being in an auditorium to watch them surrounded by screaming ladies was brutal).

To make it up to her, I invited Wendy to a concert that I want to go to for a band she knows nothing about. I even lent her a CD to help her decide.

So show of hands - is it better to go to a show you know you'll hate but be around someone you enjoy being with or bail and hang out with them some other time?

Understanding the rules

Wow. Post break up is a weird place to be.

I just got back from a hanging out with Wendy. I know we're not dating anymore, but it sure look, tasted and felt like a date.

I was kind enough to go pick her up from her house even though the bar was closer to mine. Once at the bar, she bought me a beer (she insisted).

We spent the whole night talking about stuff. I did most of the talking, but I tend to talk a lot anyways and she doesn't say much in general. However, we seemed into it. There were occasions of not saying much but I left it open so she'd have a chance to bring something interesting to talk about.

The really weird part was when she was telling me how she was busy tomorrow and couldn't meet her cousin who wanted to get trashed with her for having just broken up with someone. Her cousin suggested they go out drinking right after it happened, but she got sick, so it tentatively go t moved to tomorrow.

Sure, it's one thing telling someone that, but when you're that someone, it tends to make things awkward. I was ok with it though, since i know she didn't mean any harm.

There was a pretty good cover band playing a bunch of songs i like that I havn't heard in a while. They had the Eagles thing going on with the drummer being the singer.


Once i noticed the pauses getting longer, I could see she was getting tired, so Wendy and I left.

I drove her home. Once we reached her house, I put the car in park and we chatted for a good 10 - 15 minutes.

She said she "had to go pee" from the beer (she wasn't drunk; has a tiny bladder) . In the past she'd say that and jump out the car. Tonight she just kept talking to me.

Finally she said she had to go, so after our last encounter, I moved forward for the kiss.

I felt like we kissed really passionately. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I felt. Maybe she did too because we just kept kissing.

I know making out isn't so out of the ordinary, but after so many months of a quick kiss and dash, it's fun and exciting to be spending a good 5 - 10 minutes playing tonsil hockey.

So I finally understand the post break up rules:

there aren't any!

Spoke Too Soon

Since Monday, I've gotten really excited over Wendy again. I don't know why. I mean if you think about it, right after New Years, we were having problems and broke up. Then I was confused for several days and now I'm all gung ho to get back together with her. We had a great date on Monday and even kissed goodnight. I thought that meant we were getting back together.
Boy was I ever wrong.

I blame myself for getting too excited too fast. Lately I've been having new and exciting feelings for Wendy, the ones you get when you start a new relationship. This makes sense since if we are going to start over,and try to do things differently, then it is going to feel like anew relationship.

That's if we get back together...

I knew after what happened Monday that I needed to talk to Wendy about it to make sure we're on the same page. I don't think we quite are and I better be careful about things.

She's not sure what she wants. I figured out that just because we kissed again doesn't mean we're back together in her mind. I realized the more we talked that maybe I was wrong to think that myself. I guess I reacted too fast.

I asked her what was going on and she wasn't sure.

She saw it in my eyes t hat I really wanted to kiss her. I asked her if she regretted kissing me and she said no. She said if she didn't want to she would have told me. However, I'm not convinced she was hoping I'd kiss her as much as I thought. In turn, I may just be confusing her more.

I told her I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. When she asked me what page I was on, I didn't tell her "I want to get back together" because I didn't want to scare her off to quickly, but I did tell her that I was on the page as to how we've been handling things. Taking it slow and talking on the phone and try going out on some dates.

Basically Wendy isn't ready to say we're back together yet and wants to see how things go. That makes sense but for once I stood up and told that it's going to make things awkward not knowing what's really . She asked me why and said very sternly "So what? Now we're friends that kiss?". I could tell by her pause that she didn't like that too much.

Wendy then tells me that she's going to make she's sure not going to hurt me on purpose.

Oh yeah, that's a relief, thanks...

So what now, we'll continue this fake dating until she finds someone else and then tell me it's over? I'm pretty sure she won't do that but I don't know what's going on in her head.

I asked her if I had been more receptive the night we broke up if things would have been better. In other words, had I agreed to stay together when she was balling her eyes out telling me she didn't want to lose me. Wendy admitted that she was confused then as she is now.

I know what everyone reading this blog must be thinking: "Get out now! The longer we keep this up the more I'll get hurt in the end".

Thank you for your concern.

The way I see it, I may be trying to rush things a bit. I understand she wants to take things slow, as do I. It's just that I'd feel better knowing if it's to end up at the same goal.

I've decided the best things to do is see how things go for the next month. I'll continue to talk to her on the phone and see her on the weekends for a date. When the month is over, if I"m still into her as much as now, then I'm going to bring it up again and tell her I need to know whats going on. If she still gives me this "I'm confused" answer, then I'm going to stop seeing her.

I don't mean to sound like I'm putting Wendy down. Even though she's confused, I know she's trying.

We're talking a lot better and I'm not afraid to say stuff anymore. I told her straight up it'd be nice if she'd call me sometimes and make plans, since I was always the one calling her to go out. Also, I'm a member of a club where we get together every Saturday and play fun games. She told me she may come to the next meeting. Before she would never show interest to come and now she is.

So I just need to calm down a few steps and stick to my plan of taking things slow.

Wish me luck!

Back To Square One

I just got back from my evening with Wendy.

It reminded me of one of our first dates. In fact is was even better.

I was about 30 minutes late at the meeting point (took longer by public transport than predicted). However, I cheered her up with some bubble wrap I stole from work. She went ecstatic (do all girls like bubble wrap?).

We then went for pizza, talking in teh car and joking around.

At dinner she got to admire the 'new' me. I now have a goatee and was wearing a new style clothes I bought (except for 2 times I practically haven't seen her for the past month). She told me liked it and could get used to it.

We talked a lot and laughed and just had fun.

Are evening continued with going to Chapters. Wendy wanted to buy a new book and found what she was looking for.

I couldn't remember her being so talkative. That was one of the things I questioned her when we were having our serious talks, so maybe she's making an effort?

The whole night we didn't touch or anything, purely platonic.

By the end of the night though, my mind started to race. Things felt different and the night was about to end - she was driving me home. I started to feel a bit of anxiety/butterflies in the stomach type feeling. I kept thinking "this is it, moment of truth. Don't expect a kiss. Don't expect a kiss". I really didn't want to keep my hopes up and was still confused as to what was going on.

We get to my house and talked for a minute or two and then I said goodnight. She said goodnight. We looked at it each other. Then I figured that was it. She obviously didn't want to kiss me. So I opened the door and walked slowly away constantly looking back.

I get to my door and she's still there. I opened the door, dropped my bag and walked back to the car.

I really wanted to walk back to the car.

I go up to her window and she rolls it down. I asked her if something was wrong. Wendy said that she always waits for me to go inside my house. Maybe I was just tired, but I don't ever remember her doing it before.

There was awkward silence for a few minutes and I said "So... goodnight..." once more time to which she replied "kiss me".

So I did.

Then it became a make out.

I pulled my head back. Then forward.

More make out.

We stared at each other again. Right then I was totally confused at to what was going on so I said "so we'll do this again?". She said yes.

I couldn't help myself and said "can I kiss you one last time?" and she happily said yes.

Even more make out.

The I said "so we'll take it slow?" and she agreed.

So... I guess we're sort of dating again...?

Either way it was fun and exciting. It's like starting over again. This is the excitement that was lost 8 months ago.

The shitty thing is though is that one of the faults of the relationship was that I was really shy and wasn't very physical at first. Now, the past two times she had to tell me to kiss her (like she did when I first met her). It's not that I'm afraid it's just that i Didn't know what her intentions were. Now that I know, I"m going to try and initiate things because I don't want a repeat of events.

Well, I'll have to see how things progress...

The pseudo-date

Since Wendy and I broke up we got together once. We went to a comedy show where a bunch of my friends were attending (and performing).

Tonight is the first time that we're hanging out just the two of us.

Last night I had the biggest urge to call her for coffee. I was both excited and nervous. In the end I decided not to. Besides being afraid of what is going on, it was extremely cold and it was getting late and i figured she'd just say no.

Later, she called me and we talked. When I told Wendy how I was tempted to call her for coffee but thought she'd say no because it was cold outside, she sounded a bit disappointed. , saying "how'd you know I would have said no". This is interesting because the Wendy I remember when we dated totally would have said no. She'd have complained it was late and too cold to go anywhere. Maybe our situation is changing our habits?

I feel like all my early relationship anxieties have returned lately. On the phone I wanted to ask her for coffee for tonight and I was actually scared. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm afraid of her saying no, and no being a huge deal because that's like saying "no we'll never get back together". Also me worrying about us getting back together is even worse. I don't want to make an issue out of this.

Then something I didn't expect happened: she said yes.

Not only did she say yes, it went like this:

Elwood: "Um... so.. would you like to go for coff..."
Wendy "yes"
Elwood: "...ee tomorrow night?"

I'm running late (still at work) but we decided to go for pizza instead.

I promise to post how it goes.

Got to run!

The Saga Continues

Since Wendy and I broke up we've been talking on the phone every 2 or 3 days. So far we've been taking turns calling each other. On Friday she called me.

2 days later (tonight) she just called me again.

We've only been talking about every day stuff (not "us") but at least it's been engaging.

I really wish I could figure out whats going on in her mind...

Wake Up Call

Yesterday, for reasons beyond explanation, I really wanted to call Wendy.

Maybe it was because I was tired and things were slow at work, but all day I kept thinking "wow I can't wait to call Wendy tonight".

It killed me.

Regardless of the fact that we broke up, I just hate feeling defendant on someone. After feeling that all day I started to get the feeling that when I did call her it wouldn't fulfill whatever void I was feeling that day [Note: I'm talking a general sense. I just felt like talking to her about anything, not necessarily about us or our situation].

Before bed, I finally called her.

The first half of the conversation was actually not too bad. Talked about a bunch of stuff and both sounded genuinely into it.

Then I got totally thrown off guard.

Wendy started to tell me about how she went to a rock show with her Guy Friend and how her other friend, Facebook Friend was telling her the other day that she should totally go after Guy Friend. She kept going on about it and saying all these things.

I just froze.

Here I am in bed, talking to my ex-girlfried/friend/limbo girlfiend (I don't know what she is anymore - she hasn't told me her thoughts on the matter...) like we always did, and now she's telling me about going after other guys.

I felt so stupid.

I thought to myself "Wow...I ended up exactly where I didn't want to end up!". That place where I still like her, thinking everything will go back to normal. Meanwhile, she has different thoughts on the horizon.

Well....
turns out I really am stupid.

Turns out I just misunderstood the whole thing. Facebook friend wasn't trying to hook Wendy and Guy Friend together, Facebook Friend wanted to hook up with Guy Friend (and it turns out Guy Friend has a girlfriend...).

Wendy said "Why would i be telling you this?".

I felt a lot better but it was a wake up call. It's made me realize that although things feel right, there is still this small issue of "whats going on" that needs to be addressed soon.

I've seen other friends do the pretend boyfriend/girlfriend thing (one such friend thought if he kept kissing his ex on the cheek instead of the lips, then none of us would think they were still going out...) and in the end someone gets hurt.

Maybe I'm over reacting but I just need to keep a head on my shoulders so I don't get hurt.

Living in Limbo

I've unfortunately had to pull in a whole weekend of overtime and haven't had a chance to write anything.

I'm actually exhausted right now and don't feel like dwelling on a whole story at the moment but thought it'd be a good time to recap a conversation I had with my brother Ira while he was driving me home from work earlier this evening.

He had asked how things went on Friday with Wendy. I've been really close to him lately, so he already knows everything that's been going on with Her and I the past couple of weeks.

I told him that the night went fine.

We hung out. We went to a book store and then a comedy show.

He asked me if it was "buddy-buddy". I don't think I would say it was buddy-buddy, per se. In the past I had a bad habit of touching Wendy a lot. Not touching her in a creepy way. I just mean stuff like holding her hand, stroking her neck etc. We were never really big on PDA. The most physical contact weld ever do in public was probably her sleeping on the bus with her head on my shoulder.

For the most part of the night, we had no physical contact at all. It felt different, but I think if we were to start over again, I'd try not to touch her as much. I think it took away from it by always having my hands on her somewhere, and not to contradict myself, but I started to feel creepy myself.

The only contact we had was when she laughed really hard at the show and rested her head on my shoulder for a couple of seconds.

Then Ira asked how the end of the night went.

I told him I dropped her off and told her that I've been thinking about us getting back together again and how she still sounded confused (as am I, so I don't blame her).

I also told him how we held hands and then she gave me a kiss tonight.

Ira asked me if I knew what would happen next.

I'm not sure what will happen next. I told Wendy that I didn't expect an answer overnight. I was thinking a lot this weekend and realized the ball is in her court.

I told her how I felt and it's now up to her to make a decision. I know that I really don't want to be the guy who starts pleading with her to get back together. Yes, I admit I've been confused lately, and yes I admit I wouldn't mind trying it again, but I truly believe I didn't do anything wrong to make me have to "win her heart back". So, if she's expecting that from me (which I highly doubt), she's not going to get it.

Also, I decided that I wouldn't call her. That I'd wait and see if she'd call me.

I told Ira that if she calls me and we talk about it and she doesn't want to continue than I 'll be fine with that since I can't force someone into something they don't want.

Then, I was about to say what I'd do if she called me but didn't bring it up, when he cut me off and said "then you'll just assume you're back together again?"

I was like "what?! NO!"

I think that is a terrible thing to think. What I was going to say was that I'd give it a little time, and although I'd like things to turn out for us, I don't want to sit and wait forever for her to make a decision and that it's important to keep track of time and know when to move on if need be.

To just assume I'm going out with her has got to be the worst decision to ever make. That would definitely cause the most heartache because If I was under that assumption but she had moved on and didn't tell me, then one day I'd find out she'd met someone new and I"d still be trying to get her rather than meet new people.

That is definitely something I'm looking to avoid.

As side note, she did call me tonight.

We had a nice long chat about nothing in particular.

Already we're talking like old times.

So the clock has started ticking. I have to make sure I keep track of where we go from her so as not to get her or disappointed if we're not going in the direction I think we are going.

Also, I noticed I stopped saying "sweet dreams" before hanging up. It's not that I wish her nasty nightmares. I guess I just want to see if she notices.