A Heart To Heart

So fine, she was ignoring me and not taking to me about it so I avoided her the day of her birthday. I don't even know if I wished her happy birthday. I definitely didn't call her.

Late that night, just before I was heading to bed for work, she texts me and says she's upset she spent her birthday alone.

I immediately texted her back saying we have a communication problem and then phoned her.

We finally spoke about things.

It turned out THE ENTIRE TIME Katie was anxious for her birthday and couldn't wait to see what surprise her best friend had planned. Her best friend had never told her that there wasn't actually anything planned for her on her actual birthday. That that was just a set up for the surprise party.

So while Katie was all anxious to spend the day with her best friend, her friend was out with her boyfriend all day. And I wasn't around either.

I called her out about her ignoring me. You know what, even though we talked about things, I still don't know exactly why she was giving me the cold shoulder. I know she was having doubts about us but we never really discussed it.

What I did talk to her about was how I didn't appreciate being ignored. How obviously things weren't working because we were both too busy to see each other. That it shouldn't be "where can I fit seeing you in my busy schedule" and more prioritizing us first.

Katie brought up at least twice in the 8 months we dated up to that point that she felt I wasn't  emotionally invested into the relationship as much as I should have. I never 100% agreed with her but definitely was aware and made efforts to improve.

Again it's not that I didn't want to be, but our schedules were so busy it was really hard to keep a strong connection, and not just for me. For her too.

Now I would regret my choice of words later on but to drive home the point that how could we have a connection of we barely see each other, and when we do we're both distracted with things, I told her I didn't love her.

Before you scream at your computer screen and shout "how could you say that?!", let me explain.

I've only had two long term relationships before Katie and up until now have never experienced love. I just don't know what it is. I haven't found it yet.

Now as much as I liked having Katie in my life, I knew I didn't love her, yet. But I honestly wanted to. I just felt that maybe the reason was because we didn't have a super strong connection. And the reason for that was because we didn't spend enough time together actually connecting.

Watching tv together was not connecting. I mean really talk and get to know each other. I blame myself for always being tired, sick and distracted.

So I was trying to tell Katie how could she expect me to fall in love with her if we never saw each other?

We talked for a while longer and then  ended on good terms and agreed we'd both make time for each other.