This week has been very stressful at work and it's only going to get worse. I have a big deadline for tomorrow night.
On the bright side it's been keeping my mind off of Wendy. Well actually even though we're not officially back together we've sort of been dating again.
Last night I went out for coffee and dessert with her. For the first time ever, we just talked for hours. Wendy couldn't believe how late it was.
Wendy invited me to see a Lifehouse concert. I was crossed with what to do:
pro: I really want to spend time with Wendy
con: I really hate Lifehouse
At first I agreed to go because she could have asked anyone and she told me she knows people who would love to go see them with her, but she asked me. She didn't have to and to me that shows she really likes my company.
I told her although I don't particular like Lifehouse, I'd make an effort to get into their music. So, I went onto their website and heard of few songs. After 10 minutes I decided I just can't go. I can't be bothered paying 25$ to watch a band surrounded by screaming females. I saw Bon Jovi with Wendy 2 months ago and that was bad enough (don't get me wrong, I like some Bon Jovi songs but man, being in an auditorium to watch them surrounded by screaming ladies was brutal).
To make it up to her, I invited Wendy to a concert that I want to go to for a band she knows nothing about. I even lent her a CD to help her decide.
So show of hands - is it better to go to a show you know you'll hate but be around someone you enjoy being with or bail and hang out with them some other time?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Elwood's Dating Stories Part 5 - Junior College
After high school I attended Junior College in Health Sciences. I was glad to be gone from high school. The only fucked up thing about my HS was that the actual graduation ceremony was held in October, 4 months after I actually finished school.
Junior College was still a lot different from high school. We had longer classes, more freedom, we were more mature, and there were new girls to pursue.
Even though I was out of HS, I hadn't changed my ways that much. Yes, I was a lot more outgoing and friendlier. I started to make lots of friends quickly, but most of them were guy friends.
There was, however, a girl I met, I think in my second year. Let's call her Country Girl because she was actually from the country but moved to the city to study at college.
Country girl was cute and nice to me, and paid me attention (sad to say, that was all I looked for in a girl back then). I remember have a crush on her for a while and the tension was killing me. I really wanted to tell her I liked her but was way to shy.
After hang out with other friends for a few months, i think I sought advice from a friend and he told me to call her. I can't remember how, but I managed to get her phone number.
I remember, very nervously, calling her house and a guy picked up, being her brother (I knew she lived with him). He passed the phone onto her. I talked to her awkwardly and eventually blurted out that I liked her or something like that.
Turned out, my friend's brother also had a thing for her and had asked her out literally 10 minutes before I did.
I hung up heartbroken.
The next day at school I remember trying super hard to not cross paths with Country Girl but instead, walked right into the table she was eating lunch at.
Awkward!
In the end, my friend's brother went a little nuts. She was his first "girlfriend" and after 2 weeks he was smothering her so much she dumped him. I can't say if i would have done the same thing or not.
Years later (4 to be exact) I would discover that one of my TA's at university, whom I became friends with for 3 years was her brother! He laughed so hard when we made the connection. He actually remembered me calling that day I tried asking out Country Girl.
Talk about small world.
Junior College was still a lot different from high school. We had longer classes, more freedom, we were more mature, and there were new girls to pursue.
Even though I was out of HS, I hadn't changed my ways that much. Yes, I was a lot more outgoing and friendlier. I started to make lots of friends quickly, but most of them were guy friends.
There was, however, a girl I met, I think in my second year. Let's call her Country Girl because she was actually from the country but moved to the city to study at college.
Country girl was cute and nice to me, and paid me attention (sad to say, that was all I looked for in a girl back then). I remember have a crush on her for a while and the tension was killing me. I really wanted to tell her I liked her but was way to shy.
After hang out with other friends for a few months, i think I sought advice from a friend and he told me to call her. I can't remember how, but I managed to get her phone number.
I remember, very nervously, calling her house and a guy picked up, being her brother (I knew she lived with him). He passed the phone onto her. I talked to her awkwardly and eventually blurted out that I liked her or something like that.
Turned out, my friend's brother also had a thing for her and had asked her out literally 10 minutes before I did.
I hung up heartbroken.
The next day at school I remember trying super hard to not cross paths with Country Girl but instead, walked right into the table she was eating lunch at.
Awkward!
In the end, my friend's brother went a little nuts. She was his first "girlfriend" and after 2 weeks he was smothering her so much she dumped him. I can't say if i would have done the same thing or not.
Years later (4 to be exact) I would discover that one of my TA's at university, whom I became friends with for 3 years was her brother! He laughed so hard when we made the connection. He actually remembered me calling that day I tried asking out Country Girl.
Talk about small world.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Yet another reason I need to move out of my parents house
I was out with my parents for dinner tonight:
Father: "Let me try some of your mashed potatoes"
Mother: "Father! Use your own fork!"
Father: "Sorry! I just want to try some"
Elwood: "Don't worry about it. Have some"
(I continue eating with that fork)
Mother: "Gross! You can catch something... like Herpes!"
Elwood: "Ha ha ha ha"
Father: "Ha ha ha ha"
Mother: "Ha ha ha ha"
Father: "Actually, I have herpes"
Father: "Let me try some of your mashed potatoes"
Mother: "Father! Use your own fork!"
Father: "Sorry! I just want to try some"
Elwood: "Don't worry about it. Have some"
(I continue eating with that fork)
Mother: "Gross! You can catch something... like Herpes!"
Elwood: "Ha ha ha ha"
Father: "Ha ha ha ha"
Mother: "Ha ha ha ha"
Father: "Actually, I have herpes"
Understanding the rules
Wow. Post break up is a weird place to be.
I just got back from a hanging out with Wendy. I know we're not dating anymore, but it sure look, tasted and felt like a date.
I was kind enough to go pick her up from her house even though the bar was closer to mine. Once at the bar, she bought me a beer (she insisted).
We spent the whole night talking about stuff. I did most of the talking, but I tend to talk a lot anyways and she doesn't say much in general. However, we seemed into it. There were occasions of not saying much but I left it open so she'd have a chance to bring something interesting to talk about.
The really weird part was when she was telling me how she was busy tomorrow and couldn't meet her cousin who wanted to get trashed with her for having just broken up with someone. Her cousin suggested they go out drinking right after it happened, but she got sick, so it tentatively go t moved to tomorrow.
Sure, it's one thing telling someone that, but when you're that someone, it tends to make things awkward. I was ok with it though, since i know she didn't mean any harm.
There was a pretty good cover band playing a bunch of songs i like that I havn't heard in a while. They had the Eagles thing going on with the drummer being the singer.
Once i noticed the pauses getting longer, I could see she was getting tired, so Wendy and I left.
I drove her home. Once we reached her house, I put the car in park and we chatted for a good 10 - 15 minutes.
She said she "had to go pee" from the beer (she wasn't drunk; has a tiny bladder) . In the past she'd say that and jump out the car. Tonight she just kept talking to me.
Finally she said she had to go, so after our last encounter, I moved forward for the kiss.
I felt like we kissed really passionately. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I felt. Maybe she did too because we just kept kissing.
I know making out isn't so out of the ordinary, but after so many months of a quick kiss and dash, it's fun and exciting to be spending a good 5 - 10 minutes playing tonsil hockey.
So I finally understand the post break up rules:
there aren't any!
I just got back from a hanging out with Wendy. I know we're not dating anymore, but it sure look, tasted and felt like a date.
I was kind enough to go pick her up from her house even though the bar was closer to mine. Once at the bar, she bought me a beer (she insisted).
We spent the whole night talking about stuff. I did most of the talking, but I tend to talk a lot anyways and she doesn't say much in general. However, we seemed into it. There were occasions of not saying much but I left it open so she'd have a chance to bring something interesting to talk about.
The really weird part was when she was telling me how she was busy tomorrow and couldn't meet her cousin who wanted to get trashed with her for having just broken up with someone. Her cousin suggested they go out drinking right after it happened, but she got sick, so it tentatively go t moved to tomorrow.
Sure, it's one thing telling someone that, but when you're that someone, it tends to make things awkward. I was ok with it though, since i know she didn't mean any harm.
There was a pretty good cover band playing a bunch of songs i like that I havn't heard in a while. They had the Eagles thing going on with the drummer being the singer.
Once i noticed the pauses getting longer, I could see she was getting tired, so Wendy and I left.
I drove her home. Once we reached her house, I put the car in park and we chatted for a good 10 - 15 minutes.
She said she "had to go pee" from the beer (she wasn't drunk; has a tiny bladder) . In the past she'd say that and jump out the car. Tonight she just kept talking to me.
Finally she said she had to go, so after our last encounter, I moved forward for the kiss.
I felt like we kissed really passionately. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I felt. Maybe she did too because we just kept kissing.
I know making out isn't so out of the ordinary, but after so many months of a quick kiss and dash, it's fun and exciting to be spending a good 5 - 10 minutes playing tonsil hockey.
So I finally understand the post break up rules:
there aren't any!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Elwood's Dating Stories 3 - Prom
The image I had of prom growing up was from what I'd seen in American movies. I thought it would be fun, entertaining, magical, a real life experience. In grade eleven I discovered something important in life:
Movies aren't real!
My prom sucked ass.
Well maybe it was fun for some people but I had a horrible experience.
At he beginning of the year, one of my best friends (I was his only friend for the first 4 years of high school) decided he wanted to start hanging out with the "cool bunch" in his senior year and told me to fuck off.
Throughout the year, everyone was making plans to get limousines, suits, dress, etc. One of my other best friends, lets call him Compulsive Liar, well because thats what he was (and I didn't know this yet), promised me he could get our friends a deal on a limousine because his uncle owned a business. Believing him, i never made arrangements to get a limo. As the year progressed, I had to constantly ask him what was going on because he never confirmed that we got one and never asked me for money.
The story kept evolving. In the end, he told me it wasn't his uncle's business but his cousin's friend or some nonsense like that.
Finally after bugging him so much he just stopped talking to me. On prom night, Compulsive Liar showed up alone, in his parents car.
Meanwhile, my third and last best friend, Best Friend, had a crush on a girl from another school. Now since Other School Girl was friends with someone in our grade, he weaseled his way into their car (a Cadillac) and completely ditched me, leaving me all alone.
Aside from car troubles, I didn't have a date.
I really wanted a date and even singled out a girl who gave me a lot more attention that usual that year.
I was shy and didn't know how to ask her so I waited until the next school video dance. When it was time for a slow song I asked her for a dance. One of my friends described that dance as follows:
"You were standing arms with apart, holding her, with your mouth open and your head staring out into space!"
I was so nervous I kept looking out and very slowly asked her "Hey.... would... you... like to... go .. to... prom.................. with me.....?"
She said she would like to but unfortunately she already had a date, possibly, with an old childhood friend.
I was devastated.
A couple of days later I decided not to give up on that and approached her asking if the friend
didn't work out, if i could go with her. To which she said that if that were the case she'd go with her brother.
Prom day finally arrived. I had no limo, all my really close friends were either not talking to me or with other people and I had no date.
Yay...
I ended up going to the hotel in my dad's piece of shit minivan sitting on garbage bags, to not dirty my rented tux, with 2 guy friends who also had no dates.
On the way there we were passed by all kinds of limos and fancy cars with couples and grousp of friends. Sigh...
I got the hotel and we had dinner with our parents, followed by their departure and a crazy dance party.
The dance party was ok. I saw the girl I asked to be my date and she was there alone with no date, hanging out with her girl friends. Gee, thanks for lying!
After the party, Iwe made it upstairs to our hotel room. Everyone was drinking or smoking. I wasn't into any of that stuff back then so I wasn't having a very good time.
Finally we all decided to try and hit a bar. So I grabbed Best Friend and said "lets get the guys together and go!"
Everyone ran off for adventures.
Meanwhile, Best friend was sulking over the fact that his date, Other School Girl, had been in
the room making out with another guy. So, instead of going out with everyone, I was in the lobby watching my friend be depressed.
In the end we went out... to McDonalds.
I ended up having to call it an early night because I was starting a new job as a camp counselor and had to get up early the next morning for a meeting... on the other side of town! Luckily I had a cousin who lived nearby and slept over there.
Everyone was out having th etime of their lives and I was asleep by 12am.
No dancing.
No kissing.
No friendship memories.
No amazing breakfast the next morning.
No, I had to get picked up by my dad in his piece of shit car and go to a camp meeting.
Ah, high school memories, and yikes! This year is my 10 year anniversary!
Can't wait..... ya......
Movies aren't real!
My prom sucked ass.
Well maybe it was fun for some people but I had a horrible experience.
At he beginning of the year, one of my best friends (I was his only friend for the first 4 years of high school) decided he wanted to start hanging out with the "cool bunch" in his senior year and told me to fuck off.
Throughout the year, everyone was making plans to get limousines, suits, dress, etc. One of my other best friends, lets call him Compulsive Liar, well because thats what he was (and I didn't know this yet), promised me he could get our friends a deal on a limousine because his uncle owned a business. Believing him, i never made arrangements to get a limo. As the year progressed, I had to constantly ask him what was going on because he never confirmed that we got one and never asked me for money.
The story kept evolving. In the end, he told me it wasn't his uncle's business but his cousin's friend or some nonsense like that.
Finally after bugging him so much he just stopped talking to me. On prom night, Compulsive Liar showed up alone, in his parents car.
Meanwhile, my third and last best friend, Best Friend, had a crush on a girl from another school. Now since Other School Girl was friends with someone in our grade, he weaseled his way into their car (a Cadillac) and completely ditched me, leaving me all alone.
Aside from car troubles, I didn't have a date.
I really wanted a date and even singled out a girl who gave me a lot more attention that usual that year.
I was shy and didn't know how to ask her so I waited until the next school video dance. When it was time for a slow song I asked her for a dance. One of my friends described that dance as follows:
"You were standing arms with apart, holding her, with your mouth open and your head staring out into space!"
I was so nervous I kept looking out and very slowly asked her "Hey.... would... you... like to... go .. to... prom.................. with me.....?"
She said she would like to but unfortunately she already had a date, possibly, with an old childhood friend.
I was devastated.
A couple of days later I decided not to give up on that and approached her asking if the friend
didn't work out, if i could go with her. To which she said that if that were the case she'd go with her brother.
Prom day finally arrived. I had no limo, all my really close friends were either not talking to me or with other people and I had no date.
Yay...
I ended up going to the hotel in my dad's piece of shit minivan sitting on garbage bags, to not dirty my rented tux, with 2 guy friends who also had no dates.
On the way there we were passed by all kinds of limos and fancy cars with couples and grousp of friends. Sigh...
I got the hotel and we had dinner with our parents, followed by their departure and a crazy dance party.
The dance party was ok. I saw the girl I asked to be my date and she was there alone with no date, hanging out with her girl friends. Gee, thanks for lying!
After the party, Iwe made it upstairs to our hotel room. Everyone was drinking or smoking. I wasn't into any of that stuff back then so I wasn't having a very good time.
Finally we all decided to try and hit a bar. So I grabbed Best Friend and said "lets get the guys together and go!"
Everyone ran off for adventures.
Meanwhile, Best friend was sulking over the fact that his date, Other School Girl, had been in
the room making out with another guy. So, instead of going out with everyone, I was in the lobby watching my friend be depressed.
In the end we went out... to McDonalds.
I ended up having to call it an early night because I was starting a new job as a camp counselor and had to get up early the next morning for a meeting... on the other side of town! Luckily I had a cousin who lived nearby and slept over there.
Everyone was out having th etime of their lives and I was asleep by 12am.
No dancing.
No kissing.
No friendship memories.
No amazing breakfast the next morning.
No, I had to get picked up by my dad in his piece of shit car and go to a camp meeting.
Ah, high school memories, and yikes! This year is my 10 year anniversary!
Can't wait..... ya......
Spoke Too Soon
Since Monday, I've gotten really excited over Wendy again. I don't know why. I mean if you think about it, right after New Years, we were having problems and broke up. Then I was confused for several days and now I'm all gung ho to get back together with her. We had a great date on Monday and even kissed goodnight. I thought that meant we were getting back together.
Boy was I ever wrong.
I blame myself for getting too excited too fast. Lately I've been having new and exciting feelings for Wendy, the ones you get when you start a new relationship. This makes sense since if we are going to start over,and try to do things differently, then it is going to feel like anew relationship.
That's if we get back together...
I knew after what happened Monday that I needed to talk to Wendy about it to make sure we're on the same page. I don't think we quite are and I better be careful about things.
She's not sure what she wants. I figured out that just because we kissed again doesn't mean we're back together in her mind. I realized the more we talked that maybe I was wrong to think that myself. I guess I reacted too fast.
I asked her what was going on and she wasn't sure.
She saw it in my eyes t hat I really wanted to kiss her. I asked her if she regretted kissing me and she said no. She said if she didn't want to she would have told me. However, I'm not convinced she was hoping I'd kiss her as much as I thought. In turn, I may just be confusing her more.
I told her I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. When she asked me what page I was on, I didn't tell her "I want to get back together" because I didn't want to scare her off to quickly, but I did tell her that I was on the page as to how we've been handling things. Taking it slow and talking on the phone and try going out on some dates.
Basically Wendy isn't ready to say we're back together yet and wants to see how things go. That makes sense but for once I stood up and told that it's going to make things awkward not knowing what's really . She asked me why and said very sternly "So what? Now we're friends that kiss?". I could tell by her pause that she didn't like that too much.
Wendy then tells me that she's going to make she's sure not going to hurt me on purpose.
Oh yeah, that's a relief, thanks...
So what now, we'll continue this fake dating until she finds someone else and then tell me it's over? I'm pretty sure she won't do that but I don't know what's going on in her head.
I asked her if I had been more receptive the night we broke up if things would have been better. In other words, had I agreed to stay together when she was balling her eyes out telling me she didn't want to lose me. Wendy admitted that she was confused then as she is now.
I know what everyone reading this blog must be thinking: "Get out now! The longer we keep this up the more I'll get hurt in the end".
Thank you for your concern.
The way I see it, I may be trying to rush things a bit. I understand she wants to take things slow, as do I. It's just that I'd feel better knowing if it's to end up at the same goal.
I've decided the best things to do is see how things go for the next month. I'll continue to talk to her on the phone and see her on the weekends for a date. When the month is over, if I"m still into her as much as now, then I'm going to bring it up again and tell her I need to know whats going on. If she still gives me this "I'm confused" answer, then I'm going to stop seeing her.
I don't mean to sound like I'm putting Wendy down. Even though she's confused, I know she's trying.
We're talking a lot better and I'm not afraid to say stuff anymore. I told her straight up it'd be nice if she'd call me sometimes and make plans, since I was always the one calling her to go out. Also, I'm a member of a club where we get together every Saturday and play fun games. She told me she may come to the next meeting. Before she would never show interest to come and now she is.
So I just need to calm down a few steps and stick to my plan of taking things slow.
Wish me luck!
Boy was I ever wrong.
I blame myself for getting too excited too fast. Lately I've been having new and exciting feelings for Wendy, the ones you get when you start a new relationship. This makes sense since if we are going to start over,and try to do things differently, then it is going to feel like anew relationship.
That's if we get back together...
I knew after what happened Monday that I needed to talk to Wendy about it to make sure we're on the same page. I don't think we quite are and I better be careful about things.
She's not sure what she wants. I figured out that just because we kissed again doesn't mean we're back together in her mind. I realized the more we talked that maybe I was wrong to think that myself. I guess I reacted too fast.
I asked her what was going on and she wasn't sure.
She saw it in my eyes t hat I really wanted to kiss her. I asked her if she regretted kissing me and she said no. She said if she didn't want to she would have told me. However, I'm not convinced she was hoping I'd kiss her as much as I thought. In turn, I may just be confusing her more.
I told her I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. When she asked me what page I was on, I didn't tell her "I want to get back together" because I didn't want to scare her off to quickly, but I did tell her that I was on the page as to how we've been handling things. Taking it slow and talking on the phone and try going out on some dates.
Basically Wendy isn't ready to say we're back together yet and wants to see how things go. That makes sense but for once I stood up and told that it's going to make things awkward not knowing what's really . She asked me why and said very sternly "So what? Now we're friends that kiss?". I could tell by her pause that she didn't like that too much.
Wendy then tells me that she's going to make she's sure not going to hurt me on purpose.
Oh yeah, that's a relief, thanks...
So what now, we'll continue this fake dating until she finds someone else and then tell me it's over? I'm pretty sure she won't do that but I don't know what's going on in her head.
I asked her if I had been more receptive the night we broke up if things would have been better. In other words, had I agreed to stay together when she was balling her eyes out telling me she didn't want to lose me. Wendy admitted that she was confused then as she is now.
I know what everyone reading this blog must be thinking: "Get out now! The longer we keep this up the more I'll get hurt in the end".
Thank you for your concern.
The way I see it, I may be trying to rush things a bit. I understand she wants to take things slow, as do I. It's just that I'd feel better knowing if it's to end up at the same goal.
I've decided the best things to do is see how things go for the next month. I'll continue to talk to her on the phone and see her on the weekends for a date. When the month is over, if I"m still into her as much as now, then I'm going to bring it up again and tell her I need to know whats going on. If she still gives me this "I'm confused" answer, then I'm going to stop seeing her.
I don't mean to sound like I'm putting Wendy down. Even though she's confused, I know she's trying.
We're talking a lot better and I'm not afraid to say stuff anymore. I told her straight up it'd be nice if she'd call me sometimes and make plans, since I was always the one calling her to go out. Also, I'm a member of a club where we get together every Saturday and play fun games. She told me she may come to the next meeting. Before she would never show interest to come and now she is.
So I just need to calm down a few steps and stick to my plan of taking things slow.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Kiss kiss?
Right before bed I noticed I had missed a text message from Wendy. It said:
"Did u come back to the car to see if I was OK or cuz you wanted to kiss me?"
(this is in reference to the end of last night)
I didn't feel like writing a whole story about how I missed her text (sent at 10pm and I only saw it at 11:30pm), so I simply wrote:
"I wanted to kiss you"
I never got a reply. She was probably asleep or if not content enough with that answer (I hope!).
One thing I'm promising myself is that next time we see each other, I'm going for a kiss, no waiting to be asked. Thats exactly how things were at the beginning and eventually she started ot lose interest in my physically. Now that I'm gaining her attention again I definitely don't want a repeat.
Look out world, Elwood's lips are on the loose!
"Did u come back to the car to see if I was OK or cuz you wanted to kiss me?"
(this is in reference to the end of last night)
I didn't feel like writing a whole story about how I missed her text (sent at 10pm and I only saw it at 11:30pm), so I simply wrote:
"I wanted to kiss you"
I never got a reply. She was probably asleep or if not content enough with that answer (I hope!).
One thing I'm promising myself is that next time we see each other, I'm going for a kiss, no waiting to be asked. Thats exactly how things were at the beginning and eventually she started ot lose interest in my physically. Now that I'm gaining her attention again I definitely don't want a repeat.
Look out world, Elwood's lips are on the loose!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Back To Square One
I just got back from my evening with Wendy.
It reminded me of one of our first dates. In fact is was even better.
I was about 30 minutes late at the meeting point (took longer by public transport than predicted). However, I cheered her up with some bubble wrap I stole from work. She went ecstatic (do all girls like bubble wrap?).
We then went for pizza, talking in teh car and joking around.
At dinner she got to admire the 'new' me. I now have a goatee and was wearing a new style clothes I bought (except for 2 times I practically haven't seen her for the past month). She told me liked it and could get used to it.
We talked a lot and laughed and just had fun.
Are evening continued with going to Chapters. Wendy wanted to buy a new book and found what she was looking for.
I couldn't remember her being so talkative. That was one of the things I questioned her when we were having our serious talks, so maybe she's making an effort?
The whole night we didn't touch or anything, purely platonic.
By the end of the night though, my mind started to race. Things felt different and the night was about to end - she was driving me home. I started to feel a bit of anxiety/butterflies in the stomach type feeling. I kept thinking "this is it, moment of truth. Don't expect a kiss. Don't expect a kiss". I really didn't want to keep my hopes up and was still confused as to what was going on.
We get to my house and talked for a minute or two and then I said goodnight. She said goodnight. We looked at it each other. Then I figured that was it. She obviously didn't want to kiss me. So I opened the door and walked slowly away constantly looking back.
I get to my door and she's still there. I opened the door, dropped my bag and walked back to the car.
I really wanted to walk back to the car.
I go up to her window and she rolls it down. I asked her if something was wrong. Wendy said that she always waits for me to go inside my house. Maybe I was just tired, but I don't ever remember her doing it before.
There was awkward silence for a few minutes and I said "So... goodnight..." once more time to which she replied "kiss me".
So I did.
Then it became a make out.
I pulled my head back. Then forward.
More make out.
We stared at each other again. Right then I was totally confused at to what was going on so I said "so we'll do this again?". She said yes.
I couldn't help myself and said "can I kiss you one last time?" and she happily said yes.
Even more make out.
The I said "so we'll take it slow?" and she agreed.
So... I guess we're sort of dating again...?
Either way it was fun and exciting. It's like starting over again. This is the excitement that was lost 8 months ago.
The shitty thing is though is that one of the faults of the relationship was that I was really shy and wasn't very physical at first. Now, the past two times she had to tell me to kiss her (like she did when I first met her). It's not that I'm afraid it's just that i Didn't know what her intentions were. Now that I know, I"m going to try and initiate things because I don't want a repeat of events.
Well, I'll have to see how things progress...
It reminded me of one of our first dates. In fact is was even better.
I was about 30 minutes late at the meeting point (took longer by public transport than predicted). However, I cheered her up with some bubble wrap I stole from work. She went ecstatic (do all girls like bubble wrap?).
We then went for pizza, talking in teh car and joking around.
At dinner she got to admire the 'new' me. I now have a goatee and was wearing a new style clothes I bought (except for 2 times I practically haven't seen her for the past month). She told me liked it and could get used to it.
We talked a lot and laughed and just had fun.
Are evening continued with going to Chapters. Wendy wanted to buy a new book and found what she was looking for.
I couldn't remember her being so talkative. That was one of the things I questioned her when we were having our serious talks, so maybe she's making an effort?
The whole night we didn't touch or anything, purely platonic.
By the end of the night though, my mind started to race. Things felt different and the night was about to end - she was driving me home. I started to feel a bit of anxiety/butterflies in the stomach type feeling. I kept thinking "this is it, moment of truth. Don't expect a kiss. Don't expect a kiss". I really didn't want to keep my hopes up and was still confused as to what was going on.
We get to my house and talked for a minute or two and then I said goodnight. She said goodnight. We looked at it each other. Then I figured that was it. She obviously didn't want to kiss me. So I opened the door and walked slowly away constantly looking back.
I get to my door and she's still there. I opened the door, dropped my bag and walked back to the car.
I really wanted to walk back to the car.
I go up to her window and she rolls it down. I asked her if something was wrong. Wendy said that she always waits for me to go inside my house. Maybe I was just tired, but I don't ever remember her doing it before.
There was awkward silence for a few minutes and I said "So... goodnight..." once more time to which she replied "kiss me".
So I did.
Then it became a make out.
I pulled my head back. Then forward.
More make out.
We stared at each other again. Right then I was totally confused at to what was going on so I said "so we'll do this again?". She said yes.
I couldn't help myself and said "can I kiss you one last time?" and she happily said yes.
Even more make out.
The I said "so we'll take it slow?" and she agreed.
So... I guess we're sort of dating again...?
Either way it was fun and exciting. It's like starting over again. This is the excitement that was lost 8 months ago.
The shitty thing is though is that one of the faults of the relationship was that I was really shy and wasn't very physical at first. Now, the past two times she had to tell me to kiss her (like she did when I first met her). It's not that I'm afraid it's just that i Didn't know what her intentions were. Now that I know, I"m going to try and initiate things because I don't want a repeat of events.
Well, I'll have to see how things progress...
The pseudo-date
Since Wendy and I broke up we got together once. We went to a comedy show where a bunch of my friends were attending (and performing).
Tonight is the first time that we're hanging out just the two of us.
Last night I had the biggest urge to call her for coffee. I was both excited and nervous. In the end I decided not to. Besides being afraid of what is going on, it was extremely cold and it was getting late and i figured she'd just say no.
Later, she called me and we talked. When I told Wendy how I was tempted to call her for coffee but thought she'd say no because it was cold outside, she sounded a bit disappointed. , saying "how'd you know I would have said no". This is interesting because the Wendy I remember when we dated totally would have said no. She'd have complained it was late and too cold to go anywhere. Maybe our situation is changing our habits?
I feel like all my early relationship anxieties have returned lately. On the phone I wanted to ask her for coffee for tonight and I was actually scared. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm afraid of her saying no, and no being a huge deal because that's like saying "no we'll never get back together". Also me worrying about us getting back together is even worse. I don't want to make an issue out of this.
Then something I didn't expect happened: she said yes.
Not only did she say yes, it went like this:
Elwood: "Um... so.. would you like to go for coff..."
Wendy "yes"
Elwood: "...ee tomorrow night?"
I'm running late (still at work) but we decided to go for pizza instead.
I promise to post how it goes.
Got to run!
Tonight is the first time that we're hanging out just the two of us.
Last night I had the biggest urge to call her for coffee. I was both excited and nervous. In the end I decided not to. Besides being afraid of what is going on, it was extremely cold and it was getting late and i figured she'd just say no.
Later, she called me and we talked. When I told Wendy how I was tempted to call her for coffee but thought she'd say no because it was cold outside, she sounded a bit disappointed. , saying "how'd you know I would have said no". This is interesting because the Wendy I remember when we dated totally would have said no. She'd have complained it was late and too cold to go anywhere. Maybe our situation is changing our habits?
I feel like all my early relationship anxieties have returned lately. On the phone I wanted to ask her for coffee for tonight and I was actually scared. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm afraid of her saying no, and no being a huge deal because that's like saying "no we'll never get back together". Also me worrying about us getting back together is even worse. I don't want to make an issue out of this.
Then something I didn't expect happened: she said yes.
Not only did she say yes, it went like this:
Elwood: "Um... so.. would you like to go for coff..."
Wendy "yes"
Elwood: "...ee tomorrow night?"
I'm running late (still at work) but we decided to go for pizza instead.
I promise to post how it goes.
Got to run!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Saga Continues
Since Wendy and I broke up we've been talking on the phone every 2 or 3 days. So far we've been taking turns calling each other. On Friday she called me.
2 days later (tonight) she just called me again.
We've only been talking about every day stuff (not "us") but at least it's been engaging.
I really wish I could figure out whats going on in her mind...
2 days later (tonight) she just called me again.
We've only been talking about every day stuff (not "us") but at least it's been engaging.
I really wish I could figure out whats going on in her mind...
Elwood's Dating Stories 2 - High School Part 2
By grade 10 everyone in my school year was starting to get a bit older, more mature, and more attractive.
By now everyone was dating everyone else. You had a circle of friends where everyone had swapped with to someone else one way or the other.
Not I, though; not I.
I was definitely in my "I have a crush on every girl" phase (which probably lasted for many years after high school and comes back from time to time). I would try to talk and impress every girl with something to get their attention. Also, any girl that gave me attention would drive me wild and I'd think maybe, just maybe, there was some chance she could be my girlfriend.
One such person was Blondie. She was a really fun and cute girl who hung out with the "cool bunch" but also talked to my friends and I in the "not so cool" groups.
Every year, my school would send us all to a camp up north for a weekend of fun and games and learning to be nice to other people and become leaders, etc. I was put in a group with Blondie and developed a huge crush on her.
One night there was a dance and I ended up dancing beside her. I ended up revealing that i had a crush on someone but not her. She kept trying to pry out of me who it was but I was too chicken to admit it was her.
A week later back at school, our yearbooks had arrived. Naturally, everyone was writing notes in each others' books. Things like "have a great summer!" or "Gym class sucks!", etc. (remember, this was only grade 10).
Not I, though; not I.
I got a hold of Blondie's yearbook and wrote "The person I have a crush on is you!" or something like that.
I was so scared after writing that, I avoided her for a while. I think she was happy because she never approached me about it. Then I tried getting a friend of mine to talk to her about it and find out what she thought about me.
Soon enough, it became "There's Something About Blondie" because the friend I asked to help me out developed a crush on Blondie as well. Meanwhile Blondie was into my other friend, and eventually they went out.
Grade 10 wasn't all that bad. I started getting invited to the "cool bunch" parties since I was less nerdy, but alas, none of the girl in my grade wanted to date or really hang around me.
At least i had my Super Nintendo.
By now everyone was dating everyone else. You had a circle of friends where everyone had swapped with to someone else one way or the other.
Not I, though; not I.
I was definitely in my "I have a crush on every girl" phase (which probably lasted for many years after high school and comes back from time to time). I would try to talk and impress every girl with something to get their attention. Also, any girl that gave me attention would drive me wild and I'd think maybe, just maybe, there was some chance she could be my girlfriend.
One such person was Blondie. She was a really fun and cute girl who hung out with the "cool bunch" but also talked to my friends and I in the "not so cool" groups.
Every year, my school would send us all to a camp up north for a weekend of fun and games and learning to be nice to other people and become leaders, etc. I was put in a group with Blondie and developed a huge crush on her.
One night there was a dance and I ended up dancing beside her. I ended up revealing that i had a crush on someone but not her. She kept trying to pry out of me who it was but I was too chicken to admit it was her.
A week later back at school, our yearbooks had arrived. Naturally, everyone was writing notes in each others' books. Things like "have a great summer!" or "Gym class sucks!", etc. (remember, this was only grade 10).
Not I, though; not I.
I got a hold of Blondie's yearbook and wrote "The person I have a crush on is you!" or something like that.
I was so scared after writing that, I avoided her for a while. I think she was happy because she never approached me about it. Then I tried getting a friend of mine to talk to her about it and find out what she thought about me.
Soon enough, it became "There's Something About Blondie" because the friend I asked to help me out developed a crush on Blondie as well. Meanwhile Blondie was into my other friend, and eventually they went out.
Grade 10 wasn't all that bad. I started getting invited to the "cool bunch" parties since I was less nerdy, but alas, none of the girl in my grade wanted to date or really hang around me.
At least i had my Super Nintendo.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Elwood's Dating Stories 1 - High School Part 1
I've been thinking a lot lately and realized that the reason I'm so nervous around women may come from my childhood. I never grew up with a good interaction with the female species. I don't have any sisters or any female cousins close to my age to have hung out with growing up. I never had any female friends either. So when I hit high school, things were not like the O.C. filled with lots of dating and breaking up and all that drama.
No.
My high school experience was more like this:
In grade 7 there was this nerdy girl in my class, Michelle. Everyday before school ended, she'd come up to me and say goodbye. At first I didn't think much of it but then I noticed that she was doing it every day. Being the nerdy 13 year old I was, that got me excited. I spent all of elementary school getting picked on by everyone and now this girl with long thick hair, deep voice and giant glasses was actually noticing me and being nice!
After weeks of being nervous around her I came up with this horrible idea to write her a note saying how much I liked her. I think I wrote a whole novel. I can't remember what I wrote but I remember it being a big piece of paper double sided without skipping lines.
I was so nervous, I think I just approached her after class and threw the note all folded up at her and ran out of class. I spent the whole bus ride home cursing at myself for doing something so stupid.
Needless to say, she never spoke to me again.
Ok that's not entirely true. I stopped hanging out with her and then in grade 8 or 9 she moved to another city and I never saw her again.
In grade 8 things didn't get any better. By then I had established my group of friends - 3 guys. Meanwhile the rest of the grade (and all the girls) was pretty much labeled as "The cool group". I remember how I'd do stupid things all the time just to feel accepted by them.
At my school we'd have a dance about once every few months. It'd basically be everyone crammed into the school gym with lights and music. The odd time it was a video dance.
I remember in grade 8 I had gone to the dance and was having a really good time. At one point there was a song I liked but none of my friends were around to dance with me. I remember thinking "Hey! I'm having such a good time in high school! This is great! I don't need to have my friends dancing with me! I'm Mr. Cool. I'll just dance here all by myself."
Then this girl in my grade came up to me and smacked me across the face.
She threatened to kill me if she ever caught me dancing again.
Ah... high school memories.
Oddly enough most of what I remember is that much better...
Don't worry there's plenty more to come!
No.
My high school experience was more like this:
In grade 7 there was this nerdy girl in my class, Michelle. Everyday before school ended, she'd come up to me and say goodbye. At first I didn't think much of it but then I noticed that she was doing it every day. Being the nerdy 13 year old I was, that got me excited. I spent all of elementary school getting picked on by everyone and now this girl with long thick hair, deep voice and giant glasses was actually noticing me and being nice!
After weeks of being nervous around her I came up with this horrible idea to write her a note saying how much I liked her. I think I wrote a whole novel. I can't remember what I wrote but I remember it being a big piece of paper double sided without skipping lines.
I was so nervous, I think I just approached her after class and threw the note all folded up at her and ran out of class. I spent the whole bus ride home cursing at myself for doing something so stupid.
Needless to say, she never spoke to me again.
Ok that's not entirely true. I stopped hanging out with her and then in grade 8 or 9 she moved to another city and I never saw her again.
In grade 8 things didn't get any better. By then I had established my group of friends - 3 guys. Meanwhile the rest of the grade (and all the girls) was pretty much labeled as "The cool group". I remember how I'd do stupid things all the time just to feel accepted by them.
At my school we'd have a dance about once every few months. It'd basically be everyone crammed into the school gym with lights and music. The odd time it was a video dance.
I remember in grade 8 I had gone to the dance and was having a really good time. At one point there was a song I liked but none of my friends were around to dance with me. I remember thinking "Hey! I'm having such a good time in high school! This is great! I don't need to have my friends dancing with me! I'm Mr. Cool. I'll just dance here all by myself."
Then this girl in my grade came up to me and smacked me across the face.
She threatened to kill me if she ever caught me dancing again.
Ah... high school memories.
Oddly enough most of what I remember is that much better...
Don't worry there's plenty more to come!
Sigh...
I just walked by the kitchen table and saw a box of Viagara.
My dad is getting more action than me...
My dad is in his 70s...
I think I'm going to be sick.
My dad is getting more action than me...
My dad is in his 70s...
I think I'm going to be sick.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Wake Up Call
Yesterday, for reasons beyond explanation, I really wanted to call Wendy.
Maybe it was because I was tired and things were slow at work, but all day I kept thinking "wow I can't wait to call Wendy tonight".
It killed me.
Regardless of the fact that we broke up, I just hate feeling defendant on someone. After feeling that all day I started to get the feeling that when I did call her it wouldn't fulfill whatever void I was feeling that day [Note: I'm talking a general sense. I just felt like talking to her about anything, not necessarily about us or our situation].
Before bed, I finally called her.
The first half of the conversation was actually not too bad. Talked about a bunch of stuff and both sounded genuinely into it.
Then I got totally thrown off guard.
Wendy started to tell me about how she went to a rock show with her Guy Friend and how her other friend, Facebook Friend was telling her the other day that she should totally go after Guy Friend. She kept going on about it and saying all these things.
I just froze.
Here I am in bed, talking to my ex-girlfried/friend/limbo girlfiend (I don't know what she is anymore - she hasn't told me her thoughts on the matter...) like we always did, and now she's telling me about going after other guys.
I felt so stupid.
I thought to myself "Wow...I ended up exactly where I didn't want to end up!". That place where I still like her, thinking everything will go back to normal. Meanwhile, she has different thoughts on the horizon.
Well....
turns out I really am stupid.
Turns out I just misunderstood the whole thing. Facebook friend wasn't trying to hook Wendy and Guy Friend together, Facebook Friend wanted to hook up with Guy Friend (and it turns out Guy Friend has a girlfriend...).
Wendy said "Why would i be telling you this?".
I felt a lot better but it was a wake up call. It's made me realize that although things feel right, there is still this small issue of "whats going on" that needs to be addressed soon.
I've seen other friends do the pretend boyfriend/girlfriend thing (one such friend thought if he kept kissing his ex on the cheek instead of the lips, then none of us would think they were still going out...) and in the end someone gets hurt.
Maybe I'm over reacting but I just need to keep a head on my shoulders so I don't get hurt.
Maybe it was because I was tired and things were slow at work, but all day I kept thinking "wow I can't wait to call Wendy tonight".
It killed me.
Regardless of the fact that we broke up, I just hate feeling defendant on someone. After feeling that all day I started to get the feeling that when I did call her it wouldn't fulfill whatever void I was feeling that day [Note: I'm talking a general sense. I just felt like talking to her about anything, not necessarily about us or our situation].
Before bed, I finally called her.
The first half of the conversation was actually not too bad. Talked about a bunch of stuff and both sounded genuinely into it.
Then I got totally thrown off guard.
Wendy started to tell me about how she went to a rock show with her Guy Friend and how her other friend, Facebook Friend was telling her the other day that she should totally go after Guy Friend. She kept going on about it and saying all these things.
I just froze.
Here I am in bed, talking to my ex-girlfried/friend/limbo girlfiend (I don't know what she is anymore - she hasn't told me her thoughts on the matter...) like we always did, and now she's telling me about going after other guys.
I felt so stupid.
I thought to myself "Wow...I ended up exactly where I didn't want to end up!". That place where I still like her, thinking everything will go back to normal. Meanwhile, she has different thoughts on the horizon.
Well....
turns out I really am stupid.
Turns out I just misunderstood the whole thing. Facebook friend wasn't trying to hook Wendy and Guy Friend together, Facebook Friend wanted to hook up with Guy Friend (and it turns out Guy Friend has a girlfriend...).
Wendy said "Why would i be telling you this?".
I felt a lot better but it was a wake up call. It's made me realize that although things feel right, there is still this small issue of "whats going on" that needs to be addressed soon.
I've seen other friends do the pretend boyfriend/girlfriend thing (one such friend thought if he kept kissing his ex on the cheek instead of the lips, then none of us would think they were still going out...) and in the end someone gets hurt.
Maybe I'm over reacting but I just need to keep a head on my shoulders so I don't get hurt.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Self Analysis
Although I'm hard on myself sometimes and there are a few traits I have that I wish I could change, I've come to the realization that it's very hard to change who you are and I've come to accept who I am.
I find that in a way I'm two different type of people trapped in the same body.
In general, I think I'm a pretty outgoing kind of guy. I can be loud at times. I'm not afraid to talk to people. Not afraid to go up n a stage and make a fool of myself (ex: Kareoke). I really burst out of my bubble during University and made lots of friends and acquaintances. I have a way of knowing how to talk to people.
By people I mean anyone who's not female.
When it comes to women, I'm the complete opposite.
I get shy and nervous. I try to impress too much. Then I get hard on myself.
In general I think I lack a certain kind of confidence. I'm not saying I'm completely insecure, just that I need to work on it. I'm like that with women, work, making decisions, etc.
I'm a very sensitive guy. I've been known to cry for some of the dumbest reasons while growing up.
Although I am a gentlemen and I like to help others, at times I tend to put others before me.
I try not to, but sometimes I also tend to care how others judge me. For example, when I had a fall out with Psycho Girl (I was drunk and spilled water all over her - purposely - she was not happy) I tried so hard to get her to not be angry with me and felt horrible for a couple of weeks. Then when I got her approval, I realized I wanted nothing to do with her but just knowing someone was angry with me made me nuts.
I also have a bad habit of being too open. I used to tell everyone about my problems because they would really bother me.
I've got a lot better and now I'm telling the whole internet about my problems.
The hard thing is that Wendy is the exact opposite.
She's strong willed. More confident than I am. She's very personal and doesn't talk to anyone about her personal life.
When we were dating she never openly told anyone I was her boyfriend. I would never hear her tell someone "I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Elwood".
On the plus side, seeing that she kept a lot to herself rubbed off on a me a bit. I felt obliged to keep things in as she did or else I'd feel like I was doing something wrong.
Unfortunately, I feel like I've been slipping since we broke up.
I promised myself I wouldn't tell anyone at work but I spilled the beans twice. Once last week and once today.
I felt on the spot!
I was in the elevator with my boss and she asked me how Wendy was. So I told her we had broken up.
I've been asked that a lot lately and although I want to keep it to myself, I just can't lie about it. The truth is we broke up and that's what happened.
In a way it's good I"m being asked because I have to be reminded that it happened.
Because Wendy and I are in limbo it's hard to remember, but it did happen.
Like Wendy put it once recently: "things would be easier if we were mad at each other".
Hopefully I'll get some answers soon...
I find that in a way I'm two different type of people trapped in the same body.
In general, I think I'm a pretty outgoing kind of guy. I can be loud at times. I'm not afraid to talk to people. Not afraid to go up n a stage and make a fool of myself (ex: Kareoke). I really burst out of my bubble during University and made lots of friends and acquaintances. I have a way of knowing how to talk to people.
By people I mean anyone who's not female.
When it comes to women, I'm the complete opposite.
I get shy and nervous. I try to impress too much. Then I get hard on myself.
In general I think I lack a certain kind of confidence. I'm not saying I'm completely insecure, just that I need to work on it. I'm like that with women, work, making decisions, etc.
I'm a very sensitive guy. I've been known to cry for some of the dumbest reasons while growing up.
Although I am a gentlemen and I like to help others, at times I tend to put others before me.
I try not to, but sometimes I also tend to care how others judge me. For example, when I had a fall out with Psycho Girl (I was drunk and spilled water all over her - purposely - she was not happy) I tried so hard to get her to not be angry with me and felt horrible for a couple of weeks. Then when I got her approval, I realized I wanted nothing to do with her but just knowing someone was angry with me made me nuts.
I also have a bad habit of being too open. I used to tell everyone about my problems because they would really bother me.
I've got a lot better and now I'm telling the whole internet about my problems.
The hard thing is that Wendy is the exact opposite.
She's strong willed. More confident than I am. She's very personal and doesn't talk to anyone about her personal life.
When we were dating she never openly told anyone I was her boyfriend. I would never hear her tell someone "I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Elwood".
On the plus side, seeing that she kept a lot to herself rubbed off on a me a bit. I felt obliged to keep things in as she did or else I'd feel like I was doing something wrong.
Unfortunately, I feel like I've been slipping since we broke up.
I promised myself I wouldn't tell anyone at work but I spilled the beans twice. Once last week and once today.
I felt on the spot!
I was in the elevator with my boss and she asked me how Wendy was. So I told her we had broken up.
I've been asked that a lot lately and although I want to keep it to myself, I just can't lie about it. The truth is we broke up and that's what happened.
In a way it's good I"m being asked because I have to be reminded that it happened.
Because Wendy and I are in limbo it's hard to remember, but it did happen.
Like Wendy put it once recently: "things would be easier if we were mad at each other".
Hopefully I'll get some answers soon...
Monday, January 14, 2008
Living in Limbo
I've unfortunately had to pull in a whole weekend of overtime and haven't had a chance to write anything.
I'm actually exhausted right now and don't feel like dwelling on a whole story at the moment but thought it'd be a good time to recap a conversation I had with my brother Ira while he was driving me home from work earlier this evening.
He had asked how things went on Friday with Wendy. I've been really close to him lately, so he already knows everything that's been going on with Her and I the past couple of weeks.
I told him that the night went fine.
We hung out. We went to a book store and then a comedy show.
He asked me if it was "buddy-buddy". I don't think I would say it was buddy-buddy, per se. In the past I had a bad habit of touching Wendy a lot. Not touching her in a creepy way. I just mean stuff like holding her hand, stroking her neck etc. We were never really big on PDA. The most physical contact weld ever do in public was probably her sleeping on the bus with her head on my shoulder.
For the most part of the night, we had no physical contact at all. It felt different, but I think if we were to start over again, I'd try not to touch her as much. I think it took away from it by always having my hands on her somewhere, and not to contradict myself, but I started to feel creepy myself.
The only contact we had was when she laughed really hard at the show and rested her head on my shoulder for a couple of seconds.
Then Ira asked how the end of the night went.
I told him I dropped her off and told her that I've been thinking about us getting back together again and how she still sounded confused (as am I, so I don't blame her).
I also told him how we held hands and then she gave me a kiss tonight.
Ira asked me if I knew what would happen next.
I'm not sure what will happen next. I told Wendy that I didn't expect an answer overnight. I was thinking a lot this weekend and realized the ball is in her court.
I told her how I felt and it's now up to her to make a decision. I know that I really don't want to be the guy who starts pleading with her to get back together. Yes, I admit I've been confused lately, and yes I admit I wouldn't mind trying it again, but I truly believe I didn't do anything wrong to make me have to "win her heart back". So, if she's expecting that from me (which I highly doubt), she's not going to get it.
Also, I decided that I wouldn't call her. That I'd wait and see if she'd call me.
I told Ira that if she calls me and we talk about it and she doesn't want to continue than I 'll be fine with that since I can't force someone into something they don't want.
Then, I was about to say what I'd do if she called me but didn't bring it up, when he cut me off and said "then you'll just assume you're back together again?"
I was like "what?! NO!"
I think that is a terrible thing to think. What I was going to say was that I'd give it a little time, and although I'd like things to turn out for us, I don't want to sit and wait forever for her to make a decision and that it's important to keep track of time and know when to move on if need be.
To just assume I'm going out with her has got to be the worst decision to ever make. That would definitely cause the most heartache because If I was under that assumption but she had moved on and didn't tell me, then one day I'd find out she'd met someone new and I"d still be trying to get her rather than meet new people.
That is definitely something I'm looking to avoid.
As side note, she did call me tonight.
We had a nice long chat about nothing in particular.
Already we're talking like old times.
So the clock has started ticking. I have to make sure I keep track of where we go from her so as not to get her or disappointed if we're not going in the direction I think we are going.
Also, I noticed I stopped saying "sweet dreams" before hanging up. It's not that I wish her nasty nightmares. I guess I just want to see if she notices.
I'm actually exhausted right now and don't feel like dwelling on a whole story at the moment but thought it'd be a good time to recap a conversation I had with my brother Ira while he was driving me home from work earlier this evening.
He had asked how things went on Friday with Wendy. I've been really close to him lately, so he already knows everything that's been going on with Her and I the past couple of weeks.
I told him that the night went fine.
We hung out. We went to a book store and then a comedy show.
He asked me if it was "buddy-buddy". I don't think I would say it was buddy-buddy, per se. In the past I had a bad habit of touching Wendy a lot. Not touching her in a creepy way. I just mean stuff like holding her hand, stroking her neck etc. We were never really big on PDA. The most physical contact weld ever do in public was probably her sleeping on the bus with her head on my shoulder.
For the most part of the night, we had no physical contact at all. It felt different, but I think if we were to start over again, I'd try not to touch her as much. I think it took away from it by always having my hands on her somewhere, and not to contradict myself, but I started to feel creepy myself.
The only contact we had was when she laughed really hard at the show and rested her head on my shoulder for a couple of seconds.
Then Ira asked how the end of the night went.
I told him I dropped her off and told her that I've been thinking about us getting back together again and how she still sounded confused (as am I, so I don't blame her).
I also told him how we held hands and then she gave me a kiss tonight.
Ira asked me if I knew what would happen next.
I'm not sure what will happen next. I told Wendy that I didn't expect an answer overnight. I was thinking a lot this weekend and realized the ball is in her court.
I told her how I felt and it's now up to her to make a decision. I know that I really don't want to be the guy who starts pleading with her to get back together. Yes, I admit I've been confused lately, and yes I admit I wouldn't mind trying it again, but I truly believe I didn't do anything wrong to make me have to "win her heart back". So, if she's expecting that from me (which I highly doubt), she's not going to get it.
Also, I decided that I wouldn't call her. That I'd wait and see if she'd call me.
I told Ira that if she calls me and we talk about it and she doesn't want to continue than I 'll be fine with that since I can't force someone into something they don't want.
Then, I was about to say what I'd do if she called me but didn't bring it up, when he cut me off and said "then you'll just assume you're back together again?"
I was like "what?! NO!"
I think that is a terrible thing to think. What I was going to say was that I'd give it a little time, and although I'd like things to turn out for us, I don't want to sit and wait forever for her to make a decision and that it's important to keep track of time and know when to move on if need be.
To just assume I'm going out with her has got to be the worst decision to ever make. That would definitely cause the most heartache because If I was under that assumption but she had moved on and didn't tell me, then one day I'd find out she'd met someone new and I"d still be trying to get her rather than meet new people.
That is definitely something I'm looking to avoid.
As side note, she did call me tonight.
We had a nice long chat about nothing in particular.
Already we're talking like old times.
So the clock has started ticking. I have to make sure I keep track of where we go from her so as not to get her or disappointed if we're not going in the direction I think we are going.
Also, I noticed I stopped saying "sweet dreams" before hanging up. It's not that I wish her nasty nightmares. I guess I just want to see if she notices.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Post Break Up Meet
I met Wendy today for the first time since we broke up just over a week ago.
I had spoken to her 3 times this past week since we ended things. Each time we sounded more comfortable with each other and less awkward.
I had asked her on Wednesday if it was too much to ask her to go out with me on Friday. I had invited her to a comedy show and she said she'd like to go with me. I knew other friends would be there so it would lessen the tension (if there was any).
Overall the night went well. We talked, we laughed. I bought a book.
It felt good.
Then I drove her home and dread started to build up in me.
I didn't know what to expect.
When I pulled up to her house she was all ready to go and said good night. Then we kind of paused for a second. I thought she was ready to jump out of the car and instinctively grabbed her hand.
She didn't let go.
Instead, she put her head against me and laid there for a couple of minutes.
I asked her how she's been feeling and she said she's been up and down - one day she knows what she wants one day she's confused.
I told her I was like that too.
I asked her if she'd think we could get back together, and that if we did it wouldn't be the same. That I know now I"d share my feelings and if I saw things weren't going well I would speak up.
I also said that I realized I got scared when she admitted she was ready to get serious an di made it clear that I'm definitely not looking for anything serious right now.
She didn't say anything.
Then we just sat there for a few more minutes and told me "I'm going to kiss you now because you have to get up early and can't stay in the car all night"
She kissed me three times.
It felt good.
Then she said goodnight and left.
This time I felt like my feelings were working. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt normal.
I'm not sure what is going to happen and apparently neither is she.
I know it sounds weird but I know that I'd feel better if I tried to patch things up only for her to admit she doesn't want to try again, rather than not having said anything and leave our relationship as ending the way it did in the car over a week ago.
Time will tell.
I had spoken to her 3 times this past week since we ended things. Each time we sounded more comfortable with each other and less awkward.
I had asked her on Wednesday if it was too much to ask her to go out with me on Friday. I had invited her to a comedy show and she said she'd like to go with me. I knew other friends would be there so it would lessen the tension (if there was any).
Overall the night went well. We talked, we laughed. I bought a book.
It felt good.
Then I drove her home and dread started to build up in me.
I didn't know what to expect.
When I pulled up to her house she was all ready to go and said good night. Then we kind of paused for a second. I thought she was ready to jump out of the car and instinctively grabbed her hand.
She didn't let go.
Instead, she put her head against me and laid there for a couple of minutes.
I asked her how she's been feeling and she said she's been up and down - one day she knows what she wants one day she's confused.
I told her I was like that too.
I asked her if she'd think we could get back together, and that if we did it wouldn't be the same. That I know now I"d share my feelings and if I saw things weren't going well I would speak up.
I also said that I realized I got scared when she admitted she was ready to get serious an di made it clear that I'm definitely not looking for anything serious right now.
She didn't say anything.
Then we just sat there for a few more minutes and told me "I'm going to kiss you now because you have to get up early and can't stay in the car all night"
She kissed me three times.
It felt good.
Then she said goodnight and left.
This time I felt like my feelings were working. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt normal.
I'm not sure what is going to happen and apparently neither is she.
I know it sounds weird but I know that I'd feel better if I tried to patch things up only for her to admit she doesn't want to try again, rather than not having said anything and leave our relationship as ending the way it did in the car over a week ago.
Time will tell.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Worry Wort
This whole week I've worrying about what I want to be doing with Wendy.
Should I try to go out with her again? Should we stay broken up? Do I want to be her friend? Do I want to date other people? Etc.
Aside from all the worrying and wondering I do know one thing:
When I talk to Wendy, I feel good.
I spoke to her tonight and all my worries went away. I have always felt that when I would wonder or worry about something during the past 10 months, when I talked to her I just forgot all about it. I also know that it's not because I'm lonely and it's just good to talk to someone. It's talking to her that makes me feel good.
I will admit that it was lacking a bit near the end but since last week ,we spoke 3 times on the phone and each time, especially tonight was nice and engaging.
I learned something new about her that I did not know (about what she does at work) and it made me realize that even though I dated her for 10 months, I really don't know a lot about her.
I'm starting to think that somewhere in the last 10 months that we both stopped trying and our relationship plateaued too quickly.
Maybe it's worth trying to see what would happen if we both put a better effort into it.
I can only take on e step at a time.
Tomorrow we're going out to watch a comedy show with friends.
I'll most likely have something to post about that (good or bad).
Should I try to go out with her again? Should we stay broken up? Do I want to be her friend? Do I want to date other people? Etc.
Aside from all the worrying and wondering I do know one thing:
When I talk to Wendy, I feel good.
I spoke to her tonight and all my worries went away. I have always felt that when I would wonder or worry about something during the past 10 months, when I talked to her I just forgot all about it. I also know that it's not because I'm lonely and it's just good to talk to someone. It's talking to her that makes me feel good.
I will admit that it was lacking a bit near the end but since last week ,we spoke 3 times on the phone and each time, especially tonight was nice and engaging.
I learned something new about her that I did not know (about what she does at work) and it made me realize that even though I dated her for 10 months, I really don't know a lot about her.
I'm starting to think that somewhere in the last 10 months that we both stopped trying and our relationship plateaued too quickly.
Maybe it's worth trying to see what would happen if we both put a better effort into it.
I can only take on e step at a time.
Tomorrow we're going out to watch a comedy show with friends.
I'll most likely have something to post about that (good or bad).
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Be Kind Rewind
It's funny but a big part of my relationship with Wendy revolved around renting movies.
Wendy and I met last February. We met online and saw each other in person for the first time at a bar. For the most part it went well until an old friend from University saw me. For now reason, he decided to play me up saying things to Wendy like "How do you know this king among men? This god of a man?!?". She was like "um... we just met". He drunkly said goodbye and Wendy and I had something to laugh about for a while.
We went on 3 more outside dates until our first movie date.
Actually, we were supposed to go play pool but I somehow got lost and took the wrong exit to her place. I had to make a detour and was 45 minutes late. By then she was too tired and wanted to rent a movie.
I was actually excited at first because it meant I'd be with her in her house. Alone.
Then I got really nervous because it meant I'd be with her in house. ALONE!
I picked her up and we went and rented Half Nelson (with Ryan Gosling).
The whole way back to her house I kept thinking how things are going to be when we get there. I wasn't sure what to do when we sat on the couch; sit next to her, put my arm around her, etc.
We get inside, parents are asleep. She leads me downstairs, and I see no couch.
Only a bed!
I'm sure any other guys would have been excited but I was sweating bullets.
I laid down on it on one side and just watched the movie. After while she leaned on me and it felt good. It felt really good actually. It was the first time I ever had a female in my arms (who wasn't piss drunk or using me to make someone else jealous).
This was a pivotal part in our relationship. It was the beginning of me getting comfortable with Wendy.
By the end of the movie, Wendy had half fallen asleep. We talked a bit and I can't remember completely, but I'm not even sure we kissed. I do remember that when I left, she just gave me a hug.
For a while I thought that was the last time I'd see her, but for some reason we kept going out and eventually dated for 10 months.
The "movie date" evolved over the ten month. After the first one, the following ones had the same pattern:
1. Rent a movie
2. Watch movie
3. Snuggle and watch some tv
4. Make out
This happened for a while and eventually step 4 evolved into more than just making out but when never hit a home run.
Looking back now, one of the reasons was we'd only start making out at an extremely late hour! I'd meet her at 8:30, we'd watch the movie and finish it by 11 or 12am and on start making out by 1am.
I don't know if she wanted to make out during the movies but she never showed it and I guess I"m to blame too, but most the time we rented stuff I really wanted to watch!
Eventually, we stopped making out. She'd be too tired to do much of anything, so we'd watch a movie. Then she'd fall asleep in my arms.
By now I was more confident and comfortable with her and would try to kiss her and tickle her, but I'd mostly get an annoyed "stop!" instead of a kiss.
The last time she came over to watch a movie before we broke up, she fell asleep and was so dead to the world that she asked if she could crash over.
I don't know if I was being selfish or what, but deep down inside I was so pissed. The reason being that I'd ask her to stay multiple times before and she'd always so no or have an excuse. The 3 or 4 times she did crash over was also because she was too tired to drive but for those occasions, I convinced her to stay over.
During those times, absolutely nothing would happen except bad sleep. I have a single bed and can't sleep well with someone else in it.
This last time, I had enough. I almost wanted to tell her to just go home, but I came to my senses and realized she was way to tired to drive.
The plus side was we both kind of woke up long enough to lie in bed and just talk about stuff, which made it all worth it.
This was one of the things I wanted to bring up to Wendy but she beat me to it with the e-mail I got a few weeks ago.
We talked about it on the phone and in the car on the final night. In the end she apologized for seeming like she wanted to push me away (because she was physically pushing me away at times). I think the thought of being in that position again (lying on the couch with my arms around her totally bored while she sleeps, and not able to move without waking her up) is what made me have a lot of doubt when we talked about our future. I was afraid things would go back to that.
However, as much as I'm complaining, sharing a couch with a beautiful girl is always more fun than watching a movie with a large pillow.
Wendy and I met last February. We met online and saw each other in person for the first time at a bar. For the most part it went well until an old friend from University saw me. For now reason, he decided to play me up saying things to Wendy like "How do you know this king among men? This god of a man?!?". She was like "um... we just met". He drunkly said goodbye and Wendy and I had something to laugh about for a while.
We went on 3 more outside dates until our first movie date.
Actually, we were supposed to go play pool but I somehow got lost and took the wrong exit to her place. I had to make a detour and was 45 minutes late. By then she was too tired and wanted to rent a movie.
I was actually excited at first because it meant I'd be with her in her house. Alone.
Then I got really nervous because it meant I'd be with her in house. ALONE!
I picked her up and we went and rented Half Nelson (with Ryan Gosling).
The whole way back to her house I kept thinking how things are going to be when we get there. I wasn't sure what to do when we sat on the couch; sit next to her, put my arm around her, etc.
We get inside, parents are asleep. She leads me downstairs, and I see no couch.
Only a bed!
I'm sure any other guys would have been excited but I was sweating bullets.
I laid down on it on one side and just watched the movie. After while she leaned on me and it felt good. It felt really good actually. It was the first time I ever had a female in my arms (who wasn't piss drunk or using me to make someone else jealous).
This was a pivotal part in our relationship. It was the beginning of me getting comfortable with Wendy.
By the end of the movie, Wendy had half fallen asleep. We talked a bit and I can't remember completely, but I'm not even sure we kissed. I do remember that when I left, she just gave me a hug.
For a while I thought that was the last time I'd see her, but for some reason we kept going out and eventually dated for 10 months.
The "movie date" evolved over the ten month. After the first one, the following ones had the same pattern:
1. Rent a movie
2. Watch movie
3. Snuggle and watch some tv
4. Make out
This happened for a while and eventually step 4 evolved into more than just making out but when never hit a home run.
Looking back now, one of the reasons was we'd only start making out at an extremely late hour! I'd meet her at 8:30, we'd watch the movie and finish it by 11 or 12am and on start making out by 1am.
I don't know if she wanted to make out during the movies but she never showed it and I guess I"m to blame too, but most the time we rented stuff I really wanted to watch!
Eventually, we stopped making out. She'd be too tired to do much of anything, so we'd watch a movie. Then she'd fall asleep in my arms.
By now I was more confident and comfortable with her and would try to kiss her and tickle her, but I'd mostly get an annoyed "stop!" instead of a kiss.
The last time she came over to watch a movie before we broke up, she fell asleep and was so dead to the world that she asked if she could crash over.
I don't know if I was being selfish or what, but deep down inside I was so pissed. The reason being that I'd ask her to stay multiple times before and she'd always so no or have an excuse. The 3 or 4 times she did crash over was also because she was too tired to drive but for those occasions, I convinced her to stay over.
During those times, absolutely nothing would happen except bad sleep. I have a single bed and can't sleep well with someone else in it.
This last time, I had enough. I almost wanted to tell her to just go home, but I came to my senses and realized she was way to tired to drive.
The plus side was we both kind of woke up long enough to lie in bed and just talk about stuff, which made it all worth it.
This was one of the things I wanted to bring up to Wendy but she beat me to it with the e-mail I got a few weeks ago.
We talked about it on the phone and in the car on the final night. In the end she apologized for seeming like she wanted to push me away (because she was physically pushing me away at times). I think the thought of being in that position again (lying on the couch with my arms around her totally bored while she sleeps, and not able to move without waking her up) is what made me have a lot of doubt when we talked about our future. I was afraid things would go back to that.
However, as much as I'm complaining, sharing a couch with a beautiful girl is always more fun than watching a movie with a large pillow.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Elwoods Dating Stories 1 - First Kiss
Unlike most people, I only had my first kiss when I was 23.
I was so shy being around girls growing up that I never even kissed someone as a joke (ex: truth or dare).
I don't know why I was shy around girls I just was. Maybe it was my lack of female interaction. I don't have any sisters, or cousins close to my age whom I hung out with. I only started making real female friends in University. I think a big reason for that was I was one of those "I have a crush on every girl" kind of guys (I think I still am...). That probably turned off a lot of girls from talking to me. I hear that have radar that can tell when I guy likes them and then it''s all "shields up!".
Things changed a bit in University. I became super outgoing. I met tons of people, males and females. Although I wasn't close to even less than half of them, there was a time when I could walk down the hallway and know about 100 people.
The reason for that? I was really big in participating with Frosh (freshman week parties).
It all started my freshman year in 2000.
I payed 50$ to meet and party with about a 1000 people (new and old students) of 3 days.
I had such a good time I was sucked in.
I moved up the ranks:
The following year I was a Frosh Leader, taking care of all the freshman and making sure they were having a blast. I did such a good job and made so many friends in the faculty of Science, I was asked to organize Frosh for 2002.
Organizing Frosh was so much fun but so intense that I decided to demote myself to Super Volunteer. That meant I could do everything for free like an Organizer, but less responsibility.
So the summer of 2003 is when I had my first kiss
I met Pekoe (her nickname will make sense later) at a friend's bbq. She seemed pretty cute and I could see a guy or two trying to chat her up. Eventually I talked to her but wasn't trying anything.
A couple of weeks later, when Frosh started, I had bumped into her a bunch of times. She was a Frosh Leader, and i being a Super Volunteer, our paths crossed a lot during the day (the main difference being she was able to get trashed and party, while i had to set up and clean up the areas we used to party).
Frosh is typically 3 days, and at the 3 nights there is a party at a club or bar.
On the second night, I left early to go catch a Bjork Concert (it was really good but I was so exhausted from the partying, that I fell asleep at the show...). After the show, my energy got a second whim and I wen to the bar where the party was being held.
Weirdly enough, at the bar, I bumped into a cousin of mine who was visiting for Out of Town. I didn't even know he was in My City. He was looking to meet girls and i introduced him to some friends but we ended up hanging out with Pekoe and her friends most the night.
At the end of the night my cousin brought us back to his hotel room. I could tell her really wanted to get it on with Pekoe but she wanted nothing to do with him and I ended up being a gentleman and walked her home.
On the last night of Frosh, things got very interesting. I live far from the downtown area and needed a place to crash. Someone I knew said she wasn't going back to her apartment after the party and said I could have her bed.
Turns out she was Pekoe's roommate!
At the club, I had a fucking blast! Dancing around, grinding with girls (most of them friends) and just drinking the night away. I kept dancing with Pekoe as well.
We took a break and she even told me she thought I was cute.
All night I probably had a chance to make out with her but remember, I'm shy! SO nothing happened.
Finally, at the end of the night I walked her home. We held hands! I was super excited. (this was the first time I ever got affection from someone else, little did I know that alcohol does that to people).
Inside her apartment we talked for a while and I could tell she wanted to kiss me but I was so shy.
Finally I pulled the most unromantic cheap shot. I told her I've never been kissed.
She laughed. Then asked if I wanted my first kiss. I said OK.
Such a high school moment but hey, I never had that experience in high school.
We kissed.
It felt weird to me. So weird that I blurted out: "Wow! That tasted like Jelly Fish!". As you can tell, I had a lot to drink.
Following that embarrassing moment by saying something like "you're hair looks like Orange Pekoe!". Her hair was this dirty orange/red which I quite liked. Her reaction to that was "Orange Pekoe? Thats' not a color! Thats a tea flavor!.
We kissed some more and then she changed into something "more comfortable".
Had I not been so shy, this story would also be named "First Time I Had Sex", but instead of trying anything, I went in her bed and slept.
This may explain why she never called me back...
I was so shy being around girls growing up that I never even kissed someone as a joke (ex: truth or dare).
I don't know why I was shy around girls I just was. Maybe it was my lack of female interaction. I don't have any sisters, or cousins close to my age whom I hung out with. I only started making real female friends in University. I think a big reason for that was I was one of those "I have a crush on every girl" kind of guys (I think I still am...). That probably turned off a lot of girls from talking to me. I hear that have radar that can tell when I guy likes them and then it''s all "shields up!".
Things changed a bit in University. I became super outgoing. I met tons of people, males and females. Although I wasn't close to even less than half of them, there was a time when I could walk down the hallway and know about 100 people.
The reason for that? I was really big in participating with Frosh (freshman week parties).
It all started my freshman year in 2000.
I payed 50$ to meet and party with about a 1000 people (new and old students) of 3 days.
I had such a good time I was sucked in.
I moved up the ranks:
The following year I was a Frosh Leader, taking care of all the freshman and making sure they were having a blast. I did such a good job and made so many friends in the faculty of Science, I was asked to organize Frosh for 2002.
Organizing Frosh was so much fun but so intense that I decided to demote myself to Super Volunteer. That meant I could do everything for free like an Organizer, but less responsibility.
So the summer of 2003 is when I had my first kiss
I met Pekoe (her nickname will make sense later) at a friend's bbq. She seemed pretty cute and I could see a guy or two trying to chat her up. Eventually I talked to her but wasn't trying anything.
A couple of weeks later, when Frosh started, I had bumped into her a bunch of times. She was a Frosh Leader, and i being a Super Volunteer, our paths crossed a lot during the day (the main difference being she was able to get trashed and party, while i had to set up and clean up the areas we used to party).
Frosh is typically 3 days, and at the 3 nights there is a party at a club or bar.
On the second night, I left early to go catch a Bjork Concert (it was really good but I was so exhausted from the partying, that I fell asleep at the show...). After the show, my energy got a second whim and I wen to the bar where the party was being held.
Weirdly enough, at the bar, I bumped into a cousin of mine who was visiting for Out of Town. I didn't even know he was in My City. He was looking to meet girls and i introduced him to some friends but we ended up hanging out with Pekoe and her friends most the night.
At the end of the night my cousin brought us back to his hotel room. I could tell her really wanted to get it on with Pekoe but she wanted nothing to do with him and I ended up being a gentleman and walked her home.
On the last night of Frosh, things got very interesting. I live far from the downtown area and needed a place to crash. Someone I knew said she wasn't going back to her apartment after the party and said I could have her bed.
Turns out she was Pekoe's roommate!
At the club, I had a fucking blast! Dancing around, grinding with girls (most of them friends) and just drinking the night away. I kept dancing with Pekoe as well.
We took a break and she even told me she thought I was cute.
All night I probably had a chance to make out with her but remember, I'm shy! SO nothing happened.
Finally, at the end of the night I walked her home. We held hands! I was super excited. (this was the first time I ever got affection from someone else, little did I know that alcohol does that to people).
Inside her apartment we talked for a while and I could tell she wanted to kiss me but I was so shy.
Finally I pulled the most unromantic cheap shot. I told her I've never been kissed.
She laughed. Then asked if I wanted my first kiss. I said OK.
Such a high school moment but hey, I never had that experience in high school.
We kissed.
It felt weird to me. So weird that I blurted out: "Wow! That tasted like Jelly Fish!". As you can tell, I had a lot to drink.
Following that embarrassing moment by saying something like "you're hair looks like Orange Pekoe!". Her hair was this dirty orange/red which I quite liked. Her reaction to that was "Orange Pekoe? Thats' not a color! Thats a tea flavor!.
We kissed some more and then she changed into something "more comfortable".
Had I not been so shy, this story would also be named "First Time I Had Sex", but instead of trying anything, I went in her bed and slept.
This may explain why she never called me back...
Baby steps
Last night, as promised, I called Wendy.
Things were less awkward but I think I kept making it a tad more since I wasn't sure how to talk to her. I didn't want her to think that I had the attitude that "everything was back to normal". Obviously it wasn't. We had a real deep talk that resulted in her getting super upset and spent 3 days in bed (well 2 of the 3 days were due to a virus she caught). I fell I would be a jerk to be all "well, I changed my mind, lets get back together."
On the other hand, I do feel a little sorry but I don't think I really need to apologize for "getting her upset". We both brought it on ourselves.
I told her that we should maybe just talk on the phone for a bit before meeting. Take it slow. I'm playing with the thought of inviting her out to see a comedy I'm invited to on Friday...
Anyways, we talked for a couple of hours and it felt good.
She was tired and still recovering so she let me go and said she was glad I called.
Now I'm curious to see if she'll call me sometime this week. I don't want to be the one that keeps calling her. She's still sorting shit out (me too) and my telling her I'd wait a few days before calling her and only wait two instead, probably didn't help her much.
Let's see what the future holds...
Things were less awkward but I think I kept making it a tad more since I wasn't sure how to talk to her. I didn't want her to think that I had the attitude that "everything was back to normal". Obviously it wasn't. We had a real deep talk that resulted in her getting super upset and spent 3 days in bed (well 2 of the 3 days were due to a virus she caught). I fell I would be a jerk to be all "well, I changed my mind, lets get back together."
On the other hand, I do feel a little sorry but I don't think I really need to apologize for "getting her upset". We both brought it on ourselves.
I told her that we should maybe just talk on the phone for a bit before meeting. Take it slow. I'm playing with the thought of inviting her out to see a comedy I'm invited to on Friday...
Anyways, we talked for a couple of hours and it felt good.
She was tired and still recovering so she let me go and said she was glad I called.
Now I'm curious to see if she'll call me sometime this week. I don't want to be the one that keeps calling her. She's still sorting shit out (me too) and my telling her I'd wait a few days before calling her and only wait two instead, probably didn't help her much.
Let's see what the future holds...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Couldn't resist...
Tonight I went to an 80's dance club for an old friend's birthday party.
The whole night I was thinking of Wendy.
Body Builder came with me and saw that I was not enjoying myself. He looked at me and said "just call her. You look like you'd be having more fun if she was there"
So I did.
I called her in the waiting room. She picked up and for the first time, didn't sound happy to hear from me. I thought to myself right away that I made a mistake calling her because she doesn't want to hear form me. It was more awkward talking tonight than it was the night we had our first talk on the phone last Tuesday.
On Tuesday it felt like she really wanted to talk to me and wasn't even accepting that it could be over.
Tonight, thought, she totally sounded distant (which I don't blame her) and there were lots of pauses in our conversation.
However, after a couple of minutes talking she listened and then admitted she was happy to hear from me. Eventually I even got her laughing a bit.
We didn't keep the phone call that long btu I asked if I could call her back tomorrow and she said yes.
I realized tonight that I'm through listening to advice, worrying about my thoughts, being afraid, and I'm going to try and just do what happens and go with the flow.
The whole night I was thinking of Wendy.
Body Builder came with me and saw that I was not enjoying myself. He looked at me and said "just call her. You look like you'd be having more fun if she was there"
So I did.
I called her in the waiting room. She picked up and for the first time, didn't sound happy to hear from me. I thought to myself right away that I made a mistake calling her because she doesn't want to hear form me. It was more awkward talking tonight than it was the night we had our first talk on the phone last Tuesday.
On Tuesday it felt like she really wanted to talk to me and wasn't even accepting that it could be over.
Tonight, thought, she totally sounded distant (which I don't blame her) and there were lots of pauses in our conversation.
However, after a couple of minutes talking she listened and then admitted she was happy to hear from me. Eventually I even got her laughing a bit.
We didn't keep the phone call that long btu I asked if I could call her back tomorrow and she said yes.
I realized tonight that I'm through listening to advice, worrying about my thoughts, being afraid, and I'm going to try and just do what happens and go with the flow.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Aftermath
It's been 3 day since Wendy and I broke up.
I keep thinking about it.
I keep talking about it. Trying to analyze everything. Looking for advice. Looking for answers.
It just feels all over whelming.
I'm now having doubts about what happened.
Most of the people I told seem to think that I made the right choice.
However, a good friend of mine, Body Builder (he works out) disagrees.
Body builder was out of town since before Christmas so he didn't know about anything that happened. He's a bit older than I am and really experienced with girls. He's dated a lot and is a bit of player although he doesn't promote that I be like him, he more gives me advice on a deep level, because he understands a lot.
He got really mad when I told him the whole story about Wendy and I breaking up. He told me that he can tell from what I've told him in the past that I must like her. He also said that it didn't matter that Wendy and I were too afraid to continue or not and that we should have used the night as a sign of a new start since we were bonding so well that night. If things were to have continued poorly than we would have known it wasn't meant to happen but now Wendy and I will never know.
Basically Body Builder spelled it out to me: She had her heart out at me, not sure if she wanted to get serious or not but still wanted something with me, and I was also unsure. So why end it?
Now my head really feels like mush.
I checked Facebook and saw that Wendy's profile says she's feeling really shitty for so many reasons.
I keep wanting to call her and see if she's ok, maybe even tell her we're making a mistake...
Sigh...
Worst of all I blame myself for feeling this way because I told so many people before I could think logically (which I don't think I'm still totally there). Now if I change my mind so many people will wonder why I'm doing the opposite of what I had told them earlier. I know I should care how people judge me but I feel a bit like a fool.
This whole thing is fucked up... why can't it feel so black and white, right and wrong?
I keep thinking about it.
I keep talking about it. Trying to analyze everything. Looking for advice. Looking for answers.
It just feels all over whelming.
I'm now having doubts about what happened.
Most of the people I told seem to think that I made the right choice.
However, a good friend of mine, Body Builder (he works out) disagrees.
Body builder was out of town since before Christmas so he didn't know about anything that happened. He's a bit older than I am and really experienced with girls. He's dated a lot and is a bit of player although he doesn't promote that I be like him, he more gives me advice on a deep level, because he understands a lot.
He got really mad when I told him the whole story about Wendy and I breaking up. He told me that he can tell from what I've told him in the past that I must like her. He also said that it didn't matter that Wendy and I were too afraid to continue or not and that we should have used the night as a sign of a new start since we were bonding so well that night. If things were to have continued poorly than we would have known it wasn't meant to happen but now Wendy and I will never know.
Basically Body Builder spelled it out to me: She had her heart out at me, not sure if she wanted to get serious or not but still wanted something with me, and I was also unsure. So why end it?
Now my head really feels like mush.
I checked Facebook and saw that Wendy's profile says she's feeling really shitty for so many reasons.
I keep wanting to call her and see if she's ok, maybe even tell her we're making a mistake...
Sigh...
Worst of all I blame myself for feeling this way because I told so many people before I could think logically (which I don't think I'm still totally there). Now if I change my mind so many people will wonder why I'm doing the opposite of what I had told them earlier. I know I should care how people judge me but I feel a bit like a fool.
This whole thing is fucked up... why can't it feel so black and white, right and wrong?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Whats wrong with my heart?
There is this show called Dexter that I like to watch. It's basically about this guy who grew up with the urge to kill people but is taught by his foster father (who is a cop) how to hone in on his urges to kill only bad people. Eventually he grows up and becomes a forensic cop. Anyways, besides the fact that character is a killer, he has no emotions, and throughout the season we see him pretending to feel emotion and react to situations. We see him fall in love with his girlfriend, care for her kids and look after his sister, but in reality he's just pretending.
Last night, I'm ashamed to say it, but I kind of felt like Dexter. No I didn't want to kill Wendy. I just couldn't find the emotion I thought I would have. I wasn't bored. I said a lot of deep things to her and meant every word but at points it felt almost forced. Here I am with this beautiful woman in my arms and I couldn't even react. I wasn't angry at her, I wasn't mad at myself, I wasn't crying. I was just holding her and couldn't get a single thought in my head.
It really scared me. It made me think that besides all the stuff going on with Wendy, that I may need to figure myself out before I get involved with someone else. I've contemplated seeing a psychologist for a while now. Maybe it's time I see one...
When I got into my house I ad a quick chat with my brother Ira and he told me I can't force feelings I think I should have to appear. I believe that, I just want to know why they're missing.
Last night, I'm ashamed to say it, but I kind of felt like Dexter. No I didn't want to kill Wendy. I just couldn't find the emotion I thought I would have. I wasn't bored. I said a lot of deep things to her and meant every word but at points it felt almost forced. Here I am with this beautiful woman in my arms and I couldn't even react. I wasn't angry at her, I wasn't mad at myself, I wasn't crying. I was just holding her and couldn't get a single thought in my head.
It really scared me. It made me think that besides all the stuff going on with Wendy, that I may need to figure myself out before I get involved with someone else. I've contemplated seeing a psychologist for a while now. Maybe it's time I see one...
When I got into my house I ad a quick chat with my brother Ira and he told me I can't force feelings I think I should have to appear. I believe that, I just want to know why they're missing.
Tough Times Part 2
I'm really ranting now and may be babbling over and over the same things so I figured I'd split the rant into two posts. Please read below for part 1.
I know that deep down inside I really did not want to hurt Wendy and was afraid that even if we fixed things, what was the point in continuing if she were to fall madly in love with me and I would still feel indifferent. and I know at first she said she wasn't sure on her feelings either, but after her letting them all out, I could tell she was more attached to me than she wanted to admit.
I really wish I could have felt the same way back, but I just didn't. I really like her but this whole situation is just making me more confused than straightening out any answers.
I originally thought that I could not stay friends with her if we broke up but I never realized how much I meant to her and how much she meant to me and promised her that I would still be her friend, that I just needed a few days break from her to be by myself.
We still kept talking about "us" and the topic of sex came up. Wendy admitted that she had really wanted to do it that time she got sick, and that she wasn't drunk then but felt sick from drinking earlier. She got really upset and told me that she didn't want me to lose my virginity on a drunken night out and that she had wanted it to special. I told her I would never do it with a stranger while drunk (believe me if I had wanted to there are always ways of hooking up while drunk).
I probably kept messing with her head but I truly meant it when I said that I had grown comfortable with her and had wanted her to be my first time.
Then we did what any emotionally charged individuals would do. We made out.
It got so hot and passionate.
We weren't sure what we were doing but she said that maybe it could be a way of saying goodbye.
Another problem was we didn't have any condoms in the car. Another thing missing was logic. We both stopped thinking rationally. We even drove back to my house and played with the thought of going into my room but my mom was still up. Wendy waited in the car while I went inside and grabbed a box of condoms. We went driving again btu then both of us had to go to the bathroom and stopped at a coffee shop.
After the pit stop we went back in the car and drove back to my house since we ran out of ideas as to where to go.
We started making out again but it just wasn't going to happen. I could tell she really wanted it but I was having doubts. I really wanted to, but something just didn't feel right. Deep down, I knew I would just be playing with her feeling and mine.
This was the problem we had from the beginning and i guess it only added more to my hesitation.
We held each other again but I couldn't take it anymore. We just sat in the car and it was getting late. I was even getting sleepy. I was so angry with myself. I'm in a car having the biggest heart to heart ever and I was falling asleep. I truly thought that something was wrong with me.
I finally said that I had to go. Wendy got really upset and wanted me to not let her go. She asked me to promise her I would call her and be her friend. I did.
I held her a bit longer but then I realized it was up to me to put the action in motion.
I couldn't understand how this whole situation went from her not being sure if I was the right one for her to me having to tell her I don't love her.
I gave her one last long kiss, said good night and walked out of the car.
I looked back and she was crying her heart out.
I went inside. She was still in front for a few minutes and then drove off.
I really hope I didn't make a mistake...
I know that deep down inside I really did not want to hurt Wendy and was afraid that even if we fixed things, what was the point in continuing if she were to fall madly in love with me and I would still feel indifferent. and I know at first she said she wasn't sure on her feelings either, but after her letting them all out, I could tell she was more attached to me than she wanted to admit.
I really wish I could have felt the same way back, but I just didn't. I really like her but this whole situation is just making me more confused than straightening out any answers.
I originally thought that I could not stay friends with her if we broke up but I never realized how much I meant to her and how much she meant to me and promised her that I would still be her friend, that I just needed a few days break from her to be by myself.
We still kept talking about "us" and the topic of sex came up. Wendy admitted that she had really wanted to do it that time she got sick, and that she wasn't drunk then but felt sick from drinking earlier. She got really upset and told me that she didn't want me to lose my virginity on a drunken night out and that she had wanted it to special. I told her I would never do it with a stranger while drunk (believe me if I had wanted to there are always ways of hooking up while drunk).
I probably kept messing with her head but I truly meant it when I said that I had grown comfortable with her and had wanted her to be my first time.
Then we did what any emotionally charged individuals would do. We made out.
It got so hot and passionate.
We weren't sure what we were doing but she said that maybe it could be a way of saying goodbye.
Another problem was we didn't have any condoms in the car. Another thing missing was logic. We both stopped thinking rationally. We even drove back to my house and played with the thought of going into my room but my mom was still up. Wendy waited in the car while I went inside and grabbed a box of condoms. We went driving again btu then both of us had to go to the bathroom and stopped at a coffee shop.
After the pit stop we went back in the car and drove back to my house since we ran out of ideas as to where to go.
We started making out again but it just wasn't going to happen. I could tell she really wanted it but I was having doubts. I really wanted to, but something just didn't feel right. Deep down, I knew I would just be playing with her feeling and mine.
This was the problem we had from the beginning and i guess it only added more to my hesitation.
We held each other again but I couldn't take it anymore. We just sat in the car and it was getting late. I was even getting sleepy. I was so angry with myself. I'm in a car having the biggest heart to heart ever and I was falling asleep. I truly thought that something was wrong with me.
I finally said that I had to go. Wendy got really upset and wanted me to not let her go. She asked me to promise her I would call her and be her friend. I did.
I held her a bit longer but then I realized it was up to me to put the action in motion.
I couldn't understand how this whole situation went from her not being sure if I was the right one for her to me having to tell her I don't love her.
I gave her one last long kiss, said good night and walked out of the car.
I looked back and she was crying her heart out.
I went inside. She was still in front for a few minutes and then drove off.
I really hope I didn't make a mistake...
Tough Times
Warning: this may be a long one...
Last night was probably one of the most emotional nights in my life.
Wendy and I agreed to meet in the evening. Nothing went the way I had envisioned it.
I decided in advance that when I had to confront her it should be at a mutual place that wasn't her house or mine. Instead, I agreed for her to come pick me up at my house. I then figured we'd go to a coffee shop but she didn't want to go anywhere public, so we ended up in a parking lot.
We stayed in her car. It got so hot that we eventually took off our jackets and got really comfortable.
Since we weren't mad at each other and were just confused more than anything, we just sat and held each other for a long time and talked.
I had made a list of all the things we talked about the night before, and showed it to her. She read it over and then just held me.
I found the whole thing so hard because we knew something we wrong and we most likely weren't going to be continuing the relationship but on the other hand we never felt so close. We whispered in each others ears, and held each other tightly. At first Wendy leaned across from her seat, but eventually was on my lap facing me and holding on tight.
I don't know why but since the e-mail I got last week I've found it very hard to think. Maybe it was lack of sleep or some weird defense mechanism I have but I lost all thoughts, like my head was numb. Usually, in the past, when I worry about something, I think about it over and over again, but inside Wendy's car I wasn't.
Getting back to my situation with Wendy, throughout the night we jumped back and forth again with the thought of maybe trying not to break up. She kept asking me what I feel and I didn't know what to say. I felt... nothing. Nothing bad and nothing good. Maybe I'm in shock, I don't know. She kept saying that maybe that means I don't want to continue the relationship.
I thought about it a lot today and finally broke down in my mind what Wendy and I had told each other and a agreed on from last week leading to last night's break up:
-We dated for 10 months.
-Things were really good at the beginning but I was shy and I held back on the physical part.
-When I finally got comfortable with her, she had lost some of the attraction to me. She didn't feel passionate when I kissed her.
-I had feeling for her but was not getting a strong connection. I felt that she was pushing me away a lot. There were times she didn't have anything to tell me (we'd hang out all day and she'd barely add to the conversations) and at times she'd totally be uninterested if I tried fooling around with her.
-We never had sex. We tried a few times but there was always a different excuse and it never happened. The one time, quite recently, that we finally connected and felt really passionate for each other and I felt ready and knew I'd want to lose my virginity to her, she felt sick and ran to the washroom to throw up. She never did, but let's just say that killed the moment.
- I had wanted to tell her some thigns were bothering me but never did and kept it to myself instead.
-She finally realized something was wrong to and sent me an e-mail telling me that she's at a stage in her life that she may want to start getting serious and wasn't sure if I was the guy for it (this is before she even knew I didn't have strong feeling for her). She knew she liked me but wasn't sure if she could ever love me.
-After reading her e-mail I was totally under the impression that she had lost feeling for me.
Last night totally blew me away.
She admitted that she thought once I admitted my doubts about the relationship, we could have an easy break and leave each other with no problems. However, over the week, she realized that she did have strong feelings for me.
Throughout the night, I felt her attitude changed. First it sounded like she was unsure about her feelings to me, but there we talked about it and the more I admitted that I was confused but more leaning towards not being so into her, the more she came on stronger.
She admitted that she felt strong to me. That I was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. That she had been jerked around and hurt by a lot of guys and had never been with someone as sweet and caring as I have.
After hearing all that, I really really wanted to just say "fuck it" and stay with her and make her happy. I'm the kind of person that gets joy of making others happy. After learning that someone else things I'm special to them, just makes me want to continue that and makes me feel good and loved and special.
But it just felt wrong.
to be continued...
Last night was probably one of the most emotional nights in my life.
Wendy and I agreed to meet in the evening. Nothing went the way I had envisioned it.
I decided in advance that when I had to confront her it should be at a mutual place that wasn't her house or mine. Instead, I agreed for her to come pick me up at my house. I then figured we'd go to a coffee shop but she didn't want to go anywhere public, so we ended up in a parking lot.
We stayed in her car. It got so hot that we eventually took off our jackets and got really comfortable.
Since we weren't mad at each other and were just confused more than anything, we just sat and held each other for a long time and talked.
I had made a list of all the things we talked about the night before, and showed it to her. She read it over and then just held me.
I found the whole thing so hard because we knew something we wrong and we most likely weren't going to be continuing the relationship but on the other hand we never felt so close. We whispered in each others ears, and held each other tightly. At first Wendy leaned across from her seat, but eventually was on my lap facing me and holding on tight.
I don't know why but since the e-mail I got last week I've found it very hard to think. Maybe it was lack of sleep or some weird defense mechanism I have but I lost all thoughts, like my head was numb. Usually, in the past, when I worry about something, I think about it over and over again, but inside Wendy's car I wasn't.
Getting back to my situation with Wendy, throughout the night we jumped back and forth again with the thought of maybe trying not to break up. She kept asking me what I feel and I didn't know what to say. I felt... nothing. Nothing bad and nothing good. Maybe I'm in shock, I don't know. She kept saying that maybe that means I don't want to continue the relationship.
I thought about it a lot today and finally broke down in my mind what Wendy and I had told each other and a agreed on from last week leading to last night's break up:
-We dated for 10 months.
-Things were really good at the beginning but I was shy and I held back on the physical part.
-When I finally got comfortable with her, she had lost some of the attraction to me. She didn't feel passionate when I kissed her.
-I had feeling for her but was not getting a strong connection. I felt that she was pushing me away a lot. There were times she didn't have anything to tell me (we'd hang out all day and she'd barely add to the conversations) and at times she'd totally be uninterested if I tried fooling around with her.
-We never had sex. We tried a few times but there was always a different excuse and it never happened. The one time, quite recently, that we finally connected and felt really passionate for each other and I felt ready and knew I'd want to lose my virginity to her, she felt sick and ran to the washroom to throw up. She never did, but let's just say that killed the moment.
- I had wanted to tell her some thigns were bothering me but never did and kept it to myself instead.
-She finally realized something was wrong to and sent me an e-mail telling me that she's at a stage in her life that she may want to start getting serious and wasn't sure if I was the guy for it (this is before she even knew I didn't have strong feeling for her). She knew she liked me but wasn't sure if she could ever love me.
-After reading her e-mail I was totally under the impression that she had lost feeling for me.
Last night totally blew me away.
She admitted that she thought once I admitted my doubts about the relationship, we could have an easy break and leave each other with no problems. However, over the week, she realized that she did have strong feelings for me.
Throughout the night, I felt her attitude changed. First it sounded like she was unsure about her feelings to me, but there we talked about it and the more I admitted that I was confused but more leaning towards not being so into her, the more she came on stronger.
She admitted that she felt strong to me. That I was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. That she had been jerked around and hurt by a lot of guys and had never been with someone as sweet and caring as I have.
After hearing all that, I really really wanted to just say "fuck it" and stay with her and make her happy. I'm the kind of person that gets joy of making others happy. After learning that someone else things I'm special to them, just makes me want to continue that and makes me feel good and loved and special.
But it just felt wrong.
to be continued...
It's over
It's official.
After four hours of talking, we broke up.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I feel like the feelings I should have are not there.
After four hours of talking, we broke up.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I feel like the feelings I should have are not there.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Talk
Well, for the most part of the day I did not think of Wendy.
During the evening, though I was talking to a friend online. She knew what was going on with Wendy and I and was asking me how I was doing. I told her I had become really confused and that I know long was absolutely certain that I would break up with Wendy. I got pretty angry talking to her because she was basically telling me that I already said I'd break up with Wendy and that I'm just fooling myself to think I want to stay with he. She then started to list all the things that had been bothering me in my relationship.
That's all nice and dandy but it really got me to think that this is my relationship with girlfriend. I know she was just giving me advice so as not to get hurt, but I don't think there is a rule about when you make a decision you can't have second doubts. It made me realize that I really need to figure things out for myself and that no one can give me the answers I'm looking for except perhaps Wendy herself.
I also realized that I was starting to think of Wendy as a bad guy. Like I was using every excuse to have something to be mad at her for. For example, she text messaged me to tell me her plane was late and my initial thought was "Ugh. She's just being nice to me and pretending like nothing is wrong". This made me realize, though, that she hadn't done anything wrong to me and it was quite clear that we both were having doubts about our relationship, so I had no reason to be mad at her.
Those two key points above made me realize that I was ready to talk with her.
The original plan was to see her tonight, but with the bad weather and the delayed flight, it never happened.
She initially called me while i was watching a movie and sounded quite pleasant and happy to hear me. I kind of came off as a jerk at first when she asked me a question about something I already answered the night before when she was drunk, to which I replied "do you remember anything from last ". It sounded really harsh but I was referring to more of the fact if she meant all the stuff she told me, or if it was all just a drunken rant that she has no recollection about. Thankfully, I found out later it was the former.
I called her after the movie. It started as chit chat and quickly dived into a serious talk. I think I started it but getting really upset and even started to cry a little. She started to cry as well. A lot.
After about a full year together we finally had our first talk and really let it all out. The talk lasted for about 3 hours. During the talk we:
- Got to talk about the things that were bothering us about the relationship or other person
- Established that upon reading my e-mail reply to her own, that she originally wanted to end the relationship clean slate. However, during the week she found out that she really hard stronger feeling for me and may not want to end the relationship after all.
-I admitted to her as well that I really wanted to end the relationship after all.
-Discussed the positive and negative reasons of why we think we should or shouldn't' stay together.
-What we were expecting from the relationship and what was missing.
-The possibilities of introducing or replacing the missing or bad things.
In the end, after 3 hours, we still haven't figured out that we are both on the same page. We both have problems with the relationship and are afraid to keep it going in the result that we may either hurt the other or both be hurt. We also think that it may be worth at least trying to fix things and see from there if this really is what we want or not. In the end, not trying just for fear of hurting the other person doesn't really sound like a valid reason.
The more I keep thinking about it the more I keep realizing that I do like Wendy and that my fear of getting too involved with my first girlfriend may have held me back a bit.
In the end we didn't come up with a solution but totally exhausted all possibilities and the result that can occur from those possibilities. We agreed to see each other tomorrow and see how we react in person. This meeting may make or break our relationship.
A lot of my friends would probably say I could be making a mistake but I've come to realize that in the end it's my decision and if I make a mistake well than I'll just have to deal with it, but I'll never know unless I try.
We'll see how I feel after tomorrow.
During the evening, though I was talking to a friend online. She knew what was going on with Wendy and I and was asking me how I was doing. I told her I had become really confused and that I know long was absolutely certain that I would break up with Wendy. I got pretty angry talking to her because she was basically telling me that I already said I'd break up with Wendy and that I'm just fooling myself to think I want to stay with he. She then started to list all the things that had been bothering me in my relationship.
That's all nice and dandy but it really got me to think that this is my relationship with girlfriend. I know she was just giving me advice so as not to get hurt, but I don't think there is a rule about when you make a decision you can't have second doubts. It made me realize that I really need to figure things out for myself and that no one can give me the answers I'm looking for except perhaps Wendy herself.
I also realized that I was starting to think of Wendy as a bad guy. Like I was using every excuse to have something to be mad at her for. For example, she text messaged me to tell me her plane was late and my initial thought was "Ugh. She's just being nice to me and pretending like nothing is wrong". This made me realize, though, that she hadn't done anything wrong to me and it was quite clear that we both were having doubts about our relationship, so I had no reason to be mad at her.
Those two key points above made me realize that I was ready to talk with her.
The original plan was to see her tonight, but with the bad weather and the delayed flight, it never happened.
She initially called me while i was watching a movie and sounded quite pleasant and happy to hear me. I kind of came off as a jerk at first when she asked me a question about something I already answered the night before when she was drunk, to which I replied "do you remember anything from last ". It sounded really harsh but I was referring to more of the fact if she meant all the stuff she told me, or if it was all just a drunken rant that she has no recollection about. Thankfully, I found out later it was the former.
I called her after the movie. It started as chit chat and quickly dived into a serious talk. I think I started it but getting really upset and even started to cry a little. She started to cry as well. A lot.
After about a full year together we finally had our first talk and really let it all out. The talk lasted for about 3 hours. During the talk we:
- Got to talk about the things that were bothering us about the relationship or other person
- Established that upon reading my e-mail reply to her own, that she originally wanted to end the relationship clean slate. However, during the week she found out that she really hard stronger feeling for me and may not want to end the relationship after all.
-I admitted to her as well that I really wanted to end the relationship after all.
-Discussed the positive and negative reasons of why we think we should or shouldn't' stay together.
-What we were expecting from the relationship and what was missing.
-The possibilities of introducing or replacing the missing or bad things.
In the end, after 3 hours, we still haven't figured out that we are both on the same page. We both have problems with the relationship and are afraid to keep it going in the result that we may either hurt the other or both be hurt. We also think that it may be worth at least trying to fix things and see from there if this really is what we want or not. In the end, not trying just for fear of hurting the other person doesn't really sound like a valid reason.
The more I keep thinking about it the more I keep realizing that I do like Wendy and that my fear of getting too involved with my first girlfriend may have held me back a bit.
In the end we didn't come up with a solution but totally exhausted all possibilities and the result that can occur from those possibilities. We agreed to see each other tomorrow and see how we react in person. This meeting may make or break our relationship.
A lot of my friends would probably say I could be making a mistake but I've come to realize that in the end it's my decision and if I make a mistake well than I'll just have to deal with it, but I'll never know unless I try.
We'll see how I feel after tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
2008 - Drama Galore
During University and even a couple of years after graduating, I used to view New Years Eve as a night to go out with friends, get wasted and deep down inside meet a girl and even a kiss on the stroke of midnight (The first time I had kissed a girl was at age 23 - my last year at University).
The past few years, I started to feel like it was losing its appeal. Maybe I was just getting older.
I really did not enjoy my New Years Eve partying last year and felt this year I didn't really want to make a big deal about it.
For a while, as the month of January was approaching, I thought this New Years would be different because I'd be spending it with Wendy. I had never had someone special to spend NYE with and maybe it could have a been a special night.
Instead, my night ended up being part fun spent with very close friends and part full of drama on my phone.
I ended up working all day until 5pm. Afterwards I met up with my good friends Maynard, Spider Dude and his girlfriend Luscious Linda. Spider Dude and Luscious Linda are living together in Oz and Maynard is ready to embark on a 2 year journey in SA, so I decided I wanted to spend my last night of 2007 with them and just enjoy myself rather than sit home all night with my parents and mope about Wendy.
For the most part the night was a fun. I was exhausted though and the shitty thing was my friends mistook that as me being depressed about Wendy and kept asking me if i was okay and wanted to talk about it.
I didn't really want to just rant about her all night but I ended up having a couple of conversations about her. One in particular really confused me. Spider Dude brought it up that I may be thinking about this all wrong. That it may not be that Wendy wants to be in a deeper relationship but just not with me. He thinks she really likes me a lot and is afraid that I'm the one who's not ready for a deeper relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that I"m still terrified by the fact of settling down now with the first girl I dated. However, part of me would like to see what would happen if we were to fix things and see where we go from there. So I"m still not sure if I really want to end things.
I'm just not sure were Wendy is coming from. And last night only confused me more.
At Midnight, I got a call from her. I was expecting one and was actually quite happy to see her name pop up on my phone.
I picked up and she sounded happy to hear me. She wished me a happy New Year and asked how I was doing. Then she told me a few times that she missed me. I could tell she sounded a bit giddy on the phone and then I got he to admit she'd been drinking.
It's nearly impossible to judge someone when they've been drinking. I've learned from experience (or being drunk and talking to others who are drunk) that either something you don't mean are said to sound sincere (ex: "you're so hot! Let's make out!", or, things you truly mean to but normally would keep to yourself are said (Ex, from Psycho Girl - "I just want to be with you until I meet someone else").
I'm not sure which applies to Wendy.
I truly liked that she called but felt more confused than ever. That didn't stop me from enjoying the rest of my night. I had been at a Russian traditional New Years party for the countdown (watching Putin on TV and toasting the Russian way) when Wendy called, and after wards my friends and I went to Local Coffee shop.
Local Coffee Shop is blessed to have a giant front window with big wooden chairs facing it. So we sat down for an hour making fun of all the dunk people running around. It was quick entertaining.
I got home at 3am and was ready for bed when the phone rang.
It was Wendy.
She sounded pretty drunk on the phone.
She kept saying that she missed me and we talked a bit. Then things got awkward and we started to talk about us. She started to get real deep and asked me "What do I want?". Being completely lost on feelings through the night, I didn't really know what to say right there and then and also figured talking to a Drunk Wendy about it not being the best of things either. I just told her I wanted to hug her.
She started to cry. She kept saying she wanted to see me when she gets in tonight and that she was very confused. When I said the same thing, she just cried more.
I know that it may be good to be the "tough guy" and not try to be all "it's ok, I"m there for you" wimpy guy, but I didn't see the point of being angry or something else at her at that moment, and I just assured her that I was not mad and genuinely wanted to see her.
She made me promise I'd see her tonight and I said yes.
I'm hoping to spend this whole day not worrying about tonight and hopefully my true feelings and common sense will help me when I talk her tonight.
The past few years, I started to feel like it was losing its appeal. Maybe I was just getting older.
I really did not enjoy my New Years Eve partying last year and felt this year I didn't really want to make a big deal about it.
For a while, as the month of January was approaching, I thought this New Years would be different because I'd be spending it with Wendy. I had never had someone special to spend NYE with and maybe it could have a been a special night.
Instead, my night ended up being part fun spent with very close friends and part full of drama on my phone.
I ended up working all day until 5pm. Afterwards I met up with my good friends Maynard, Spider Dude and his girlfriend Luscious Linda. Spider Dude and Luscious Linda are living together in Oz and Maynard is ready to embark on a 2 year journey in SA, so I decided I wanted to spend my last night of 2007 with them and just enjoy myself rather than sit home all night with my parents and mope about Wendy.
For the most part the night was a fun. I was exhausted though and the shitty thing was my friends mistook that as me being depressed about Wendy and kept asking me if i was okay and wanted to talk about it.
I didn't really want to just rant about her all night but I ended up having a couple of conversations about her. One in particular really confused me. Spider Dude brought it up that I may be thinking about this all wrong. That it may not be that Wendy wants to be in a deeper relationship but just not with me. He thinks she really likes me a lot and is afraid that I'm the one who's not ready for a deeper relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that I"m still terrified by the fact of settling down now with the first girl I dated. However, part of me would like to see what would happen if we were to fix things and see where we go from there. So I"m still not sure if I really want to end things.
I'm just not sure were Wendy is coming from. And last night only confused me more.
At Midnight, I got a call from her. I was expecting one and was actually quite happy to see her name pop up on my phone.
I picked up and she sounded happy to hear me. She wished me a happy New Year and asked how I was doing. Then she told me a few times that she missed me. I could tell she sounded a bit giddy on the phone and then I got he to admit she'd been drinking.
It's nearly impossible to judge someone when they've been drinking. I've learned from experience (or being drunk and talking to others who are drunk) that either something you don't mean are said to sound sincere (ex: "you're so hot! Let's make out!", or, things you truly mean to but normally would keep to yourself are said (Ex, from Psycho Girl - "I just want to be with you until I meet someone else").
I'm not sure which applies to Wendy.
I truly liked that she called but felt more confused than ever. That didn't stop me from enjoying the rest of my night. I had been at a Russian traditional New Years party for the countdown (watching Putin on TV and toasting the Russian way) when Wendy called, and after wards my friends and I went to Local Coffee shop.
Local Coffee Shop is blessed to have a giant front window with big wooden chairs facing it. So we sat down for an hour making fun of all the dunk people running around. It was quick entertaining.
I got home at 3am and was ready for bed when the phone rang.
It was Wendy.
She sounded pretty drunk on the phone.
She kept saying that she missed me and we talked a bit. Then things got awkward and we started to talk about us. She started to get real deep and asked me "What do I want?". Being completely lost on feelings through the night, I didn't really know what to say right there and then and also figured talking to a Drunk Wendy about it not being the best of things either. I just told her I wanted to hug her.
She started to cry. She kept saying she wanted to see me when she gets in tonight and that she was very confused. When I said the same thing, she just cried more.
I know that it may be good to be the "tough guy" and not try to be all "it's ok, I"m there for you" wimpy guy, but I didn't see the point of being angry or something else at her at that moment, and I just assured her that I was not mad and genuinely wanted to see her.
She made me promise I'd see her tonight and I said yes.
I'm hoping to spend this whole day not worrying about tonight and hopefully my true feelings and common sense will help me when I talk her tonight.
The End?
It's the end of another year and it is now time to welcome 2008.
I'm more confused than ever...
I'm more confused than ever...
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