There is this show called Dexter that I like to watch. It's basically about this guy who grew up with the urge to kill people but is taught by his foster father (who is a cop) how to hone in on his urges to kill only bad people. Eventually he grows up and becomes a forensic cop. Anyways, besides the fact that character is a killer, he has no emotions, and throughout the season we see him pretending to feel emotion and react to situations. We see him fall in love with his girlfriend, care for her kids and look after his sister, but in reality he's just pretending.
Last night, I'm ashamed to say it, but I kind of felt like Dexter. No I didn't want to kill Wendy. I just couldn't find the emotion I thought I would have. I wasn't bored. I said a lot of deep things to her and meant every word but at points it felt almost forced. Here I am with this beautiful woman in my arms and I couldn't even react. I wasn't angry at her, I wasn't mad at myself, I wasn't crying. I was just holding her and couldn't get a single thought in my head.
It really scared me. It made me think that besides all the stuff going on with Wendy, that I may need to figure myself out before I get involved with someone else. I've contemplated seeing a psychologist for a while now. Maybe it's time I see one...
When I got into my house I ad a quick chat with my brother Ira and he told me I can't force feelings I think I should have to appear. I believe that, I just want to know why they're missing.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Tough Times Part 2
I'm really ranting now and may be babbling over and over the same things so I figured I'd split the rant into two posts. Please read below for part 1.
I know that deep down inside I really did not want to hurt Wendy and was afraid that even if we fixed things, what was the point in continuing if she were to fall madly in love with me and I would still feel indifferent. and I know at first she said she wasn't sure on her feelings either, but after her letting them all out, I could tell she was more attached to me than she wanted to admit.
I really wish I could have felt the same way back, but I just didn't. I really like her but this whole situation is just making me more confused than straightening out any answers.
I originally thought that I could not stay friends with her if we broke up but I never realized how much I meant to her and how much she meant to me and promised her that I would still be her friend, that I just needed a few days break from her to be by myself.
We still kept talking about "us" and the topic of sex came up. Wendy admitted that she had really wanted to do it that time she got sick, and that she wasn't drunk then but felt sick from drinking earlier. She got really upset and told me that she didn't want me to lose my virginity on a drunken night out and that she had wanted it to special. I told her I would never do it with a stranger while drunk (believe me if I had wanted to there are always ways of hooking up while drunk).
I probably kept messing with her head but I truly meant it when I said that I had grown comfortable with her and had wanted her to be my first time.
Then we did what any emotionally charged individuals would do. We made out.
It got so hot and passionate.
We weren't sure what we were doing but she said that maybe it could be a way of saying goodbye.
Another problem was we didn't have any condoms in the car. Another thing missing was logic. We both stopped thinking rationally. We even drove back to my house and played with the thought of going into my room but my mom was still up. Wendy waited in the car while I went inside and grabbed a box of condoms. We went driving again btu then both of us had to go to the bathroom and stopped at a coffee shop.
After the pit stop we went back in the car and drove back to my house since we ran out of ideas as to where to go.
We started making out again but it just wasn't going to happen. I could tell she really wanted it but I was having doubts. I really wanted to, but something just didn't feel right. Deep down, I knew I would just be playing with her feeling and mine.
This was the problem we had from the beginning and i guess it only added more to my hesitation.
We held each other again but I couldn't take it anymore. We just sat in the car and it was getting late. I was even getting sleepy. I was so angry with myself. I'm in a car having the biggest heart to heart ever and I was falling asleep. I truly thought that something was wrong with me.
I finally said that I had to go. Wendy got really upset and wanted me to not let her go. She asked me to promise her I would call her and be her friend. I did.
I held her a bit longer but then I realized it was up to me to put the action in motion.
I couldn't understand how this whole situation went from her not being sure if I was the right one for her to me having to tell her I don't love her.
I gave her one last long kiss, said good night and walked out of the car.
I looked back and she was crying her heart out.
I went inside. She was still in front for a few minutes and then drove off.
I really hope I didn't make a mistake...
I know that deep down inside I really did not want to hurt Wendy and was afraid that even if we fixed things, what was the point in continuing if she were to fall madly in love with me and I would still feel indifferent. and I know at first she said she wasn't sure on her feelings either, but after her letting them all out, I could tell she was more attached to me than she wanted to admit.
I really wish I could have felt the same way back, but I just didn't. I really like her but this whole situation is just making me more confused than straightening out any answers.
I originally thought that I could not stay friends with her if we broke up but I never realized how much I meant to her and how much she meant to me and promised her that I would still be her friend, that I just needed a few days break from her to be by myself.
We still kept talking about "us" and the topic of sex came up. Wendy admitted that she had really wanted to do it that time she got sick, and that she wasn't drunk then but felt sick from drinking earlier. She got really upset and told me that she didn't want me to lose my virginity on a drunken night out and that she had wanted it to special. I told her I would never do it with a stranger while drunk (believe me if I had wanted to there are always ways of hooking up while drunk).
I probably kept messing with her head but I truly meant it when I said that I had grown comfortable with her and had wanted her to be my first time.
Then we did what any emotionally charged individuals would do. We made out.
It got so hot and passionate.
We weren't sure what we were doing but she said that maybe it could be a way of saying goodbye.
Another problem was we didn't have any condoms in the car. Another thing missing was logic. We both stopped thinking rationally. We even drove back to my house and played with the thought of going into my room but my mom was still up. Wendy waited in the car while I went inside and grabbed a box of condoms. We went driving again btu then both of us had to go to the bathroom and stopped at a coffee shop.
After the pit stop we went back in the car and drove back to my house since we ran out of ideas as to where to go.
We started making out again but it just wasn't going to happen. I could tell she really wanted it but I was having doubts. I really wanted to, but something just didn't feel right. Deep down, I knew I would just be playing with her feeling and mine.
This was the problem we had from the beginning and i guess it only added more to my hesitation.
We held each other again but I couldn't take it anymore. We just sat in the car and it was getting late. I was even getting sleepy. I was so angry with myself. I'm in a car having the biggest heart to heart ever and I was falling asleep. I truly thought that something was wrong with me.
I finally said that I had to go. Wendy got really upset and wanted me to not let her go. She asked me to promise her I would call her and be her friend. I did.
I held her a bit longer but then I realized it was up to me to put the action in motion.
I couldn't understand how this whole situation went from her not being sure if I was the right one for her to me having to tell her I don't love her.
I gave her one last long kiss, said good night and walked out of the car.
I looked back and she was crying her heart out.
I went inside. She was still in front for a few minutes and then drove off.
I really hope I didn't make a mistake...
Tough Times
Warning: this may be a long one...
Last night was probably one of the most emotional nights in my life.
Wendy and I agreed to meet in the evening. Nothing went the way I had envisioned it.
I decided in advance that when I had to confront her it should be at a mutual place that wasn't her house or mine. Instead, I agreed for her to come pick me up at my house. I then figured we'd go to a coffee shop but she didn't want to go anywhere public, so we ended up in a parking lot.
We stayed in her car. It got so hot that we eventually took off our jackets and got really comfortable.
Since we weren't mad at each other and were just confused more than anything, we just sat and held each other for a long time and talked.
I had made a list of all the things we talked about the night before, and showed it to her. She read it over and then just held me.
I found the whole thing so hard because we knew something we wrong and we most likely weren't going to be continuing the relationship but on the other hand we never felt so close. We whispered in each others ears, and held each other tightly. At first Wendy leaned across from her seat, but eventually was on my lap facing me and holding on tight.
I don't know why but since the e-mail I got last week I've found it very hard to think. Maybe it was lack of sleep or some weird defense mechanism I have but I lost all thoughts, like my head was numb. Usually, in the past, when I worry about something, I think about it over and over again, but inside Wendy's car I wasn't.
Getting back to my situation with Wendy, throughout the night we jumped back and forth again with the thought of maybe trying not to break up. She kept asking me what I feel and I didn't know what to say. I felt... nothing. Nothing bad and nothing good. Maybe I'm in shock, I don't know. She kept saying that maybe that means I don't want to continue the relationship.
I thought about it a lot today and finally broke down in my mind what Wendy and I had told each other and a agreed on from last week leading to last night's break up:
-We dated for 10 months.
-Things were really good at the beginning but I was shy and I held back on the physical part.
-When I finally got comfortable with her, she had lost some of the attraction to me. She didn't feel passionate when I kissed her.
-I had feeling for her but was not getting a strong connection. I felt that she was pushing me away a lot. There were times she didn't have anything to tell me (we'd hang out all day and she'd barely add to the conversations) and at times she'd totally be uninterested if I tried fooling around with her.
-We never had sex. We tried a few times but there was always a different excuse and it never happened. The one time, quite recently, that we finally connected and felt really passionate for each other and I felt ready and knew I'd want to lose my virginity to her, she felt sick and ran to the washroom to throw up. She never did, but let's just say that killed the moment.
- I had wanted to tell her some thigns were bothering me but never did and kept it to myself instead.
-She finally realized something was wrong to and sent me an e-mail telling me that she's at a stage in her life that she may want to start getting serious and wasn't sure if I was the guy for it (this is before she even knew I didn't have strong feeling for her). She knew she liked me but wasn't sure if she could ever love me.
-After reading her e-mail I was totally under the impression that she had lost feeling for me.
Last night totally blew me away.
She admitted that she thought once I admitted my doubts about the relationship, we could have an easy break and leave each other with no problems. However, over the week, she realized that she did have strong feelings for me.
Throughout the night, I felt her attitude changed. First it sounded like she was unsure about her feelings to me, but there we talked about it and the more I admitted that I was confused but more leaning towards not being so into her, the more she came on stronger.
She admitted that she felt strong to me. That I was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. That she had been jerked around and hurt by a lot of guys and had never been with someone as sweet and caring as I have.
After hearing all that, I really really wanted to just say "fuck it" and stay with her and make her happy. I'm the kind of person that gets joy of making others happy. After learning that someone else things I'm special to them, just makes me want to continue that and makes me feel good and loved and special.
But it just felt wrong.
to be continued...
Last night was probably one of the most emotional nights in my life.
Wendy and I agreed to meet in the evening. Nothing went the way I had envisioned it.
I decided in advance that when I had to confront her it should be at a mutual place that wasn't her house or mine. Instead, I agreed for her to come pick me up at my house. I then figured we'd go to a coffee shop but she didn't want to go anywhere public, so we ended up in a parking lot.
We stayed in her car. It got so hot that we eventually took off our jackets and got really comfortable.
Since we weren't mad at each other and were just confused more than anything, we just sat and held each other for a long time and talked.
I had made a list of all the things we talked about the night before, and showed it to her. She read it over and then just held me.
I found the whole thing so hard because we knew something we wrong and we most likely weren't going to be continuing the relationship but on the other hand we never felt so close. We whispered in each others ears, and held each other tightly. At first Wendy leaned across from her seat, but eventually was on my lap facing me and holding on tight.
I don't know why but since the e-mail I got last week I've found it very hard to think. Maybe it was lack of sleep or some weird defense mechanism I have but I lost all thoughts, like my head was numb. Usually, in the past, when I worry about something, I think about it over and over again, but inside Wendy's car I wasn't.
Getting back to my situation with Wendy, throughout the night we jumped back and forth again with the thought of maybe trying not to break up. She kept asking me what I feel and I didn't know what to say. I felt... nothing. Nothing bad and nothing good. Maybe I'm in shock, I don't know. She kept saying that maybe that means I don't want to continue the relationship.
I thought about it a lot today and finally broke down in my mind what Wendy and I had told each other and a agreed on from last week leading to last night's break up:
-We dated for 10 months.
-Things were really good at the beginning but I was shy and I held back on the physical part.
-When I finally got comfortable with her, she had lost some of the attraction to me. She didn't feel passionate when I kissed her.
-I had feeling for her but was not getting a strong connection. I felt that she was pushing me away a lot. There were times she didn't have anything to tell me (we'd hang out all day and she'd barely add to the conversations) and at times she'd totally be uninterested if I tried fooling around with her.
-We never had sex. We tried a few times but there was always a different excuse and it never happened. The one time, quite recently, that we finally connected and felt really passionate for each other and I felt ready and knew I'd want to lose my virginity to her, she felt sick and ran to the washroom to throw up. She never did, but let's just say that killed the moment.
- I had wanted to tell her some thigns were bothering me but never did and kept it to myself instead.
-She finally realized something was wrong to and sent me an e-mail telling me that she's at a stage in her life that she may want to start getting serious and wasn't sure if I was the guy for it (this is before she even knew I didn't have strong feeling for her). She knew she liked me but wasn't sure if she could ever love me.
-After reading her e-mail I was totally under the impression that she had lost feeling for me.
Last night totally blew me away.
She admitted that she thought once I admitted my doubts about the relationship, we could have an easy break and leave each other with no problems. However, over the week, she realized that she did have strong feelings for me.
Throughout the night, I felt her attitude changed. First it sounded like she was unsure about her feelings to me, but there we talked about it and the more I admitted that I was confused but more leaning towards not being so into her, the more she came on stronger.
She admitted that she felt strong to me. That I was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. That she had been jerked around and hurt by a lot of guys and had never been with someone as sweet and caring as I have.
After hearing all that, I really really wanted to just say "fuck it" and stay with her and make her happy. I'm the kind of person that gets joy of making others happy. After learning that someone else things I'm special to them, just makes me want to continue that and makes me feel good and loved and special.
But it just felt wrong.
to be continued...
It's over
It's official.
After four hours of talking, we broke up.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I feel like the feelings I should have are not there.
After four hours of talking, we broke up.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I feel like the feelings I should have are not there.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Talk
Well, for the most part of the day I did not think of Wendy.
During the evening, though I was talking to a friend online. She knew what was going on with Wendy and I and was asking me how I was doing. I told her I had become really confused and that I know long was absolutely certain that I would break up with Wendy. I got pretty angry talking to her because she was basically telling me that I already said I'd break up with Wendy and that I'm just fooling myself to think I want to stay with he. She then started to list all the things that had been bothering me in my relationship.
That's all nice and dandy but it really got me to think that this is my relationship with girlfriend. I know she was just giving me advice so as not to get hurt, but I don't think there is a rule about when you make a decision you can't have second doubts. It made me realize that I really need to figure things out for myself and that no one can give me the answers I'm looking for except perhaps Wendy herself.
I also realized that I was starting to think of Wendy as a bad guy. Like I was using every excuse to have something to be mad at her for. For example, she text messaged me to tell me her plane was late and my initial thought was "Ugh. She's just being nice to me and pretending like nothing is wrong". This made me realize, though, that she hadn't done anything wrong to me and it was quite clear that we both were having doubts about our relationship, so I had no reason to be mad at her.
Those two key points above made me realize that I was ready to talk with her.
The original plan was to see her tonight, but with the bad weather and the delayed flight, it never happened.
She initially called me while i was watching a movie and sounded quite pleasant and happy to hear me. I kind of came off as a jerk at first when she asked me a question about something I already answered the night before when she was drunk, to which I replied "do you remember anything from last ". It sounded really harsh but I was referring to more of the fact if she meant all the stuff she told me, or if it was all just a drunken rant that she has no recollection about. Thankfully, I found out later it was the former.
I called her after the movie. It started as chit chat and quickly dived into a serious talk. I think I started it but getting really upset and even started to cry a little. She started to cry as well. A lot.
After about a full year together we finally had our first talk and really let it all out. The talk lasted for about 3 hours. During the talk we:
- Got to talk about the things that were bothering us about the relationship or other person
- Established that upon reading my e-mail reply to her own, that she originally wanted to end the relationship clean slate. However, during the week she found out that she really hard stronger feeling for me and may not want to end the relationship after all.
-I admitted to her as well that I really wanted to end the relationship after all.
-Discussed the positive and negative reasons of why we think we should or shouldn't' stay together.
-What we were expecting from the relationship and what was missing.
-The possibilities of introducing or replacing the missing or bad things.
In the end, after 3 hours, we still haven't figured out that we are both on the same page. We both have problems with the relationship and are afraid to keep it going in the result that we may either hurt the other or both be hurt. We also think that it may be worth at least trying to fix things and see from there if this really is what we want or not. In the end, not trying just for fear of hurting the other person doesn't really sound like a valid reason.
The more I keep thinking about it the more I keep realizing that I do like Wendy and that my fear of getting too involved with my first girlfriend may have held me back a bit.
In the end we didn't come up with a solution but totally exhausted all possibilities and the result that can occur from those possibilities. We agreed to see each other tomorrow and see how we react in person. This meeting may make or break our relationship.
A lot of my friends would probably say I could be making a mistake but I've come to realize that in the end it's my decision and if I make a mistake well than I'll just have to deal with it, but I'll never know unless I try.
We'll see how I feel after tomorrow.
During the evening, though I was talking to a friend online. She knew what was going on with Wendy and I and was asking me how I was doing. I told her I had become really confused and that I know long was absolutely certain that I would break up with Wendy. I got pretty angry talking to her because she was basically telling me that I already said I'd break up with Wendy and that I'm just fooling myself to think I want to stay with he. She then started to list all the things that had been bothering me in my relationship.
That's all nice and dandy but it really got me to think that this is my relationship with girlfriend. I know she was just giving me advice so as not to get hurt, but I don't think there is a rule about when you make a decision you can't have second doubts. It made me realize that I really need to figure things out for myself and that no one can give me the answers I'm looking for except perhaps Wendy herself.
I also realized that I was starting to think of Wendy as a bad guy. Like I was using every excuse to have something to be mad at her for. For example, she text messaged me to tell me her plane was late and my initial thought was "Ugh. She's just being nice to me and pretending like nothing is wrong". This made me realize, though, that she hadn't done anything wrong to me and it was quite clear that we both were having doubts about our relationship, so I had no reason to be mad at her.
Those two key points above made me realize that I was ready to talk with her.
The original plan was to see her tonight, but with the bad weather and the delayed flight, it never happened.
She initially called me while i was watching a movie and sounded quite pleasant and happy to hear me. I kind of came off as a jerk at first when she asked me a question about something I already answered the night before when she was drunk, to which I replied "do you remember anything from last ". It sounded really harsh but I was referring to more of the fact if she meant all the stuff she told me, or if it was all just a drunken rant that she has no recollection about. Thankfully, I found out later it was the former.
I called her after the movie. It started as chit chat and quickly dived into a serious talk. I think I started it but getting really upset and even started to cry a little. She started to cry as well. A lot.
After about a full year together we finally had our first talk and really let it all out. The talk lasted for about 3 hours. During the talk we:
- Got to talk about the things that were bothering us about the relationship or other person
- Established that upon reading my e-mail reply to her own, that she originally wanted to end the relationship clean slate. However, during the week she found out that she really hard stronger feeling for me and may not want to end the relationship after all.
-I admitted to her as well that I really wanted to end the relationship after all.
-Discussed the positive and negative reasons of why we think we should or shouldn't' stay together.
-What we were expecting from the relationship and what was missing.
-The possibilities of introducing or replacing the missing or bad things.
In the end, after 3 hours, we still haven't figured out that we are both on the same page. We both have problems with the relationship and are afraid to keep it going in the result that we may either hurt the other or both be hurt. We also think that it may be worth at least trying to fix things and see from there if this really is what we want or not. In the end, not trying just for fear of hurting the other person doesn't really sound like a valid reason.
The more I keep thinking about it the more I keep realizing that I do like Wendy and that my fear of getting too involved with my first girlfriend may have held me back a bit.
In the end we didn't come up with a solution but totally exhausted all possibilities and the result that can occur from those possibilities. We agreed to see each other tomorrow and see how we react in person. This meeting may make or break our relationship.
A lot of my friends would probably say I could be making a mistake but I've come to realize that in the end it's my decision and if I make a mistake well than I'll just have to deal with it, but I'll never know unless I try.
We'll see how I feel after tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
2008 - Drama Galore
During University and even a couple of years after graduating, I used to view New Years Eve as a night to go out with friends, get wasted and deep down inside meet a girl and even a kiss on the stroke of midnight (The first time I had kissed a girl was at age 23 - my last year at University).
The past few years, I started to feel like it was losing its appeal. Maybe I was just getting older.
I really did not enjoy my New Years Eve partying last year and felt this year I didn't really want to make a big deal about it.
For a while, as the month of January was approaching, I thought this New Years would be different because I'd be spending it with Wendy. I had never had someone special to spend NYE with and maybe it could have a been a special night.
Instead, my night ended up being part fun spent with very close friends and part full of drama on my phone.
I ended up working all day until 5pm. Afterwards I met up with my good friends Maynard, Spider Dude and his girlfriend Luscious Linda. Spider Dude and Luscious Linda are living together in Oz and Maynard is ready to embark on a 2 year journey in SA, so I decided I wanted to spend my last night of 2007 with them and just enjoy myself rather than sit home all night with my parents and mope about Wendy.
For the most part the night was a fun. I was exhausted though and the shitty thing was my friends mistook that as me being depressed about Wendy and kept asking me if i was okay and wanted to talk about it.
I didn't really want to just rant about her all night but I ended up having a couple of conversations about her. One in particular really confused me. Spider Dude brought it up that I may be thinking about this all wrong. That it may not be that Wendy wants to be in a deeper relationship but just not with me. He thinks she really likes me a lot and is afraid that I'm the one who's not ready for a deeper relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that I"m still terrified by the fact of settling down now with the first girl I dated. However, part of me would like to see what would happen if we were to fix things and see where we go from there. So I"m still not sure if I really want to end things.
I'm just not sure were Wendy is coming from. And last night only confused me more.
At Midnight, I got a call from her. I was expecting one and was actually quite happy to see her name pop up on my phone.
I picked up and she sounded happy to hear me. She wished me a happy New Year and asked how I was doing. Then she told me a few times that she missed me. I could tell she sounded a bit giddy on the phone and then I got he to admit she'd been drinking.
It's nearly impossible to judge someone when they've been drinking. I've learned from experience (or being drunk and talking to others who are drunk) that either something you don't mean are said to sound sincere (ex: "you're so hot! Let's make out!", or, things you truly mean to but normally would keep to yourself are said (Ex, from Psycho Girl - "I just want to be with you until I meet someone else").
I'm not sure which applies to Wendy.
I truly liked that she called but felt more confused than ever. That didn't stop me from enjoying the rest of my night. I had been at a Russian traditional New Years party for the countdown (watching Putin on TV and toasting the Russian way) when Wendy called, and after wards my friends and I went to Local Coffee shop.
Local Coffee Shop is blessed to have a giant front window with big wooden chairs facing it. So we sat down for an hour making fun of all the dunk people running around. It was quick entertaining.
I got home at 3am and was ready for bed when the phone rang.
It was Wendy.
She sounded pretty drunk on the phone.
She kept saying that she missed me and we talked a bit. Then things got awkward and we started to talk about us. She started to get real deep and asked me "What do I want?". Being completely lost on feelings through the night, I didn't really know what to say right there and then and also figured talking to a Drunk Wendy about it not being the best of things either. I just told her I wanted to hug her.
She started to cry. She kept saying she wanted to see me when she gets in tonight and that she was very confused. When I said the same thing, she just cried more.
I know that it may be good to be the "tough guy" and not try to be all "it's ok, I"m there for you" wimpy guy, but I didn't see the point of being angry or something else at her at that moment, and I just assured her that I was not mad and genuinely wanted to see her.
She made me promise I'd see her tonight and I said yes.
I'm hoping to spend this whole day not worrying about tonight and hopefully my true feelings and common sense will help me when I talk her tonight.
The past few years, I started to feel like it was losing its appeal. Maybe I was just getting older.
I really did not enjoy my New Years Eve partying last year and felt this year I didn't really want to make a big deal about it.
For a while, as the month of January was approaching, I thought this New Years would be different because I'd be spending it with Wendy. I had never had someone special to spend NYE with and maybe it could have a been a special night.
Instead, my night ended up being part fun spent with very close friends and part full of drama on my phone.
I ended up working all day until 5pm. Afterwards I met up with my good friends Maynard, Spider Dude and his girlfriend Luscious Linda. Spider Dude and Luscious Linda are living together in Oz and Maynard is ready to embark on a 2 year journey in SA, so I decided I wanted to spend my last night of 2007 with them and just enjoy myself rather than sit home all night with my parents and mope about Wendy.
For the most part the night was a fun. I was exhausted though and the shitty thing was my friends mistook that as me being depressed about Wendy and kept asking me if i was okay and wanted to talk about it.
I didn't really want to just rant about her all night but I ended up having a couple of conversations about her. One in particular really confused me. Spider Dude brought it up that I may be thinking about this all wrong. That it may not be that Wendy wants to be in a deeper relationship but just not with me. He thinks she really likes me a lot and is afraid that I'm the one who's not ready for a deeper relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that I"m still terrified by the fact of settling down now with the first girl I dated. However, part of me would like to see what would happen if we were to fix things and see where we go from there. So I"m still not sure if I really want to end things.
I'm just not sure were Wendy is coming from. And last night only confused me more.
At Midnight, I got a call from her. I was expecting one and was actually quite happy to see her name pop up on my phone.
I picked up and she sounded happy to hear me. She wished me a happy New Year and asked how I was doing. Then she told me a few times that she missed me. I could tell she sounded a bit giddy on the phone and then I got he to admit she'd been drinking.
It's nearly impossible to judge someone when they've been drinking. I've learned from experience (or being drunk and talking to others who are drunk) that either something you don't mean are said to sound sincere (ex: "you're so hot! Let's make out!", or, things you truly mean to but normally would keep to yourself are said (Ex, from Psycho Girl - "I just want to be with you until I meet someone else").
I'm not sure which applies to Wendy.
I truly liked that she called but felt more confused than ever. That didn't stop me from enjoying the rest of my night. I had been at a Russian traditional New Years party for the countdown (watching Putin on TV and toasting the Russian way) when Wendy called, and after wards my friends and I went to Local Coffee shop.
Local Coffee Shop is blessed to have a giant front window with big wooden chairs facing it. So we sat down for an hour making fun of all the dunk people running around. It was quick entertaining.
I got home at 3am and was ready for bed when the phone rang.
It was Wendy.
She sounded pretty drunk on the phone.
She kept saying that she missed me and we talked a bit. Then things got awkward and we started to talk about us. She started to get real deep and asked me "What do I want?". Being completely lost on feelings through the night, I didn't really know what to say right there and then and also figured talking to a Drunk Wendy about it not being the best of things either. I just told her I wanted to hug her.
She started to cry. She kept saying she wanted to see me when she gets in tonight and that she was very confused. When I said the same thing, she just cried more.
I know that it may be good to be the "tough guy" and not try to be all "it's ok, I"m there for you" wimpy guy, but I didn't see the point of being angry or something else at her at that moment, and I just assured her that I was not mad and genuinely wanted to see her.
She made me promise I'd see her tonight and I said yes.
I'm hoping to spend this whole day not worrying about tonight and hopefully my true feelings and common sense will help me when I talk her tonight.
The End?
It's the end of another year and it is now time to welcome 2008.
I'm more confused than ever...
I'm more confused than ever...
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