Bummer weekend

Turns out Victoria may be crazy!

I called her up to see what she was up to. She told me that she got really drunk on Thursday. Apparently she had no recollection of calling me late that night at all, or the 10 other people she called, OR driving drunk!

She told me she couldn't find her car the next morning and that when she did find it down the street it was full of junk food so that could only mean she drove drunk (sounds like she had done this before...).

Also, her friends were looking for her and she had passed out in the hallway of her building for a while.

When I sounded concerned about her drunk driving shenanigans she seemed to sound offended, like I shouldn't lecture her because she wasn't aware of what she was doing so it makes it ok..

She then told me that she was going to hang out with her friends to watch the hockey game. On Thursday, she was pretty drunk and that was from hanging out with her not so close friends. This time it was to hang otu with her very close friends.

I made it sound like Body Builder and I would join them but we decided soon after I hung out it was probably a bad idea so we hung out at a friends place and watched it on TV instead at a noisy bar with drunk people.

I also found out, from another friend (who is one of the performers of the comedy troupe that I saw on Friday night) that prior to the show (which I mentioned to Victoria about but told me she wasn't coming to due to the fact she was off to a concert), she had called him to come over and hang out.

They had never hung out before and he has a girlfriend, so he was taken back a bit. My friends and I are still trying to figure out her motives.

In other news, I saw Sheira at the show on Friday night but didn't get a chance to talk to her much. Then after the show, we all usually hang out but she said she had to go call it an early night or something.

The girl stuff isn't bothering me that much (I'm just having fun with it anyways) but I am a bit sad because I finally made up my mind to take this apartment I had my eye on and when I went back to check it out, there was a confusion with which room I was interested in and the bigger room ended up being taken by someone else. I tried to convince my mom and myself that the smaller room would do just fine but with lack of closet it just seemed impossible.

To add to that, later that day, a friend of mine told me he knew someone looking for a room mate and it ended up being the same place!

So overall this weekend hasn't been as exciting as last weekend.

Progress

This past week has been pretty crazy.

One thing that was bothering me was that Wendy had her birthday party this past Saturday. I was actually at a bar around the corner from her planned party.

I went out with the intentions to not think about her and have some fun.


For the most part, no fun was had at all.

I was at a bar with Body Builder but he ended up chatting up a much older, drunken woman. I was tired of waiting around and we had planned to go to a house party together, so I convinced him I"d head there early and meet him there.

On the way to the party I bought 6 pack case of beer. I arrived at the apartment, ring the bell and no answer.

I called the person. No answer.

So I bailed early and went home at 11:30pm.

I ended up staying up with Ira until 2am looking on online dating sites for potential dates (for both of us).

Actually, I recently decided to give internet dating a shot again and spent the night before updating my "online profile". This is what I came up with:

"Hey! I'm a super outgoing, funny and all around good guy (I give my seat on the bus to little old ladies). I've always got a smile on my face and get great joy out of making others laugh. My current hobbies include playing acoustic guitar, performing improvisational comedy (think Whose Line Is It Anyway), reading all kinds of books (fantasy, biographies, fiction) and playing floor hockey. I have a secret love for dressing up and am known to go a bit overboard when Halloween comes around. I am a graphic designer and I lived in Australia for a full year. I loved traveling and wish I could do it again, sooner than later.

Just putting myself out there to meet new and interesting people. I'd like to hang out with someone who can make me laugh at all the silly things they do, introduce me to new rock bands, and just walk and talk around the city for hours. Hey, if anything were to blossom from that, then bonus."

I already got a message from someone who contacted me out of the blue. We wrote back and forth twice so far but then I realized she's living in Vermont and she hasn't wrote back since.

Also, yesterday I saw pictures of Wendy's birthday party and it actually didn't bother me at all. In fact, I feel bad saying this, but after looking at her pictures, I didn't even find her as attractive as I once did.

I guess I'm on the right track to moving on...

Couldn't resist...

Tonight I went to an 80's dance club for an old friend's birthday party.

The whole night I was thinking of Wendy.

Body Builder came with me and saw that I was not enjoying myself. He looked at me and said "just call her. You look like you'd be having more fun if she was there"

So I did.

I called her in the waiting room. She picked up and for the first time, didn't sound happy to hear from me. I thought to myself right away that I made a mistake calling her because she doesn't want to hear form me. It was more awkward talking tonight than it was the night we had our first talk on the phone last Tuesday.

On Tuesday it felt like she really wanted to talk to me and wasn't even accepting that it could be over.

Tonight, thought, she totally sounded distant (which I don't blame her) and there were lots of pauses in our conversation.

However, after a couple of minutes talking she listened and then admitted she was happy to hear from me. Eventually I even got her laughing a bit.

We didn't keep the phone call that long btu I asked if I could call her back tomorrow and she said yes.

I realized tonight that I'm through listening to advice, worrying about my thoughts, being afraid, and I'm going to try and just do what happens and go with the flow.

Aftermath

It's been 3 day since Wendy and I broke up.

I keep thinking about it.

I keep talking about it. Trying to analyze everything. Looking for advice. Looking for answers.

It just feels all over whelming.

I'm now having doubts about what happened.

Most of the people I told seem to think that I made the right choice.

However, a good friend of mine, Body Builder (he works out) disagrees.

Body builder was out of town since before Christmas so he didn't know about anything that happened. He's a bit older than I am and really experienced with girls. He's dated a lot and is a bit of player although he doesn't promote that I be like him, he more gives me advice on a deep level, because he understands a lot.

He got really mad when I told him the whole story about Wendy and I breaking up. He told me that he can tell from what I've told him in the past that I must like her. He also said that it didn't matter that Wendy and I were too afraid to continue or not and that we should have used the night as a sign of a new start since we were bonding so well that night. If things were to have continued poorly than we would have known it wasn't meant to happen but now Wendy and I will never know.

Basically Body Builder spelled it out to me: She had her heart out at me, not sure if she wanted to get serious or not but still wanted something with me, and I was also unsure. So why end it?

Now my head really feels like mush.
I checked Facebook and saw that Wendy's profile says she's feeling really shitty for so many reasons.
I keep wanting to call her and see if she's ok, maybe even tell her we're making a mistake...

Sigh...

Worst of all I blame myself for feeling this way because I told so many people before I could think logically (which I don't think I'm still totally there). Now if I change my mind so many people will wonder why I'm doing the opposite of what I had told them earlier. I know I should care how people judge me but I feel a bit like a fool.

This whole thing is fucked up... why can't it feel so black and white, right and wrong?