Even more craziness

Sorry I havn't had a chance to blog in a few days.
This past week has been nuts.

Not only because of all the things I previously mentioned but on top of that yesterday my brother Ira slipped on ice and shattered a bone in his hip.

He happens to work in a lab at a hospital and it happened down the street as he was leaving to go home.

A bystander helped him and called 911 for an ambulance.

He was in a lot of pain last night but he seemed better today. The worst thing is that he's devastated he has to cancel this trip he was planning for the past 6 months. The trip was an organized thing that happens once a year and he's not sure if it will be it's last year or not. On the other hand, he may miss a trip but at least it wasn't that serisous an injury that he won't be able to walk anymore.

He's having surgery done tomorrow morning.

I'm doing fine, just a bit shook up from it. My finger still hurts when I touch the tip and I can't bend my finger all the way, but soon enough it will heal fully.

Work is going ok and my boss is gone for the whole week so it's not that stressful.

I was feeling a bit down with everything that happened (Wendy, my finger, my glasses, my brother, etc.) . If there is ever a time I've felt like I needed someone to feel better, it was this past week. Part of me was temped to contact Wendy but I used my better judgment.

At the hospital, Ira's ex-wife showed up. A lot of my family members were not pleased, saying amongst themselves that her presence will only mess with my brothers head and that although she cares for him, they split and it's over.

That made me think and I realized that "needing" someone to feel better is not the best thing and that I can deal with this stuff in a better way than by calling Wendy and seeking comfort.

I have a feeling things will start to get better soon enough.

Living in Limbo

I've unfortunately had to pull in a whole weekend of overtime and haven't had a chance to write anything.

I'm actually exhausted right now and don't feel like dwelling on a whole story at the moment but thought it'd be a good time to recap a conversation I had with my brother Ira while he was driving me home from work earlier this evening.

He had asked how things went on Friday with Wendy. I've been really close to him lately, so he already knows everything that's been going on with Her and I the past couple of weeks.

I told him that the night went fine.

We hung out. We went to a book store and then a comedy show.

He asked me if it was "buddy-buddy". I don't think I would say it was buddy-buddy, per se. In the past I had a bad habit of touching Wendy a lot. Not touching her in a creepy way. I just mean stuff like holding her hand, stroking her neck etc. We were never really big on PDA. The most physical contact weld ever do in public was probably her sleeping on the bus with her head on my shoulder.

For the most part of the night, we had no physical contact at all. It felt different, but I think if we were to start over again, I'd try not to touch her as much. I think it took away from it by always having my hands on her somewhere, and not to contradict myself, but I started to feel creepy myself.

The only contact we had was when she laughed really hard at the show and rested her head on my shoulder for a couple of seconds.

Then Ira asked how the end of the night went.

I told him I dropped her off and told her that I've been thinking about us getting back together again and how she still sounded confused (as am I, so I don't blame her).

I also told him how we held hands and then she gave me a kiss tonight.

Ira asked me if I knew what would happen next.

I'm not sure what will happen next. I told Wendy that I didn't expect an answer overnight. I was thinking a lot this weekend and realized the ball is in her court.

I told her how I felt and it's now up to her to make a decision. I know that I really don't want to be the guy who starts pleading with her to get back together. Yes, I admit I've been confused lately, and yes I admit I wouldn't mind trying it again, but I truly believe I didn't do anything wrong to make me have to "win her heart back". So, if she's expecting that from me (which I highly doubt), she's not going to get it.

Also, I decided that I wouldn't call her. That I'd wait and see if she'd call me.

I told Ira that if she calls me and we talk about it and she doesn't want to continue than I 'll be fine with that since I can't force someone into something they don't want.

Then, I was about to say what I'd do if she called me but didn't bring it up, when he cut me off and said "then you'll just assume you're back together again?"

I was like "what?! NO!"

I think that is a terrible thing to think. What I was going to say was that I'd give it a little time, and although I'd like things to turn out for us, I don't want to sit and wait forever for her to make a decision and that it's important to keep track of time and know when to move on if need be.

To just assume I'm going out with her has got to be the worst decision to ever make. That would definitely cause the most heartache because If I was under that assumption but she had moved on and didn't tell me, then one day I'd find out she'd met someone new and I"d still be trying to get her rather than meet new people.

That is definitely something I'm looking to avoid.

As side note, she did call me tonight.

We had a nice long chat about nothing in particular.

Already we're talking like old times.

So the clock has started ticking. I have to make sure I keep track of where we go from her so as not to get her or disappointed if we're not going in the direction I think we are going.

Also, I noticed I stopped saying "sweet dreams" before hanging up. It's not that I wish her nasty nightmares. I guess I just want to see if she notices.

Whats wrong with my heart?

There is this show called Dexter that I like to watch. It's basically about this guy who grew up with the urge to kill people but is taught by his foster father (who is a cop) how to hone in on his urges to kill only bad people. Eventually he grows up and becomes a forensic cop. Anyways, besides the fact that character is a killer, he has no emotions, and throughout the season we see him pretending to feel emotion and react to situations. We see him fall in love with his girlfriend, care for her kids and look after his sister, but in reality he's just pretending.

Last night, I'm ashamed to say it, but I kind of felt like Dexter. No I didn't want to kill Wendy. I just couldn't find the emotion I thought I would have. I wasn't bored. I said a lot of deep things to her and meant every word but at points it felt almost forced. Here I am with this beautiful woman in my arms and I couldn't even react. I wasn't angry at her, I wasn't mad at myself, I wasn't crying. I was just holding her and couldn't get a single thought in my head.

It really scared me. It made me think that besides all the stuff going on with Wendy, that I may need to figure myself out before I get involved with someone else. I've contemplated seeing a psychologist for a while now. Maybe it's time I see one...

When I got into my house I ad a quick chat with my brother Ira and he told me I can't force feelings I think I should have to appear. I believe that, I just want to know why they're missing.

Day Two

Today I went up North with my two older brothers, Ira and Jason.

The drive up was killer. I kept getting asked questions about my New Years Eve plans and what I'd be doing with Wendy.

Having not yet actually talked to Wendy about our situation, I decided I did not want to share it with others. Especially my brothers.

In the end, I told Ira, the younger of the two. I've always felt closer to him and especially now that his wife and him divorced. His situation over the summer was a lot worse than what I'm going through and I figured he'd be a good person to talk to.

Jason, on the other hand is really immature for his age (in his 40's) and he would definitely not make me feel better or make things easier on me.

I also am starting to feel a bit of denial. I know I initially figured the best thing to do would be to breakup, but something else is tugging in my mind. I keep thinking a lot about our time together.

But it hit me hard. I keep thinking of all the good stuff.

I guess it's human nature to always remember things that make you happy and forget about the other stuff. Now I enjoy my happy memories but also try to remember why things are weird and are where they are now.

I just hope I can keep this up and stay strong and focused.