Same ol' Elwood

For the first time in a long time, I was at a party and had a lot of fun.

A friend of mine, Persia, was throwing a house party tonight to celebrate the Iranian New Years (she's Iranian).

At first I was in a corner talking to the only friends of mine who were there besides the people who live there (I'm friends with both roomates) but then I moved to the central part of the party to mingle with others.

I ended up talking to two guys (Guy #1 and Guy #2) for a while until this girl (a friend of Guy #2) showed up and sat next to me. I'll call her Sheira because she kept talking about He-man all night.

All three people were really cool and Sheira wasn't really giving me any more attention than the other 2 guys but she was kind of joking around with me, poked me a few times, etc. She even offered me one of her beers (I only sipped one all night because I was driving).

I got up for a while and mingled, which allowed one of the Guy #1 to move closer to her.

I didn't intend to do anything, but I ended up sitting back where I was before and may or may not have cock blocked the guy. He finished his sentence to Sheira and then gave me a wink.

I have no idea what that meant but first thing I thought was him gesturing "you should go for her,s he's yours, I stand down". Now I know that is a lot to gather from a wink, but thats what it felt like. So, I offered to move but Sheira was ok with me staying, saying I wasn't intruding on anything.

At one point Sheira commented that I like to smile a lot.

She was probably looking at me from time to time, but I'm so bashful when it comes to talking to women that I tend to stare away a lot, so I'll never know if we could have had an eye locking moment or not. I think I need to work on that in the future.

We all kept hanging out for a couple of hours talking about all kinds of stuff. The others were pretty drunk but now everyone was winding down, losing their buzz and just getting tired.

Being the nice guy I am, since they were fun people, I offered Guy #2 and Sheira a ride to their places (Guy #1 went home already).

Guy #2 was closer, so I dropped him off and was alone with Sheira.

We got a chance to talk some more. Sheira had just moved to My City recently and ended up being in the same lab group as Persia, which is how they know each other and explains how Sheira got to the party.


I can't remember how, but I ended up saying that she was a likable person and she seemed to like that comment (well, who wouldn't?)

Now here's where I wonder if I could have done something.

We commented on the time and how tired we both were. She then asked if I wanted some coffee so I wouldn't fall asleep (in a sort of "I'm kidding but seriously" kind of way).

I could have said yes, but it was late (1:30am) and I couldn't tell if she offered more for her safety or because she wanted to hang out a bit more. She told me she wanted to repay me for the lift and it would be her treat.

I said I was fine and ended up driving her straight home.

She said she had fun, that it was nice meeting me and would see me around.

I was tempted to tell her that since we never went for that coffee, would she like to some other time, but instead, in a typical Elwood fashion, I just chuckled and said "ok".

I wasn't trying to do anything but I wonder if I came across as completely not interested (as in to never talk to her again).

I think she may have had a little thing for me but I'm so bad at these things.

I'm still tempted to joke about a raincheck on facebook (I found her profile through Persia's facebook page) and ask her for coffee but decided to wait until tomorrow.

I need to come across more suave I think.

Let's talk about sex... or lack of

I've mentioned it a few times in past post, but to bring everyone up to speed:

I am a virgin.

Don't worry, I am not ashamed about it and am aware that there is nothing wrong with it. I'm just curious as to why it hasn't happened yet. I've had multiple opportunities but I never went for them. I guess I partly blame movies for that because I am brain washed to think my first time is going to be this magical moment with someone special and maybe "waiting for the right moment" has been the cause for my lateness.

Let's look at my time line:

The first time I'm sure I could have had sex, it didn't happen because I was shy and inexperienced. Instead it just became the night I had my first kiss.

Then there the couple of chances I had with Psycho Girl. That I chose not to do anything because deep inside I didn't want to get involved with her that way and I'm just not the kind of guy to have had sex with her just for the sex. I need feeling too, I knew she didn't really care for me at all.

One time though, we were alone in her apartment talking and i can't remember how but the topic about sex in general came up and she started to get a bit nervous it seemed. Then I made a joke as I was really to leave with her to play pool and said "let's go" but pointing to her bedroom and not the front door.

She looked at me for a few seconds and then I got up and walked to the front door to really leave and she just said "oh..." and looked a little confused. When I asked if she was ok she replied "yeah, it must be... my hormones...".

I kicked myself for weeks because of that. She was SO hot. But like i said, she caused more trouble than anything so it was a good thing she didn't mess with my head in that way either.

A couple of years later I went traveling to Australia for a year.

I spent a whole year over seas and met tons of people and not once had sex. They say the chances of having sex while traveling increases because everyone is on vacation and knows it wont' last for ever so they do wild things.

Again, I just was looking for sex and didn't want a drunken one night stand so I went a whole year away and had no sex.

My next chances were with Wendy.

I was so nervous at the beginning of our relationship that the lack of sex is what probably screwed things up.

A month went by before we fooled around and probably in the second month was when we tried it the first time. She was on top of me and said "are you ready?". I reached for a condom. I was so nervous, I took the condom and said "What do I do now?" and she said "you're not ready...".

After that I didn't want to keep pushing. I didn't want her to think that all I wanted to do was have sex.

I was afraid that once we did it, all we'd do was have sex and make it a weekly thing.

How often do couples have sex?

Another factor was that we both lived with our parents.

I got more to say but i"m exhausted... been busy at work. Almost got fired for missing a deadline (sort of, in a jokingly but serious - don't do it again or else! - kind of way).

I'll write some more later.

Woman = shallow!

So I've been checking out a couple of internet dating sites this past week.
I'm starting to get the feeling my little goal of meeting 10 people is a lot harder than I thought.

Initially I figured I'd e-mail/message a bunch of people online, go on a date with a whole bunch of people and after a bunch (i.e. 10) different people, I'd really have an idea of whats out there and what I want.

In theory that sounds easy but it'll only work if someone writes back to me!

I have no idea if it's my profile, my pictures or what I'm writing to these people but on one site, out of 15 people I contacted, no one wrote back.

A couple of women didn't even open the message (on this particular site it says if the message has been read, unread, read deleted and unread deleted).

One person I messaged, even though her criteria interested me, I only messaged her because I saw she lived where I want to move to and all I asked in the message was how it is to live in the area and if she has any advice.

She didn't even open it! She just deleted it, most likely based on my pictures.

I don't see whats so wrong about them, maybe their just a bit too goofy?

Currently my pictures are:
1. A close up of my head and shoulders at 3/4 view so you can see I have a goatee
2. A picture of me standing in a t-shirt holding something (you can see I"m skinny)
3. A picture of my with a goofy smile and 6 drinks in front of me
4. A picture of my holding my shirt open, revealing that I"m Spiderman (my friend made me wear that to the Spiderman 3 premiere)
5. A picture of me wearing a shirt dressed as a tree (I thought it was cute)
6. A picture of me drunk playing air guitar with a co worker

I don't have anything better and I figured some fun pictures would show my fun side. If the people I message would at least contact me they'd find out I'm not a bad guy.

I think that online dating is 99% on looks and I laugh when I message someone I don't even find that pretty but say to myself "I shouldn't single out people because of a photo" and then they dont' get back to me.

Maybe I"m going about this all wrong... I might take a break for a few days to calm down.

Classification

So I recently decided to start checking out online dating sites again.
There is this particular free one, plentyoffish.com that I've been checking out the past couple of day.

One thing I hate about online dating (and I guess dating in general) is how we have to classify our body type.

The website offers few choices:
Thin,
Athletic
Average
Slightly overweight
Big and tall/BBW

I'll admit there are a lot of large people on the website. Some put average, which I think it awful because I'm sorry, but you don't look average. Then there are those who write prefer not to say which is dumb because that automatically says you're ashamed to talk about your weight.

I truly admire those who list themselves as a few extra pounds. At least they are honest with themselves and not ashamed of how they look.


Now i"ll be honest, I am not really attracted to large women. It may have something to do with the fact that I"m such a skinny guy. However, I'm not only attracted to super skinny model types. I"ve been attracted to several people who are cuddly. Just because the person lists themselves as slightly overweight doesn't mean I won't consider messaging them if they have a pretty face and something interesting to say.

But it's crazy how I saw pictures of people from skinny to quite large all listing themselves as average! Do they mean the avergae skinney/middle/large person? What is average these days?

GFTOW

I would like to thank altijdprij and leigh (my only audience??) for the support and advice recently.

I looked up what GFTOW stood for and found out it's Go Fuck (Find) Ten Other Women. I read up about it and although I don't believe that i have one-itis (stuck on one woman) or an extreme case of it I think I'm going to try GFTOW.

I've given it some thought, and although I'm not the kind of guy who would go and have sex with 10 random girls (I'm still trying for one!), I've decided I'm going to try and go on a date with 10 different people and write about each date on this blog.

I figure, after meeting 10 different people, it will give me a chance to figure out what I want and find important in a relationship and significant other. Also, it'll be great material for this blog.

Everyone wins!

Most importantly I want to just have some fun!

Just a warning though, I don't know how long it'll take me to meet 10 girls. Heck it may take forever for me to even get one date, but we'll see.

Right now I'll start with the online approach but if I meet people in person that'll do too.

Also, YES, I do want to borrow The Game from you Leigh. I was going ot buy it but if you're willing ot lend it to me, you're saving me 40$!

Progress

This past week has been pretty crazy.

One thing that was bothering me was that Wendy had her birthday party this past Saturday. I was actually at a bar around the corner from her planned party.

I went out with the intentions to not think about her and have some fun.


For the most part, no fun was had at all.

I was at a bar with Body Builder but he ended up chatting up a much older, drunken woman. I was tired of waiting around and we had planned to go to a house party together, so I convinced him I"d head there early and meet him there.

On the way to the party I bought 6 pack case of beer. I arrived at the apartment, ring the bell and no answer.

I called the person. No answer.

So I bailed early and went home at 11:30pm.

I ended up staying up with Ira until 2am looking on online dating sites for potential dates (for both of us).

Actually, I recently decided to give internet dating a shot again and spent the night before updating my "online profile". This is what I came up with:

"Hey! I'm a super outgoing, funny and all around good guy (I give my seat on the bus to little old ladies). I've always got a smile on my face and get great joy out of making others laugh. My current hobbies include playing acoustic guitar, performing improvisational comedy (think Whose Line Is It Anyway), reading all kinds of books (fantasy, biographies, fiction) and playing floor hockey. I have a secret love for dressing up and am known to go a bit overboard when Halloween comes around. I am a graphic designer and I lived in Australia for a full year. I loved traveling and wish I could do it again, sooner than later.

Just putting myself out there to meet new and interesting people. I'd like to hang out with someone who can make me laugh at all the silly things they do, introduce me to new rock bands, and just walk and talk around the city for hours. Hey, if anything were to blossom from that, then bonus."

I already got a message from someone who contacted me out of the blue. We wrote back and forth twice so far but then I realized she's living in Vermont and she hasn't wrote back since.

Also, yesterday I saw pictures of Wendy's birthday party and it actually didn't bother me at all. In fact, I feel bad saying this, but after looking at her pictures, I didn't even find her as attractive as I once did.

I guess I'm on the right track to moving on...

Even more craziness

Sorry I havn't had a chance to blog in a few days.
This past week has been nuts.

Not only because of all the things I previously mentioned but on top of that yesterday my brother Ira slipped on ice and shattered a bone in his hip.

He happens to work in a lab at a hospital and it happened down the street as he was leaving to go home.

A bystander helped him and called 911 for an ambulance.

He was in a lot of pain last night but he seemed better today. The worst thing is that he's devastated he has to cancel this trip he was planning for the past 6 months. The trip was an organized thing that happens once a year and he's not sure if it will be it's last year or not. On the other hand, he may miss a trip but at least it wasn't that serisous an injury that he won't be able to walk anymore.

He's having surgery done tomorrow morning.

I'm doing fine, just a bit shook up from it. My finger still hurts when I touch the tip and I can't bend my finger all the way, but soon enough it will heal fully.

Work is going ok and my boss is gone for the whole week so it's not that stressful.

I was feeling a bit down with everything that happened (Wendy, my finger, my glasses, my brother, etc.) . If there is ever a time I've felt like I needed someone to feel better, it was this past week. Part of me was temped to contact Wendy but I used my better judgment.

At the hospital, Ira's ex-wife showed up. A lot of my family members were not pleased, saying amongst themselves that her presence will only mess with my brothers head and that although she cares for him, they split and it's over.

That made me think and I realized that "needing" someone to feel better is not the best thing and that I can deal with this stuff in a better way than by calling Wendy and seeking comfort.

I have a feeling things will start to get better soon enough.

What a hellish week

This week has been pretty insane. Before I begin ranting I just want you to know that I'm fine and I am still in good spirits. All in all, my week wasn't THAT bad. I wasn't suicidally depressed or anything, it's just when you put it all together, one can only say"Man! What a horrible week!".

Well where do I begin?

First off I've been really tired a lot lately. Work has become very busy lately. It's unavoidable, but we've been doing EVERYTHING last minute and all the extra hours and skipping lunches didn't help much.

As mentioned earlier this week, I was feeling a bit down over the whole Wendy thing. I have no intention of getting back together with her or have initiated anything silly (like changing my mind and going to her party tonight). I think it's just totally normal to reflect on the past when you were with someone and in turn feel a little lonely. My friend Maynard told me that it took him 6 months to get over a girl once.

On Monday it took me an extra hour to get to work. I waited and waited for my bus that never came. It got so cold waiting outside I decided to take the subway which takes a lot longer but didn't care.

Tuesday sucked because I was approached by my boss that he needed something due the next day that previously took me several days to complete. I knew that the first time it took me longer than it should have so I was confident I could finish in time.

I did finish it in time but I needed to bring it home and worked on it until 11pm so I was pretty exhausted.

Wednesday was probably the only pretty good day off my week. I went to floor hockey and although I felt tired, my team mates said I played really well. Alas, I missed scoring like 30 times! (I'm not that good a player but improved a lot since starting this year).

After Wednesday came Thursday (it usually does, I think...). The Squeamish beware:
I woke up Thursday morning and felt exhausted. I don't know why but I was (maybe from work?).

I arrived to work like every other day at around 8am. I settled in and ate a couple of pieces of cheese with an OJ juice box (thisis my breakfast) .

At 8:40am I began working. I needed desperately to change some labels on some samples so they could be mailed properly to a customer. I printed out the new labels and began to cut them out.

At 8:50am, I was daydreaming (I can't remember what, part of me thinks it may have been Wendy but I think I was just out in space about anything) and accidently sliced off the tip of my middle finger.

I immediately calmy gt of my seat, walked to the first person I saw (which happened to be my bosses Partner and his Sales Rep) and interrupted their conversation saying "I cut myself badly and don't know what to do..."

Turns out Sales Rep cut off a whole finger 5 years ago so she knew how to take care of me.

She took my finger and cleaned it up. I finally looked and noticed that I chopped off a tiny piece of my finger. She told me I went through "The 3 layers of skin and can see a little meat" but assured I was fine. She told me to put pressure o nit until the bleeding stopped, which will be 10 minutes.

Forty minutes later, it was still bleeding. By then my boss showed up. He was really concerned and put in a cab to the hospital.

I got there at 10am and around 10:30 I saw the nurse. She gave me clean piece of gauze (which turned red quickly) and sent me to the waiting room.

I was pretty pissed I couldn't read my book (Douglas Coupland's Girl In A Coma) because I needed to use my good hand to put pressure on the bad one.

I waited about 5 hours until I saw a doctor.

Inside, I met the residence doctor who didn't seem to know what to do. She took of my bandage and blood started to dripped all over the place.

She left and returned with the doctor and a high school student who is on observation of how it is to be a doctor.

The doctor was a really great guy. A young guy, sounded competent and really funny. He proceeds to remove my bandage and then we hear a noise.

The doctor asked what happened and the resident said she saw the student trip. The doctor approaches the student and 10 seconds later he faints!

Twenty minutes later the doctor is back.

He froze my finger, made a mock turnicate with a rubber glove and cauterized the wound with silver nitrate.

6 hours after arriving, I left th e hospital with a nice big bandage on my finger.

Friday was not that much better.

I didn't cut any fingers, but I had a deadline for the end of the day. My finger hurt and then halfway through the day my glasses spontaneously broke! The lens fell out and there was a piece of metal that was no longer attached together.

That didn't make my day any easier. I had to put scotch tape on the lens and it gave me a tiny headache.

Well at least today is Saturday.

Tonight is Wendy's party. I'm not going. I'm hoping to find something to do to keep my mind off of it.

Shitty Week

This week sucks.

Work has been stressful.

I'm tried and unmotivated.

I keep thinking of Wendy...

A more productive (and possibly happier post) to come whenI got more free time.

The follow up

Thank you all for your advice!

I genuinely took in altijdprijs and Leigh's advice but in the end, I decided to lean more towards JRM's approach (which was very similar to what my good friend Spider Dude told me the other day) and I e-mailed Wendy this short message:


Hey,
I saw the invite and understood it as genuine, but I thought about it a lot and don;t think it is a good idea if i attend. It feels too soon and I'm not ready yet.

Have a happy birthday.

Elwood

I almost didn't write anything because at first I didn't know what to write and then I got busy this weekend and was away from home.

I then decided to keep it short, stressing the point that I want space and sounded pleasant enough all at once.

Perhaps had it been 6 months since I last spoke to her i would have considered it but it has only been like 2 weeks.

I'll never know what she's thinking but to me it seems like she wants to ensure i"m not mad at her. I don't blame her. I'm the kind of person who hates to know if someone has bad feelings towards me. On the other hand, I"m not sure why she would think that I did.

I find it funny how we have second thoughts on things that we know never work out. Like say she decided maybe she really does miss me and wants me there, what would that do? Not much. Things didn't work out when we were together or when we tried getting back together so why the need for me to be around?

Soon enough we'll get over each other and then laugh to ourselves about how silly all this drama is.

Freakiness followed by dilemma-ness

I found it extremely freaky how on many occasions it felt like Wendy could read my mind. I'd be able to make a corny joke and she'd beat me to it. I'd have a plan on what I wanted to do and she'd agree with me before I'd even mention what I wanted to do next.

Once I heard a song and told her I couldn't remember the name of the group. Twenty minutes later, as we're walking, I was staring into space, not saying a word and she turns to me and says "Stop trying to remember the name of the group!".

Now, in an extremely supernatural way, she's done it again without even knowing it.

Just yesterday I was commenting on how I received an open invite by her via Facebook for her birthday.

I pegged it down to her knowing I would come under better circumstances and inviting me anyways to le me know I'm welcomed to come even though I most likely will not.

Turns out I was right.

She sent me an e-mail this evening basically making it clear that didn't invite me to be polite, but that she genuinely would like it for me to come. She assured that she meant it when she said she hopes we can remain friends, that I was a huge part of her life in the past year and that it's also okay if I choose not to come.

Like I said, freaky!

Maybe she reads this blog? Or she hacks into my computer? Or she can really read my mind!

In any case, I still have decided not to go. If I show up, no matter what, we'll just screw each other up badly. Ex's + Parties + Alcohol = Bad News (and sometimes babies).

I think she'll have a better birthday without me being there.

Now my dilemma is:
1. Do I reply to her e-mail to let her know I agree with her but still will not be coming or
2. Just ignore it to not break the silence

I'm veering more towards 1 because it sounds more like the right thing to do. That was she knows i still care for her but just need time and not come across as a jerk. However, I'm afraid if I do that then she may think I"m ready to "be friends" all of a sudden, which I'm not. I think I need to meet a few new people before I start hanging out with Wendy again.

What do you guys think?
Come on now, don't all shout at once!

A little drama never hurt anyone

It's funny because although everyone would rather avoid having drama in their life, these past few days haven't been very exciting and I was wondering (maybe in a weird way hoping) something would happen involving Wendy.

And it did.

I got an invitation from her to attend her Birthday on Facebook. (On a side note, I find it hilarious how Facebook has become this huge cultural phenomenon, soon enough it will be a word in the dictionary).

Although, some people would probably say it's being obsessive, it's kind of fun to analyze things to there fullest:

-I got invited to Wendy's birthday by Wendy

-It wasn't a personal invite, but through an Events page on Facebook

-At first i thought that maybe she just invited her whole friends list but then noticed she has 300 friends and only invited 40, so my invite probably isn't an accident

-She could genuinely want me to come. I know she's known to stay close friends with her ex-boyfriends.

[Funny thing - I actually met one of her ex-boyfriends on her birthday last year. We were at a noisy bar on St Patrick's Day (that's Wendy's birthday - pretty cool) it had only been about a month that i knew Wendy and I was trying to be friendly with her friends:
Elwood - "Hey how's it going?"
Wendy's friends - "Good, I'm a little sick"
Elwood - "That's too bad. So how do you know Wendy?"
Wendy's friend - "We used to date. How do you know Wendy?"
Elwood - "Oh... that's cool... um.... we're sort of... dating... now..."
Turned out he wasn't her most recent boyfriend (phew!) but a guy she dated 3 years ago. He ended up being a really cool guy. ]

-She could be testing the waters to see if if I'd come or not, wondering what I'm thinking.

-She could just be being polite, knowing I would come under better circumstances, not expect me to come but invited me anyways to let me know I'm still welcomed.

In any case, I'm definitely not going to go.

I'm trying to make a point that we move on. Me going would just make things super awkward. All her friends will be wondering whats going on (Wendy's a pretty private person to begin with so her friends must be dying for some gossip). She may get the wrong idea. I may get the wrong idea.

Plus, she'll probably start drinking and then most likely do something she doesn't want to do like flirt with me or even try to kiss me. I'd just make things more awkward than ever. I'm not the kind of guy who would go with it and then say "oh well she's drunk, I can fool around and then go back to not seeing her again, wasn't my fault she got drunk. She wanted it!".

No I'm not like that. I'd feel too guilty.

I may be completely off, but I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from her on her birthday after a night of drinking (maybe even just a text message), but I'm probably getting way ahead of myself.

Now I a few choices on how to handle my invite. I can:
a. Reply that I'm going - obviously this isn't the answer
b. Reply that maybe I'm going - I think that's not fair. She may get the impression I have some intention of going.
c. Reply that i"m not going - I could do that but I think that may be too stern.
d. Not do anything - This is what I decided to do.

Option d leaves all doors open. This way she can think whatever she wants. It's sneaky because only I'll know the real answer, muhahaha! (man I need to get out more, haha).

Also, I'm not sure if I should even wish her a happy birthday when her day comes. Don't get me wrong, I really want to and don't have any bad will towards her it's just I don't want to come out of my exodus so soon. She may get the impression I'm ready to talk to her, which I won't be.

I really want to wait a while (probably a few months) before I try talking to her again (if I still want to by then). I just need to meet other people and go out and about before making contact because I don't want to fall back into the old trap or even worse, think I will while she's off gallivanting with a new beau.

Please, someone, anyone agree with my logic here!

The next chapter

I feel now that I've gotten some people's attention (i.e. the, what... 3 or 4 people who read this blog?) that I have to find some more juicy things to write about. That come in the future but not too too soon. I still want to take it easy for a bit but I thought I share with you guys what I have "planned".

I put planned in quotations because you can never truly plan your life.

I've made my decision to move on from Wendy, which for now seems a bit easier than I thought. However, I do have to remember it's only been 3 days!

I'm planning to move out in the next few months. Hopefully before summer. I need out of my parents basement. Although I lived on my own for a year in Australia, I think it's going to be better that I'm single when I move out on my own. I'm sure I'm going to have it hard for a while having to do everything on my own and learn how to be independant again.

Once I'm settled into my new independant life in the city (I currently live out in the boonies) it'll be way easier for me to go out and meet new people!

I'm not saying I'm hoping to go out and scope chicks (although it's always fun to try), but I'm really outgoing guy. In University I made tons of school friends and acquaintances. When I met Wendy, I was already heading into a new chapter in my life. All my friends had moved away, I had just started a professional job and was dating Wendy.

Having professional job alone changed the amount of free time I had to go to parties and see friends and meet new people. Then I ended up spending almost all my free time seeing Wendy. On top of that, because she was always tired, I rarely got to see my friends. She'd usually want to stay in and watch a movie then go out and hang with people, say at a party.

Now I feel like I can start doing that again.

It's time to meet new faces.

It will be a bit tough still living at home but at least I could get my feet a little wet before I go for a dive, hopefully sooner than later.

In the meantime I'm going to try and focus hard on finding what I could afford and how to get the gears moving. I'm afraid to admit it but I may need a room mate, which alone may be a huge challenge.

Here's to the next chapter in my life!

The response

Upon returning from breakfast this morning, I noticed an e-mail from Wendy in my inbox:

Hey,

I'm really sorry it has been such a stressful week for you, and even more sorry that I somehow contributed into making it that way. I've wanted to call you but thought maybe it was a good idea to see what happened if I didn't, which resulted in us not speaking for 5 days. On my way home last night I said to myself I was gonna call today because I missed you and wanted to see you.

I also don't like the situation we put ourselves in here. Part of me thinks it may have been a mistake to try and fix things for the past 2 months because it didn't get us anywhere..Having said that, don't think for a second that I didn't enjoy every minute I spent with you (even the ones you were getting us lost).

Please don't feel bad about wanting me to make a decision, you wanted to know what I wanted and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm very sorry about not being able to tell you. I think if we really wanted to get back together we wouldn't have waiting this long and we would have figured it out by now. That's not to say we haven't tried in the last 2 months because I think we did..but the fact that I still had doubts (I don't know if you did or not) I think says something. It doesn't say anything bad about either one of us, just maybe that we're not meant to be.

You have never done anything to warrant me hating you, and this certainly doesn't qualify as a reason. You have been nothing but supportive and kind and you have always treated me with respect. You still mean a lot to me as well, and will for a long time. I would love nothing more than for us to be friends. It would hurt me a lot if that wasn't able to happen.

I get that you need some time to yourself, but know that I am here when you're ready.

I miss you already..

Wendy

I have to say I find it really eerie how we're always on the same wave length. Here I was thinking this past week that I would wait and see what happened if I didn't call her for a few days, and then I find out she had the exact same thoughts!

It's funny how we both feel so real and attached when discussing this subject but our actual relationship seemed to lack that and didn't always feel right.

I'm glad she gave me a response. It makes me feel a lot better and i"m happy to hear she's going to respect my request to be alone for a while.

It's done

It's 4am and I'm exhausted. I just sent Wendy an e-mail. I know what you're thinking, that it was really lame and chicken to send it by e-mail but I gave it a lot of thought and it made most sense to me.

I hadn't spoken to Wendy in 5 days. For me to just call her out of the blue just to tell her I don't want to talk to her anymore (for a while at least), made no sense to me. plus, I felt this way I could express myself properly and not leave anything out.

I'm not sure if I made the best decision or if I wrote a good e-mail but I did this and it's over with. I know it'll take me a while until i can move on but it's something I'm going to have to deal with.

In the end I think it's better to do this than just let it drag on because i"m scarred or inconvenienced to end things properly.

I included my e-mail below:

Hey,
It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. I didn't want to do this by e-mail but I feel it's the only way I can express all my thoughts properly.

This whole past week has been stressful. I've been working very late hours everyday, not sleeping very well and letting my mind waver all over the place.
In turn, I've been thinking real long and hard about us.

I kind of mentioned it before but I have to tell the whole truth - I hate this situation we're in. I hate that we're in limbo. When we broke up, this is what I wanted to avoid but let it happen anyways. When we broke up, I gave it a lot of thought, I really did, and decided that we may have broken up too soon and could have given it another shot. I called you back right away and tried to "fix" things. I thought we could work things out slow and then get back together.

It's been two months and nothing has changed. You still seem unsure about things. I feel horrible that at first I was almost pushing you to make a decision and now after a lot of thinking have come up with my own decision. I realized recently that I've been trying so hard to fix things that I never gave it a lot of thought of how things would be if we did get back together. The few times i did, I got scared and only thought of the things I disliked when we were a couple. I have a lot of feelings for you still and I really enjoyed being with you for those 10 months but near the end we both knew something was wrong. I'm afraid I might want to get back together for all the wrong reasons and that would make things even worse.

As hard as it is for me to say this, I decided I need to be alone for a while. I'm not saying I never want to see you again. I truly would want nothing more than for us to be friends. I know that you have remained close friends with multiple guys you've dated in the past, but for a while I'm going to need some distance.

You were my first girlfriend and you still mean a lot to me. I experienced many things I haven't before with anyone else and am glad I got to experience them with you.

I hope you won't hate me for this and all the back and forth nonsense I put you through these past couple of months, and that somewhere down the road we can stay in touch.

Elwood

Harder than I thought

So yeah, as of the past couple of days I've been all "I think I better end things with Wendy. I'll just call her, tell her my feelings and move on - 1,2,3".

SO SO much harder than that.

All day yesterday my plan was to call her up and talk. Instead, I got really tired and decided to go to sleep.

I realized that I need to call her at the right time; That it wouldn't be good to force myself to call her just to tell her the news. I'd rather call her when I feel awake and ready to talk and hear what she has to say (not that anything she says will change my decision). I just don't want to come across as barking at her in the phone. I need to be civil. There is nothing wrong (we're not fighting or anything) with us so it's like I'm adding trouble which is why it feels safer not to do anything.

I admit I'm scared.

Yesterday every time my phone moved I was scared it would be her. Another thing I decided is I won't bring it up if she calls me. Unless, it makes sense.

I'm hoping not to drag this out much longer than needed.