It was close to 9 months with Katie. It was the last week of May. By this time my mind was wavering. I have to admit I was starting to question how attracted I was to Katie. I started to admire other women on the bus, the street, etc.
The funny thing is at the time I never put two and two together that this was a direct result of how I was subconsciously feeling about the attitude Katie was giving me. Instead I just felt ashamed I wasn't feeling it for her as much and kept saying to myself "give it just a bit more time".
Holy crap! Why didn't i do something about this??
Well I turned out I didn't have to do anything.
I had a show the upcoming Friday. We were supposed to meet up for dinner on Wednesday (it had been a couple of weeks that we spent alone tlme) but Katie had to cancel last minute. Instead we agreed to go for dinner the night of my show and that she'd crash over after at my apartment.
Actually as a side rant, around this time she kept canceling on a lot of stuff. Or answers I would get was "we'll see", never an excited "yes! Can't wait to see you!".
Back to Friday night. I'm at the restaurant waiting for her. She arrives and is the most terrible mood. I ask her what's wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it. I tried prying if it was about her best friend (they would get into tiffs) but she wouldn't talk about it.
After opening up a bit and pretending like noting was wrong we had a decent conversation and dinner.
We headed to my show where I performed really well.
After the show was a tiny party at the theater. I suggested to Katie we should stay nn and she said I could but she would go home.
Just then the wheels in my head started turning. The past 2-3 weeks was nothing but pain trying up meet up with Katie. She shows up tonight in a sour mood. We were supposed to spend the night together yet now she's so quick to get away!? I knew right there and then she was going to break up with me.
So I tell her no it's ok we can just go back to my place. Just as we left the theater, a bus was coming. I ask if she wants to grab it and she said no. I knew for sure she wasn't planning on coming over now.
We walk 5 steps and she turns and says "I don't think this is working".
As soon as I heard the words I WAS SO ANGRY INSIDE. Now I'm not someone to get angry over stuff. I don't tell and I'm definitely not a violent person. I was angry though.
I was angry at Katie for not just telling me sooner. I REALLY lost respect for her for being so deceptive. Yes she wasn't pretending like everything was great and then suddenly dumped me. However, I still didn't like that she went along with the whole evening when it was SUPER CLEAR she didn't want to be around me.
I was also mad at myself for not doing something about it sooner. I could have ended things myself. I could have called her out on all the times she made me feel like crap. Do you think it's fun being around someone and seeing them be miserable around you and knowing you're the cause of their misery? It's a horrible feeling.
Even then when the cat was out of the bag, I didn't do anything. I could have said so much and we could have talked about stuff but I didn't see the point.
It was clear to me that she had made her decision at least a couple of weeks prior and nothing I would say would change her mind so I just kept quiet.
I did call her out on how there was no point talking about it since she already made her mind and she told me that wasn't fair to say. So, I knew it wasn't worth going into details with her. What was done was done.
Not to say I didn't say anything. In the past when someone's broken up with me (and it's usually them doingit, not me) I get emotionally balled up and get really quiet. I know I didn't do that this time. I did talk a bit about my point of view but alas it wasn't enough to get any real closure.
We walked until her street and she asked if I still wanted to walk some more and talk but I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. So I replied no, we had an awkward hug and I walked back to the party.
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