Get over it

I don't understand it.

I'm sure it's a normal thing but it's still confusing.

My friend Maynard told me that when he broke up with his girlfriend (it was a bad break up) that it took him 6 months to get over her. It's been almost 4 months since Wendy and I broke up. At first it was hard because we still hung out the first 2 months, but the last month wasn't so bad. I started going out again. I was hanging out with my brother. A lot of things were distracting me, including the big move (less than a week!) but this past week or so has just been so hard!

I'm not hoping to get back together with her or anything, remembering all of the good times together is making being single hard on me. I miss a lot of things.

I know what sparked this path down memory lane. I let me guard down.

Wendy and I were sending short messages back and forth on facebook. Recently the last few got a bit longer. Finally she sent me this:

"Would you maybe wanna grab a coffee or something after passover? I miss talking to you and I think it would be nice..but if you're not ready or uncomfortable with it, I totally understand..."

Yesterday when I was cleaning out my room didn't help either. I found a birthday card from her and even a piece of paper with her number on it. It must have been the first time I got it from her.

I'm actually terrified to see her anytime soon. I hope this is normal, but i don't feel ready yet. I wonder if she's over me yet either?

Actually as I sort of mentioned in the last post, I think I was using Victoria as a means to get over Wendy, but there wasn't even anything there (ex: I liked when she called, but Victoria would never actually talk to me so it wasn't really like when I used to talk to Wendy at all).

Anyways, the rest of this week will be really busy with moving and once I'm downtown I'll be so busy learning how to cook, do laundry and clean my room that I won't be thinking of Wendy or Victoria.

I know that once I'm settled in downtown, I'll be able to go out more an dhave much more interesting things to talk about then the same ol' crap I keep repeating.

2008 - Drama Galore

During University and even a couple of years after graduating, I used to view New Years Eve as a night to go out with friends, get wasted and deep down inside meet a girl and even a kiss on the stroke of midnight (The first time I had kissed a girl was at age 23 - my last year at University).

The past few years, I started to feel like it was losing its appeal. Maybe I was just getting older.
I really did not enjoy my New Years Eve partying last year and felt this year I didn't really want to make a big deal about it.

For a while, as the month of January was approaching, I thought this New Years would be different because I'd be spending it with Wendy. I had never had someone special to spend NYE with and maybe it could have a been a special night.

Instead, my night ended up being part fun spent with very close friends and part full of drama on my phone.

I ended up working all day until 5pm. Afterwards I met up with my good friends Maynard, Spider Dude and his girlfriend Luscious Linda. Spider Dude and Luscious Linda are living together in Oz and Maynard is ready to embark on a 2 year journey in SA, so I decided I wanted to spend my last night of 2007 with them and just enjoy myself rather than sit home all night with my parents and mope about Wendy.

For the most part the night was a fun. I was exhausted though and the shitty thing was my friends mistook that as me being depressed about Wendy and kept asking me if i was okay and wanted to talk about it.

I didn't really want to just rant about her all night but I ended up having a couple of conversations about her. One in particular really confused me. Spider Dude brought it up that I may be thinking about this all wrong. That it may not be that Wendy wants to be in a deeper relationship but just not with me. He thinks she really likes me a lot and is afraid that I'm the one who's not ready for a deeper relationship.

I've come to the conclusion that I"m still terrified by the fact of settling down now with the first girl I dated. However, part of me would like to see what would happen if we were to fix things and see where we go from there. So I"m still not sure if I really want to end things.

I'm just not sure were Wendy is coming from. And last night only confused me more.

At Midnight, I got a call from her. I was expecting one and was actually quite happy to see her name pop up on my phone.

I picked up and she sounded happy to hear me. She wished me a happy New Year and asked how I was doing. Then she told me a few times that she missed me. I could tell she sounded a bit giddy on the phone and then I got he to admit she'd been drinking.

It's nearly impossible to judge someone when they've been drinking. I've learned from experience (or being drunk and talking to others who are drunk) that either something you don't mean are said to sound sincere (ex: "you're so hot! Let's make out!", or, things you truly mean to but normally would keep to yourself are said (Ex, from Psycho Girl - "I just want to be with you until I meet someone else").

I'm not sure which applies to Wendy.

I truly liked that she called but felt more confused than ever. That didn't stop me from enjoying the rest of my night. I had been at a Russian traditional New Years party for the countdown (watching Putin on TV and toasting the Russian way) when Wendy called, and after wards my friends and I went to Local Coffee shop.

Local Coffee Shop is blessed to have a giant front window with big wooden chairs facing it. So we sat down for an hour making fun of all the dunk people running around. It was quick entertaining.

I got home at 3am and was ready for bed when the phone rang.

It was Wendy.

She sounded pretty drunk on the phone.
She kept saying that she missed me and we talked a bit. Then things got awkward and we started to talk about us. She started to get real deep and asked me "What do I want?". Being completely lost on feelings through the night, I didn't really know what to say right there and then and also figured talking to a Drunk Wendy about it not being the best of things either. I just told her I wanted to hug her.

She started to cry. She kept saying she wanted to see me when she gets in tonight and that she was very confused. When I said the same thing, she just cried more.

I know that it may be good to be the "tough guy" and not try to be all "it's ok, I"m there for you" wimpy guy, but I didn't see the point of being angry or something else at her at that moment, and I just assured her that I was not mad and genuinely wanted to see her.

She made me promise I'd see her tonight and I said yes.

I'm hoping to spend this whole day not worrying about tonight and hopefully my true feelings and common sense will help me when I talk her tonight.